I have another poem that I'd like someone to critique for me.?

Question

I'm very new to writing poetry, writing stories is more my style but it's for a class and this is the second poem I've ever written. Here it is:


The sun shines warm on my skin
It is morning and I don't want to be in
The outside world calls to me
through the window I hear its plea
It says lets go play and have some fun
your chores will still be there when we're done
I smile and think mom wil never know
she is busy and talking on the phone
Maybe, just maybe she will not see
If I leave and let the bed just be.
My toys can wait awhile
mom knows thats just my style
I cannot wait a moment longer
I don't want to be bored and somber
And so I sneak right out the door
to play and have fun forever more.

I'd also like some suggestions for a title. I can't think of a good one.

Answer 1

It's a good poem...especially for a second atttempt. You dropped your rhymescheme somewhere between "know" and "phone", but otherwise you kept that going throughout the poem. ("Longer" and "somber" are close enough that I would just let it pass.)

It sounds like the justification that goes on inside of a young mind when there is work to be done...it is insightful. You can craft the title on the play aspect: "Play Date" or "Gone Playing". Or you could craft the title on the justification aspect: "Apology for Justification" or "Warrant for a Sunny Morning". Or you could just take the first line like so many poets do...

Answer 2

it's good, i like it. i write poetry (or i used too) and i once had the opportunity to be schooled by a woman who writes for The European Poetry Society. Their are different styles of poetry and particular ways they should be written, every line in the poem should have the same number of syllables able to fluctuate by three. This means that as you read your poem clap your hands to the syllables and count how many are in that particular line.
For example:

The sun shines warm on my skin (7)
It is morning and I don't want to be in (11)
the number of syllables shouldn't vary any more than three so try it like this:

The sun shines warm (4)
on my skin (3)
It is morning (4)
don't want to be in (5)

i hope this makes sense........ and may be helps a little.

Answer 3

Its very good hon! The word's flowed beautifly. As for a title, How about.....
1. Summer Day's, Summer Morning, Summer
2. Spring, Arrival of Spring,Day's of Spring
3. Beautiful Day
4. Sunshine,Call of the Sun,Day's of Youth

Answer 4

It sounds nice. A good title might be "Playtime" or something like that. But yeah it's a really nice poem. Just think about making better use of metaphores and similies, to invoke emotion in people. Try to play on the senses, or appeal to the recall part of our brains. Like saying, "Her eyes are winter fire, January embers, like dry ice on my soul" instead of saying "Her eyes burn my soul". Otherwise it was tight. Keep writing your thoughts and feelings, and you can't go wrong.

Answer 5

I love this. It is very fresh.

You are in essence throwing off whatever has kept you in the house. "Escape" sounds far too serious, but something along those lines. You could also use as your tite the last three words. "Fun Forever More"

Answer 6

It's good. Keep at it. Read up on other poetry and see what they have done, that's how I learned to paint.

Answer 7

I think it's good and you know what they say practice makes perfect

Answer 8

"waiting"

It's OK....free verse. Keep writing!