What should I do if hubby cancels our counseling appointment again?

Question

He made a promise to go because he says he wants to try and save our marriage. He canceled the past 2 times and just didn't show up the 3rd. this will be the 4th time to go all together and I went by myself. But I really need him there because I can't work at our marriage by myself. He says he doesn't want someone telling him how to run his life. I told him thats not what she is there for she is just there to help us learn to talk to each other without fighting. We can't do it alone and he agrees with me on that part but hes still not making a point to go when hes the one that set it up in the first place. I left him once with the kids and he doesn't want that to happen again and yet he knows I will not stay if all we do is argue and get no where. Thats where the counselor came in to the picture but he keeps making excuses not to be there. What can I do, I'm not one to give up but this marriage will get no where if we both don't get help. I love him, but not enough to continue fighting

Answer 1

That sounds really tough... but interesting...

You seem to suggest that the only way to save your relationship is to get counselling - from what you've said, counselling (and whether or not he'll go) is perhaps just the current battleground/topic for deeper underlying issues that themselves should be addressed directly? Is there anything else you could do apart from counselling that he would agree to?

I'm married, and the thing I often find helpful in "fighting times" is to work on myself and what I bring to the discussion/fight, so that I can better diffuse a heated situation rather than being antagonistic and fighting back. Doesn't always work, and I often end up fighting fire with fire... but if one person can keep a cool head and be mature enough to admit mistakes they've made, talk about things calmly, etc. it often stops heated discussions turning into a full blown fight. And trust me that you CAN work on your marriage by yourself, in terms of what you bring to it. Because when one half of a couple start to act more maturely and by doing so shows the other person up for being immature (not for the sake of putting them down, but for the sake of being mature), the other person will realise and respond to it. No matter what else happens (in terms of him going to counselling or not) you can always work on yourself and your communication skills, whether he's there or not.

Also, what is your husband's solution for working on your relationship? You talk alot about what you want him to do, but have said very little about his ideas and what he wants.

Last but not least, I may be wrong, but I would have thought if you loved him enough, you would continue to fight - for him, and for you relationship... sorry if that's a little low, but I think the point still stands.

Answer 2

First off the thing that jumped out of the page at me was you said your counselor was a female...that could be the first problem. Men automatically think that she is taking your side and he is going to get nowhere with two women. Have you considered a male counselor??? Ask if that would make him feel better. And if that doesn't work then he doesn't really care about this relationship. he just wants to have you there to take care of him and not have to take care of you in return. Tell him your his wife not his mother and if he needs a mother to go back home. You need a life for yourself...and a relationship like that is no good for the children either...you have to think of them first.

Answer 3

You didn't say how long this has been going on, so I presume it has been some time. It appears that he is not going to go to any counseling sessions, because, I believe, he thinks the counselor will blame him for what has been happening in your marriage. Sorry to say it, but I don't think you will be able to convince him to go and if you are unhappy, don't let the kids suffer it is time to move on.

Answer 4

Okay HE DOESN'T WANT SOMEONE TELLING HIM HOW TO RUN HIS LIFE? that alone tells you he's a jerk! He doesn't like to HEAR the truth is what I think. Oh man he doesn't really care or you haven't made it clear to him HOW IMPORTANT this is in order for you to STAY TOGETHER. I can see why there is marital problems if he can't even listen to what other people want does he even care about the kids??. He sounds a bit selfish. It doesn't matter if you argue. It's obvious your feelings don't count. Maybe you need a separation. And continue going to counseling alone.

Answer 5

Keep going to counseling even if he doesn't and discuss this with the counselor. I'm sure you won't be the only person that this has happened to and the counselor will help you deal. He or she will also help you to figure out when enough is really enough.

Answer 6

Sure it would be more helpful if he was there too. But if he's unwilling to show up you can use the time to improve your communication skills and work on the parts of the problem that are solely yours. Maybe if he sees how hard you're willing to work and what results you're having he'll be more willing to go.

Answer 7

sounds like he never got a chance to be a kid by the way he's acting, if he doesn't show up again i would take it as a sign that he doesn't really beleive that you will leave again, there's a saying when it comes to divorce. it's cheaper to keep her then let her take 1/2. Maybe he doesn't want to pay support.

Answer 8

It seems to me that in his bullheadedness, he has failed to realize that sometimes help is NEEDED by an outsider looking in.

You're right, you can't do it alone. There is no excuse when it comes to wanting to saving your marriage. It's time for you to consider other options for yourself. There's no reason to carry around dead weight, which is exactly what you're doing now.

Answer 9

First, stop with the desperate housewife crap. It makes you look like a bad wife in this situation. Your husband needs a wake up call and it might be too late for him when it comes. Give him a chance, I bet he just has too much pride. Good luck.

Answer 10

You should dump his dumb azz. Tell him you are going to get a real man that knows how to make you happy.