Please advise!?

Question

My son is 14 and has NO friends. HE is very shy, smart, and sweet but has a really hard time making friends. What more can I do to encourage him? I have tried to get him involved in school activities (he hates sports) or other clubs but he is just not interested. He has never had a friend over nor has he ever gone out with any friends. He is currently in counseling and his counselor is also encouraging him to make friends but it just does not come easy to him. It breaks my heart to see him just sitting at home every weekend and who wants to hang out with mom all the time? Please help....

Answer 1

Poor kid, I know exactly how he feels.
I was the same way growing up except I was the loner girl and geeky looking.
It's great he's in counseling but at his age, it seems to get harder trying to fit in anywhere (groups are established). He could learn to hold his head high (shy people look at the ground a lot), say the odd hello, look somewhat confident and do a little smiling. As easy as it sounds for most people, doing any of this requires a lot energy and self willingness to put your self out there (shy ones).
On the weekends, see if he can get a part time job somewhere in the public (somewhere that may interest him). He could volunteer at an animal shelter, homeless shelter, hospital ward etc. Once he finds something he enjoys doing and compliments follow, his shell will begin to come off.
If jobs are just not what you have in mind then, as odd as it may sound, find him a teen chat line. Encourage him to meet others online, he can try and be himself and he may meet some friends there. If anything, he'll understand what he's missing out on or what he learns from others his own age. He may find a great friend online or just enjoy talking to kids his own age about anything. What better way to learn how to interact with his own peers at school, than to practice online without putting yourself out there first. Practice makes perfect.

Answer 2

if he is in highschool, other than clubs there are classes that he can sign up for that aren't really clubs but that get together for field trips and go places. Also maybe signing him up for a drama class. This is what I did for my younger brother who is 15 and a freshman. He hated the idea at first and the class, but after a few weeks got into it and had a few friends that he could hang out with after school and on the weekends and stuff. The class makes the children interact with others, it might be a little hard at first due to being shy. But it also helps with public speaking and confidence, so that maybe in a few years he can be confident enough to go on a interview for a job like at a movie theater or something. Either way I wish you best of luck and hope that you find something that works for your son, being bored is no fun.


Also I just read about the video game comment above, this is NOT true, there is nothing wrong with him playing video games. Especially if he isn't going out. Plus maybe in drama, or in school he can find people that like playing them too. My little brother does go out a lot more now. But playing video games really helped him, that way when people came over they had something to do, and didn't sit around with an awkward silence. Don't get me wrong I'm not saying kids should sit around ALL day and play, but it really might help him at first to start forming friendships with people whom have the same interest.

Answer 3

My son was the same... I used to tell him to go out and play and not come in until he found someone to play with( This was also many years ago when it WAS safe to play outside) My son is fine now, still doesn't have a whole load of friends he's a bit of a loner, I bought him a guitar and he took lesson sand became a great guitarist (and almost famous) he now has a wonderful wife and a wonderful daughter 4 years old. keep trying to get your son into some sort of "club" Scouts, Rangers, YMCA. hockey,. science club. anywhere where his interests are. and watch him blossom. 14 is an awful age for some boys, they're in between, not children exactly and not adults either. don't let him stress over it or you'll cause problems, being shy isn't the end of the world, he'll find his own confidence when he's ready.

Answer 4

Do you know people who have kids around his age? Friends or colleagues? If so, arrange family outings or invite the whole family over. Are they cousins nearby? Perhaps he could spend time with them, assuming they have like interests. If he is not interested in sports or clubs at school, does he have other interests that could lead to interacting with other kids his age? Take advantage of every opportunity to immerse him in his community/school/neighborhood. You may want to speak to a teacher, counselor, principal at your son's school, and find out if there are ways to encourage his involvement. Could he be a peer tutor? It can be incredibly difficult for shy kids to build relationships with other kids, especially at this age, when kids can be so critical of one another. Keep encouraging him, and make the best of the time you have together when he is home. Have a son close to a parent isn't all bad :) Good luck!

Answer 5

Maybe he is just the shy quiet type- I used to be concerned for my daughter, who was exactly like that! She would just go of by herself, or stay in her room by herself, etc. She is now 34 years old, and still quiet and shy, but she is smart, successful, and very happy! Some people just "march to a different drummer',and there is nothing wrong with enjoying your own company, and solitude. My only concern is that maybe he is feeling way tooo much pressure , if his family and a counselor are harping at him to make friends. you cannot force a friendship anyway- you can have a lot of acquaintences, but true friends are something that just happens, because you are in tune with one another!! If he feels pressured to have friends to please you, he may end up with the wrong kind of friends. I believe if he is content, and happy just leave him alone, and let things happen naturally. In time he will figure out what his interests and passions are, and he will find some buddies along the way..Give him a big hug, love him just as he is, and maybe someday he will be a scientist, or an astronaut, or whatever! He probably has wonderful, brilliant things going on in his mind, and he is just too mature, or too pre-occupied with his thoughts, to concentrate on "friends". Good luck!

Answer 6

well...i'm sure you have friends...and i'm sure they have kids too! Maybe you can have him meet them. Or maybe it's not a lack of kids...maybe it's a problem with his mind. Has he had anything traumatic happen recently? Maybe he feels like he needs to spend time with you because of a recent event. Or maybe he's just naturally shy.

In any case, talk to him. Let him know that you aren't going to force him to be friends with everybody...but also let him know that people are made to be social. Ask him if there's anything he's interested in doing. Perhaps he wants to volunteer somewhere (since he can't work yet)...or maybe he's an animal person. Try different situations to see if you can get him to come out of his shell. Whatever you do, encourage him and keep up a good relationship.

Answer 7

Hey now!! I take acception to the last remark..." who wants to hang out with mom all the time". My 17 yo son and I are very close. He also had a tough time making friends at that age, but he did eventually and now is quite popular. However, he would rather spend time with me, simply because he sees his friends every day at school and after school.
ANYWAY, just keep encouraging him to be involved at school. It's not really a huge deal that he doesn't have friends. He's at an ackward stage in his life. Give him time.

Answer 8

im a lot like your son. just not the smart part and i do have a same circle of friends. im really timid and i have like no self esteem so i know how hard it is to talk to people and make new friends don't try to pressure him that hard since its not all that easy. but i liked what the first answer said, if you have friends with kids his age invite them over. he'd feel more comfortable with you there. try getting him out of the house to be around other people

Answer 9

Get him involved in a hobby or project...something that will make him excited to do.
Does his school have after-school programs ? I know you said he didn't like sports, but what about science or chess club? You said he was smart.
Have him bring materials to decorate his locker and his backpack in a form of self-expression. This not only will give you insight into how he feels and what he likes, but others at school will notice him.

Answer 10

hey sarah im adam.
im 16 now and just started college in manchester, england.
i had the exact same problem at your sons age.
the best thing to do in this situation is to try and get him in to some kind of drama club or acting club. This is what my mum did to me. Drama is one of the most daunting things to do as it makes you have to interact with others and also sometimes make a fool of yourself in front of others. This means that your son will be more likely to be approached by other kids of the same age, and so in most cases leading to him making friends.
Though this may not work...

If there is anyone atall that your son mentions about, ask him to invite them over for tea and this can also help him make friends.

The last way is to stop him playing video games. I had a picture in my head when reading your question of your son, sat on his own in his bedroom playing games, whilst other children were playing football together outsie. One of my major problems when i was younger was that i played far too many video games and didnt care about socialising.
Just put limits on the amount of time he is allowed to play on games and this also may encourage him to make friends.

i hope i have helped sarah.

:)