My boyfriend is 20 years older than me.....?

Question

I am 27 and he is 47. We been together for one year. We have been living together for 5 months. We love each other ever much and we have the same views on life, we are talking about getting married. Both our families gets along fine and excepts the situation. I'm not worried about him getting older and having sexual problems, that doesn't bother me. Here about the last month he has been acting so different, moods change so quick. One day he loves me to death and the next day he is fussing and fighting about everything. He says sometimes we fight too much and he needs his space to be by himself or to hang with his friends. Then other times he is wrapped up in me. It's crazy, I don't understand it. He told me the other day he is sorry, we will make it that it's him not me. I got to thinking he may be going through a mid-life crisis because of his age. Which is ok with me, I just need to know from anyone with experience could this be true and

how to help him cope or just to plain ole make things better. Please Help!! Also breaking up is not an option so please help.. give me true resolutions. Thanks

some was wondering if he had been married, yes for 10 years, has a 12 yr old son, been divorced for 3 years.

Answer 1

My boyfriend is 20 years older than me. Now I'm pregnant and he doesn't want a baby so I have to get an abortion now. He controls almost every aspect of my life and I'm too weak to shake him. He will probably never marry me, but keeps enough hope in my life to keep me hanging on. Does my advice help you? I hope it does.

People are voting my answer down but this is where I am, right now. My abortion is Saturday. This is my life.

Well all you idealistic bastards can keep voting my REAL LIFE EXPERIENCE DOWN while you keep spouting your unrealistic, ignorant opinions. I don't care - I just want to help her.

Answer 2

I am so sorry that more people are not taking this seriously. Age is truly a matter of mind, if you don't mind, it doesn't matter. My boyfriend is 13 years older than I. I am 28, he is 40. We have been together for over a year and have been living together for several months. A few questions I have for you are: Have he ever been married? If so, how long ago? Has he ever lived with a gf? If so, how long ago? The reasons I ask this question is that if the answer is no, then think about how long he has lived his life, alone. Older people become set in their ways. This may seem all very overwhlming to him, he panics and says he wants his space, only because that is what he may be used to.

Answer 3

The only thing that you can do is respect his wishes and make a life for yourself outside of your relationship with him. You don't say if he has been married before or has children or what went on before you came on the scene.

Perhaps, like my boyfriend (who is 16 years older than I am), he was alone for years and has developed his own habits and ways of doing things and needs his space. I have learned just to give it to him. If he wants me, I'm there, but I try not to be "in his face" all the time. I work during the day, so that gives him a lot of time to be alone and to do his own thing (he's retired). Usually he calls me at about 4:00 in the afternoon and is anxious for me to come home because he's bored and wants my company. We have dinner together and bathe together and then we each do our own thing for a bit before coming together again at about 9:00 to watch a movie, talk, make love and fall asleep. I know that I get the best of his time and that's fine by me. I don't have to share every single thing with him to feel loved. If he fusses at me for something trivial, then I just listen, appologize and forget it - it's probably just a mood. I don't take it personally and I don't insist that he treat me like some sort of princess. I know that he has PTSD symptoms from his Vietnam experience and so I try to understand that and put his actions in context. When you love someone, you allow them to be - without trying to make them into someone else. You have to accept the whole package and remember that you can't change him. All you can do is figure out if you can love him the way he is or if you have to leave in order to find peace within yourself and be happy. Only you know the answer to that.

REMEMBER: What you see is what you get. Either you love and accept him the way he is or you get out. YOU CANNOT CHANGE PEOPLE INTO WHAT YOU WANT THEM TO BE!

Just give him space and try to do things that interest you outside of your relationship. He will learn to come to you when he's ready and you won't feel bad that he's not paying enough attention to you. Don't appear angry or put off, just glad to see him when he's there.

Answer 4

I had a friend who was 20 years older than me. He wrote email to me every day ..I just loved his deep spirit and sensitive.rich feelings. I didnt like the appearance who was 20 years older than me.Someday he got so angry for a little thing on his email.Then I had known the older man had not big heart, althoug he has deep spirit and know women, but maybe it is difficult that the relationship goes smoothly.

Answer 5

Just love him regardless...older men are fussy. I believe they do go through a mid-life crisis. One that my husband is going through now as well. I'm twenty my husband is forty six....but the older they are the more they know about women, on those days he loves you to death are the best days right? When he needs his space, give it to him. Just like you would in a relationship with a man your age, everyone needs their alone time. If everything is good except for those "bumpy" days, then it seems to me you've got it pretty good. Good luck and I wish you the best.

Oh and btw, don't listen to these morons who say that it is "sick" to be with an older man...they don't know what they are missing and are just ignorant.

Answer 6

I am prejudice against your situation --- as I was there (Had older man who was the same as the way u described) --- I don't wish the psyco experience on my worst enemy. However, there is hope for love with each new relationship.

You seem determined to follow through with your choice. I can only give you information on how to financially protect yourself. You will need him to BUY you: Good Life Insurance & Health Insurance & Long - Term Disability for you. This is very important!!!

Why? Western Women live on average 15-25 years longer than a man (www.cia.gov). So here is a time line based off statistics/ accuaries forecasting a life you need to plan for now:

20’s / 50’s Married, hopefully happy.

30’s/ 60’s Have Kids & He needs nursing in his mid to late 60’s.

40’s/ 70’s Kid’s are teenagers & he passes away mid to late 70‘s.

50’s Mourning/grief --- Need new spouse or accept widowhood. Need to pay child’s college.

60’s Live on, hopefully happy.

70’s Live on, hopefully happy, need nursing (new spouse or Long Term Care Insurance) in mid-late 70’s.

80’s Live on, still needs nursing (new spouse of Long Term Care Insurance) … pass away around 89 -92 years.

Without your husband in mid to late 40’s through mid-late 80’s who will pay the bills for food, housing, health insurance, retirement, and who will nurse you when need help? Certainly this shouldn’t stop you from love … but it should give you a financial map to provide yourself security in the future; without your current love.

------------------- New ---- New ---- New
Ok, you should also suggest he BUYS "Long Term Care" for himself "IF" in you're 30's his sickness (aging) is too much for you.

My "Step mom" (14 yrs younger than Dad) walked out when my Dad was diagnosed with "Emphasima". I was left being his care giver while still in school. It is human to wither under the presure of terminal sickness; and I hold no gruges NOW against her ... but please, do the right social thing if you find you cannot stay by his side when he is dying --- Get him "Long Term Care" so he can goto "Hospice" and get comfort from others.

Answer 7

You'll have to try to cope with him. He's showing signs of a mid-life crisis. Offer professional help and tell him that you're willing to do whatever it takes to help him.

You need to be supportive. That's the most important thing. You both obviously love each other very much.

Answer 8

Midlife crisis in men is no more a joke than it is in women. I'm 59 and it was a struggle. I believe I would be more concerned about the long difference in life expectancy, and why he's single and 47. Life sucks after the love of your life is gone!

Answer 9

simple give him what he wants with out getting wierd about it
if he says he needs space your awnser is ok if he says he needs dinner ready when he gets home say ok the only way you 2 can aruge is if you aruge with him if simply give him what ever he needs then what can he argue about? usally he should be the one in the adult role of being above the fighting but if thats your case then thats your case i'm 5 years older than my g/f and have to bend to her from time to time to keep her happy not that i'm whipped or anything but these little things mean so much moe to her than to me so i give in which isnt a bad thing it's not like he's been asking anything unreasonable , has he? so just go with the flow it's much easier than trying to swim upstream all of the time and also when i do assert my self she has to respect it becuase it means all that more as i dont complain very much i think this is what it takes to have a truley happy realtionship it's give and take
so just be more giving and with him being mean and then nice whats happening is he gets down on somthing and has a bad day and takes it out on you when somthing little happens and then he feels sorry about it and is all wrapped up in you to compensate so like i said above you must defuse the situation by just being giving and when teh shoe is on the other foot dont be afriad to take some back

Answer 10

first thats sick what does a 27 year old have in common with a 47 year old? second marriage is for life so i;d take a little bit longer to think about what your about to do.
Third he might be going through his mid life crisis. So be careful

Answer 11

My first thought is male menopause, falling testosterone levels causing mood disturbance. It's easy enough to do a blood test for.