How do I let go?

Question

I was molested as a child for two straigth years. I reported it and it went to court. The man was my mothers fiance. My family is white and he is black. My father, in the past has made a racial slure towards him when he found my mother in bed with him. My mother stood beside the man that sexually tormented me throughout the trial. He was found not guilty becasue they felt my father put me up to lying becuase he was a racist. I was 8 years old when it startewd, ten when it ended and 11 when we went to court.

I am now 25 years old and still have all the papers from the courts (depostitions, statements, ect.). I no longer speak to my birth mother. I want to let all of this go, though i will never forgive her. I need to move on. How do I do this and what do I do with this giant stack of papers that has held me down for so long?

Answer 1

Keep in mind that if you allow this horrible experience cast a shadow over your happiness and well-being is just like him victimizing you again and in a way he's still in control. But you are in a position now to say NO this time and not allow that. It's a matter of taking back control. I'm sorry you got shafted by your own mother. All I can say to that is many women have done stupid things for an undeserving man. It's not a sign of your worth as a human being, some people just make unbelievably poor choices. As far as your papers go, having that tangible reminder of it all probably hampers recovery a bit. Only you know when the time is right to dispose of them (pref by burning) and let it be symbolic of you want, a turning point for putting it behind you.

Answer 2

That's a very tough situation. Obviously, the best answer is to seek professional counseling from someone you feel comfortable with. Don't be afraid to "shop around".

I have found in life that there is no destiny, no fate, or anything like that. You literally make your own life. If you allow these past things to have power over you, you are only hurting yourself and giving those people more power.

I don't think you have to forgive your mother. There are some parents that are simply messed up. They have severe mental issues. A parent is just another person, there's no "magic" there. Some have done far worse things than your mother, some have been better parents. You have absolutely no obligation to her. You will very likely never get an aoplogy from her so don't let that be the cause of your continuing depression or apathy or whatever you suffer from.

Be yourself, find your own way with friends and family that you trust. Whomever you don't trust, drop them by the wayside.

Answer 3

There is no easy answer. There are a few things that may help:
1) Move. Move away from anywhere that has connecting memories and build up new ones, the further the better.
2) Write. Start writing a journal or similar, when you start thinking about it write it all down until you have nothing left to write. Then close the book and only open it again when you have something that you want to write again. Repeat yourself as much as needed.
3) This is the most effective.
Therapy. Talk to a trained professional. Most of us try to avoid this as much as possible since it admits weakness, but if you can find someone that you can trust they can help you in ways that you would never believe possible.

Answer 4

Some one attempted to kill my son-in-law over a year ago, the authorities have never been able to find the person. Since my son-in-law has been out of the hospital he has been unable to sleep, he has moved twice, and is irritable.

I gave the quick version above so you know that I understand being overwhelmed by thought and obsession. Although I continually encourage him to move on, he can't. Just recently, he discovered that a large part of his mental state has to do with his physical. He has been diagnosed with sleep apnea, which according to medical is impacting his mental strength (we all know that). He originally thought his anxiety was totally a result of the attempt on his life (which is probably true) but, not having full control of his thought process or, how he processes information due to being exhausted all the time has affected how he thinks. Thus, he is unable to combat the anxious, angry and fear feelings.

Not saying that you have this, just think you should explore all avenues. If something as tragic as a rape or molestation with out total family support is suffocating you, it won't get better all by itself and could make your unbalance permanent. If that happens the person(s) that caused this situation are the winners.

Answer 5

I don't think it will leave you, you just have to make it not a part of your life anymore. The past is in the past. Make your future memorable, so when you look back, you can smile about it. Though the past is what makes us who we are today, don't let it interfere. I know this will be hard, but do things that make you happy. Go out with friends, get a manicure or a facial, go on a vacation or something. Letting go can be very hard, but once you let it not interfere with your life, it is as if it were never there. Good luck to your future.

Answer 6

Put them somewhere where they won't taunt you. I would say burn them and such but you should really keep the records. Anyway, put them in a safety deposit box or something. So that way they won't be in your home and you won't feel the need to look at them. Do you see a therapist or anything? They may help you emotionally to get through it all happening, and probably give you advice as to where to put the papers.