Soft and Sweet
it makes me smile.
I pull back and stare awhile.
My chest goes up and down.
My chest goes in and out.
I lean in once more to lightly touch mouth to mouth.
Shy now, I look away
fumbling for something to say.
But words are not forthcoming
so I stay back and say nothing.
I have to write poetry for my Creative Writing class but I've never done it before. I write stories and I'd just really like some feedback.
so I stay back and say nothing.
2007-03-07 03:47:26 · 10 answers · asked by Becky 5 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
Aww, it's a sweet, gentle poem.
I thought it was going to turn out to be about an object, like a fine dessert or a marshmallow peep, that you were trying to trick us into thinking was a person. Now I'm wondering if he was asleep? It's not clear. But poems aren't supposed to be clear. I think it conveys a nice sentiment, the way you want to kiss someone or tell them you like them, but you can't quite do it, or you do do it, and then things are awkward and you don't know what to say.
I noticed, though, that the meter (the rhythm when you read the poem aloud) doesn't work very well.
2007-03-07 03:59:18 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like your use of words and images but you need a little work on your style and meter.
A poem will either rhyme in a pattern or it will be prose. Which is this? Pick a meter and allow it some consistency throughout the piece. Let it flow... This stops and starts in all the wrong places.
If you are going to use the lines about your chest going in and out and up and down...
Better to go all out with it and elaborate to make for better assonance.
Soft and sweet
it makes me smile
pulling back, to stare a while
My chest fills up
my chest falls down
My breath comes in
and then goes out.
(this better matches the rhythmic pattern of breathing even though it is nursery rhyme-like and juvenile, it sounds better this way.)
I lean in once
and lightly touch
from mouth to mouth
then look away
words are not forthcoming ...
("forthcoming" is not the best word to use here, too many syllables.) The word you use should have the same syllable count as nothing and share either the end or beginning sound ...
ing or long O
I think you should add more descriptive thoughts and expressions
2007-03-07 11:58:34 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its nice.
You could remove some unnecessary words and still get the same impact.
Count your syllables on each line to balance them out.
The lines should flow like music.
Use another word for stare like gaze or observe
The mouth to mouth line is long.
2007-03-07 12:02:41 · answer #3 · answered by Ronatnyu 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's not too bad. You have a good grip on what to write about in poetry, so keep up the good work.
2007-03-07 11:56:06 · answer #4 · answered by mtoutlaw_87 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like it, and I'm not much of a poetry fan.
2007-03-07 11:55:44 · answer #5 · answered by TitoBob 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's OK. Write more. Try putting it to music too.
2007-03-07 11:56:51 · answer #6 · answered by Amir E. Aharoni 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes, I like it too. It has a nice rhythm to it. It's soft, nice job. :)
2007-03-07 17:24:43 · answer #7 · answered by Forever 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
doing fine, but to get better do more. read poetry of other people
to see their styles.
2007-03-07 11:56:31 · answer #8 · answered by J 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like it.
2007-03-07 11:55:37 · answer #9 · answered by sparkleythings_4you 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I like it's good.
2007-03-07 16:00:09 · answer #10 · answered by bubbas_bookworm 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋