How can I accept people for who they are and not who I WANT them to be?

Question

I am a huge control freak. People who do not react to situations the way I would, or say the exact thing I would say, feel the same way I do, etc I become very frustrated with. It is almost as if a person is not exactly like me, then I hate them and cannot stand to be around them. I have a boyfriend and everytime he does or does do something I would do or say, I become ENRAGED. I have this feeling that I am in the right and everyone else is wrong. "its either my way or the highway" is the best way to describe me. I have a certain idea in my head of how I want a person to be, when I realize the reality of the situation, I am obviously constantly disppointed. PLEASE HELP.

I am 28 years old. I have been living like this my entire life. I have ruined MANY friendships and MANY relationships. To all of you that have negative things to say about me and my situation-shame on you. I have been in therapy for many years and on medicine. I do NOT want to live this way. Hence the question- HOW DO I ACCEPT PEOPLE FOR WHO THEY ARE. I DO think I am better then most people. Hoever, I also understand this is a huge proble and WANT to change. It is not fun living this way. In no way do I enjoy feeling superior to most. I learned this behavior from my father whoe treated EVERYONE like they were the stupiest person he has ever met, including my mother, myself and my brothers. It is no wonder I grew up with the same attitude. Please do not judge me as being an awful person. I am asking for help, not critisism.

Answer 1

Control freak, huh? I'm a little like that, too. If it's not so bad, Iwould say watch your actions and change your controllingness when you feel it coming. But if it's a huge ordeal. You need to find the root of your reason for being this way. Was your mom or dad control freaks? Did you ever get traumatized as a young person, ie: sexualy, physically, anything at all? If so, you may feel a desperate need to control things because you felt out of control at one time. I recommend going to a counselor. If this is awkward for you, go to a social support group. There will be peopel there just like you, that can help you get this under control. Good luck

Answer 2

All of my criticism is constructive. Your problem is working with people because you have expectations that are entirely your own. That's why you have so many clashes with people. This idea may seem a little extreme, but why not put yourself in a situation that requires teamwork and cooperation. It will put you out of your comfort zone, but it will put you in a different perspective. Some examples can be doing some volunteer work, construction work, and playing on a sports team. You've tried counseling, now you must solve the problem yourself. Working with others will help you. You just need to remember that you must be open to the ideas of others. Otherwise, you will never be able to function in society, you won't find your true love, and you could be alone for the rest of your life. If this message doesn't motivate you to take action, nothing will. And, before you say that you can't change your actions, keep these things in mind. People have overcome cancer, people have overcome obesity, people have overcome fears, and people have overcome disasters (both natural and artificial). I wish you the best of luck on your journey for personal change.

Answer 3

You are not seeking friends or boyfriends,
You are seeking a clone . . . (and a loser clone at that !)
Real friends are appreciated for the positive differences they bring to the table . . .
{Excepting violence , pedophiles , theives or persons that violate others basic rights}
Your belief that it should be your way only is outrageous because you establish yourself as a god . . .
What are your qualifications in terms of education and life experience that make you so infallible ?
Your absurd expectation that others should be like you and their own existence is of no worth . . . will result in you being a hermit . .
No intelligent person would associate with anyone with that dysfunctional of an attitude .
If you have a boyfriend , he is either desperate for sex or $$$$ that you provide , because your social behaviors are worth ZERO .

Until you figure out how deficient you are by your disrespect for others AND
Correct this offensive behavior , you will be a failure.

You can help yourself by having the big light go on . .
The big light that 'gets' that your way is very wrong & ugly ,
The light that lets you beg forgiveness from all that have endured this tantrum of yours ,
And promise to start living with respect for others.

Answer 4

You're asking for help, now that's the first step in the right direction.

Another step could be taking actions to change this in yourself; you already realise that you're a control freak, so you are one step closer to being able to take action.

You say you see in people what you want them to be, or force it onto them. You obviously don't like to be disappointed, so. But don't worrry; no one does. But frankly, if you continue like this, in the end you WILL be gravely disappointed. You sound a wee bit stubborn there as well - and you can ask my mother, ask my brother, even ask me... stubbornness will get you nowhere. You'll only be disappointed... again.

Another obvious thing; I - or anyone else here - cannot force you into starting to meet people in the middle, you can only do that yourself, you are the only one who can make changes in yourself.

Just remember it's not only your consciousness involved when you want people to be something they're not. It's theirs as well, and they're always able to fight the idea you have of them. That is human nature.


That's about all I can say without resorting to Freud's psychoanalysis theories. Make the first step to change yourself, and the rest will change along with it.

Answer 5

You need professional help sweety! Do not think you are above it ,think you are worth it and so is everyone who loves you and wants to be apart of your life. You seem to displaying signs of narcissistic and ocd behavior.But there is no guess that is going to help you through this.Your behavior patterns are bound to hurt and push people away.you are most likely a extraordinary asset and vice-versa. A good psychologist would be equipped to help you , or some one in a related field. Keep up the confidence and reconize how intelligent you are.It takes alot to see your own destructive behavior.You have the power to see,accept and change. I wish you the best.....

Answer 6

because of your problems with your father it's obvious that you don't want to be seen as a fool. you've prolly poured your whole life into having all the answers. everyone, to some degree or another, wants to always be right. nobody wants to be proven wrong. and for you it was prolly hard growing up. even if you were right your father would prolly put you down. first off, you need to forgive your father (make peace with him). once you have the cause of your problem resolved you can move on from there. voluntier with little children, they need all the answers they can get. to combat your anger you should maybe take a yoga class, or do some gardening, something meditative where you can be alone in your own head for a while. breath in...everybody's different....breath out. nobody is ever going to be the same as you. you are special in your own way, just like everybody is special in their own way. you need to ask yourself why you want to subject your loved ones to the same negative attitude that your father subjected you too. it hurt you. that's why you need to make peace with him. you need to except him for who he is. once you do that you may be able to accept other people for who they are. know that your father was in the wrong to put you and your family down. nobody deserves that. nobody deserves to be told that they're always wrong. you seem like a strong person. i'm sure you can someday get a grasp on this distructive behavior. you can't save the world and you don't have all the answers. once you except that you're human...you'll be able to except that everybody else is too.

good luck

Answer 7

if it makes you feel any better, i am the same way. i have a huge funny side to balance it out (i think). i could be completely wrong and be a complete biotch and ....i could care about the price of rice in china. you are what you are. if everyone was the same, this old world wouldn't be in need. we would be living at mr. rogers neighbor hood. you and i would be nauseated, while others folks would be giddy. don't get me wrong, i work with the public and deliver professionalism as much as possible (throwing in some laughs when i can). hope this helps you. don't beat yourself up. just try not to be a total you know what....
i love myself and wish i had a friend just like me.....she would be soooooo cool.

Answer 8

Hmmm. Well... how old are you? I mean, maybe you will develop a broader world-view and tolerance for others in time. I think that I used to be a HUGE control freak. (I probably still am, but I try to closet it as much as possible!!). But, I think for me... it was just a matter of time (a few years) and a world of perspective (life-experience) to grant me the "patience" necessary to deal with the rest of humanity. Yes, I understand about the constant disappointment. I think that it helps to consider this: he with low or little expectations is very seldom disappointed. In other words, if you work to reduce your expectations of others (or of variables over which you have no control, like other people) you will have less disappointment in the way things turn out. It's sort of like forcing yourself into optimism. Good luck!

Answer 9

I had the same problem with my boyfriend. I realized that I had no control over him. I couldn't make him do or say what I wanted and my lack of control over him made me sabotage our relationship in various ways. I had a sort of epiphany and realized that I would never ever change him and I had to find a way to live with him otherwise we were wasting our time with each other. I learned that I had to accept him for who he really was and allow him to be him. I focused all of my attention on why I loved him, all of his good characteristics, and we fell back in love with each other. It's actually very simple and easy to do.

Answer 10

Soworried,

Wow kiddo! wooah down, People are individuals.
No, you couldn't understand that , well I can see you are incapable of standing outside of yourself , ...That would mean you'd have to have to bend alittle.Get it? no? however,.......you got an awful life & lots &lots of ignorant people to deal with.
I don't know how old you are ,... my guess would be 11, but , isn't it nice to be perfect? TIP: Quit it princess! Stop expecting things for people, cause you'll be let down EVERY time. Lord.
it's people like you that end up in jail, or murdered..Truthful.ly..dear, please change your name , To: I am afride of everything ..... yes! your fear is in each word that you've used."I am not kidding." Obvious is about the only think you got right!!! and you ask HELP? help what? Help you be
controling? ....Doll_face BIG TIP: GO SEE A DOCTOR !!!
and that's me being nice to someone like you!!!
bye,your fairy godmother!