I'd like advice from people whose parents divorced when they were children. Should I divorce or stay?

Question

I am unhappily married with 3 children, 6, 7 & 13 yrs old. I stay in the marriage because my kids need me, and I don't want to see my wife get our kids after a divorce and then neglect them. My wife and I work full time, but I do most when it comes to our home & kids. I give our children attention and affection they need that my wife won't. Our 13 year old is from a past relationship, so I don't have a legal right to custody. I've taken care of her since she was 4, but her biological father wouldn't let me adopt her. I don't want to break up the children, so I stay in a miserable marriage.

Another reason I stay - my parents divorced when I was young. My mom moved and I didn't see or talk to her for several yrs. My dad became an alchoholic and ignored me, so I raised myself, but with many emotional scars that still remain. I fear that my children will be hurt more by a divorce, like me, than if I stay. I don't want them to lose either parent, so I stay for them. What do I do now?

Answer 1

If you love them so much, you can still keep in touch with them after a divorce. Divorce is the last choice, but if you really don't stand the sight of your wife anymore, I'd say leave her and ask for at least joint custody of the children... They are big enough to understand and you won't end up a miserable man after they are grown and leave the home for college and to make their own homes., You have a life to live also....

Answer 2

Much as i would like to say stay in it for the kids, i dont think that will work for you. I was deeply hurt by my parents divorce which happened the day after my 12th birthday, and was devastated at the thought of leaving either one, but i could see how it worked better them being apart, and i knew it was for the best in the long run. I can see how much happier my parents are now too and i think your kids will start to realise you arent happy-you cant put a brave face on forever! You do need to think about your kids alot but be fair on yourself, this is still your relationship and dont you think it would hurt them more if they grew up surrounded by pain and arguments? Only you really know what is best, maybe your thinking about staying together for other reasons, not just the children? You should also talk to your wife if at all possible, and not with the children around.

Answer 3

Theres no right or wrong answer to this question. And to be honest I don't think anyone on here will give you a good analysis. I think this is something you will have to decide on your own or with the help of a very close friend. I am married to man who comes from a divorced family. His mom was married 3 times before she finally settled down. He was moved back and forth between mom, dad, stepdads, grandparents and aunts and uncles. I have to say, its hard being married to someone like that. But what keeps me in this marriage is number one my kids and also (not to brag) I am very patient with my husband. He has a very low self esteem and a horrible inferiority complex. Its almost like having a third child. We started dating when we were in our teens and he was very adamant about getting married at a young age. Of course being young and stupid, I went right along with it. And now here I am, 23 yrs old, married and 2 kids. So I have seen the damage divorce has on people. But on the other hand, I don't know what he would have been like if his mom and dad would have stayed together. For all I know he could have been worse. So I think this decision needs to be made with lots of time and thought. We don't really know your situation or your kids so we can't say for sure what you should do. I wish you the best of luck and hope everything turns out alright. :)

Answer 4

divorce can be VERY hard on the children but getting out of it now may be better because do you want your kids to grow up seeing constant fighting and seeing how a relationship can't work. Especially for the 13 year old who will start dating in a few years that is not what she should be seeing becaue it can cause her to be in bad/abusive relationships when she starts to date. If a judge sees how much you care versus what your wife does not do, they will probably give more custody to you. But before you do anything, talk to your wife about it and try and solve it as peacefully and easily for your kids as possible because it is hard enough on the children. Also be mature and don't talk badly around the kids about one another because that just puts them in the middle.

Answer 5

I know this is a hard situation, but I would suggest you stay for the children and try your hardest to keep things civil with your wife.

My parents were in an unhappy marriage for 27 years, they stayed together for my sister and I. Once we had both left the house and gone off to college they divorced and have since started seeing other people.

I am divided on the subject, I have great respect for what my parents did for my sister and I, however, I do wish that they had lived their lives as they wished and had been happy and in love. But at the same time, they are able to do that now and have both fallen in love and are experiencing true love in their later years.

If I was ever in this situation I would stay. Simply because I feel that once you have children, you have to put them first and foremost, and sacrifice your own happiness for them. Once they are 18, then you are able to live your life. That is the sacrifice you make when you decide to have children.

God Bless you, and I hope that everything works out for you. You sound like a wonderful man who has your children's best interest at heart.

Answer 6

Have you and the Mrs been to a therapist? Maybe you guys can start over, work on the problems!! If not, or can't..and you do divorce, make sure you get a good attorney, and fight for the right for custody. The 13 year old is probably not going to be able to see you, but at the age of 14 in most states, she has a right to say in court. It may be possible to get some sort of supervised visitation with her. I say supervised because you are not her legal parent. Good Luck!

Answer 7

my parents divorced when I was 6yo. I am and was glad they did, my father was abusive.

I can understand why the choice to stay or go weighs heavily on you. I do wonder though since you have been in the 13yo life if there is any way you could get visitation with her even though your not her biological father but can prove your relationship with her. I don't think your doing yourself or your kids any favors by staying married.

Have you talked to your wife? Have you asked her if she would mutually agree the children would be best with you? If she is already withdrawn from the children, she's only damaging them emotionally.

I would seriously consider talking to an attorney. If for nothing else to find out all your legal options.

I wish nothing but the best for you in this struggle.

Answer 8

The best thing for the kids is to get a divorce... Whether you realize it or not, you being unhappy in your marriage is affecting them. My parents divorced when I was young and it was the best thing ever. I've always been very close to both of my parents, but they both made sure that they stayed civil with each other.
Your kids are old enough to choose were they want to live and if they choose to live with their mother don't fight over it. Just let you children know that when ever they want they can come to you.
What I mean is... just keep the divorce simple, It make it much easier on them.

Answer 9

Where to start? Let's start with your parents as you have learned as an adult, you don't know what goes on in another man's bed. So what happened between your parents is neither your fault or your problem. Your mom should have kept in contact with you.
I had to let my step daughter go when my ex and I divorced, but it was her choice not mine. Your kids aren't stupid they know somethings going on. To stay or not to stay is a call only you can make.
If your going to get a divorce, talk to an atty. in your state before you do anything. As the rights of dads are slowly coming around, you can also look online under your state statutes to find out when your daughter's considered an adult, generally it's 16,17 yo. Do it then and give her the option of staying with you.
Regardless of what you do take your time and plan it out, in Missouri who ever has physical custody at the time of filing keeps them until a judge hears the case.
I would also if possible make her leave, and retain the family home, make sure you have a list of ppl. who see you doing the child rearing, PTA meetings etc.

Answer 10

Happiness is a fickle thing, you may or may not find a more fulfilling relationship than the one you are in now, but what you know for sure is that by doing so you will be in agony over leaving your kids to experience the turmoil and emotional scars you are suffering from now. My advice is to stay and make the best of the relationship you are in now, when the youngest is 18 you can decide without having a too negative impact on anybody elses life.