Principals.?

Question

My husband has been single all his life. He is 41. He has alot of female friends. One in particular lives out of state. She is comming to visit. He in the past had written some emails that were discoverd by me because I snooped in his email. These were to her and I felt they were in appropriate. It hurt my feelings. It is not an issue of trust, but an issue of respect for me. She sends him text messages wanting to know if he is available...and sends him text messages w/pictures. He says there is nothing there between them only friends. He wants her to stay with us when she visits. I'm uncomfortable with that...b/c of the past. She is a nice person, I actually like her. I'm just not comfortable with the situation, he does not understand how I feel and when I bring it up it results in a big argument. We have not been married that long (a few months) I love him and want to work this out, I want him to see my point of view. I do not like this friendship. What do I do?

Answer 1

would you rather have her staying where you can see her or somewhere where your hubby will go visit her??

Answer 2

This is a problem with trust. I mean, why were you snooping in his emails? You both need to sit down and have a heart to heart about boundaries and what it means to be married. That vow about forsaking all others doesn't just mean don't have an affair. It means abandoning anyone who threatens the marriage. It actually might not be a bad idea to let her stay with you guys so you can all talk and clear the air. But realistically, if you come across as a jealous, insecure person trying to control the situation, your husband will not react favorably. If you guys can't work this out on your own you might want to seek counseling. And when you do talk, don't be accusatory. Use I statements, "I feel that ..." Really listen when he talks and repeat back to him what he says in the way you understand it to give him a chance to clarify. You'd be surprised how well this works in a touchy situation. Good Luck.

Answer 3

That's a tricky situation. What I would do is sit him down and tell him that you have no problem with her visiting but you are not comfortable with her staying there. But here is one thing I would like to point out, if she stays there you can keep an eye on the situation, if she's at a hotel, he'll go over there to see her. To me the added piece of mind of knowing where they are when they are together would be worth a little discomfort over her staying there with you. As far as the friendship, I myself have a lot of female friends and I do a lot of harmless flirting, which could, by some people, be considered inappropriate, but it's harmless flirting and we all know that it is, my wife and the other women included. However, I have cut down on it since we got married. If you trust him, don't try to stop this, it'll just cause more problems and make him think you are trying to control him. And that will drive a bigger wedge between you. Or there is another alternative....put the shoe on the other foot, have a male friend of yours come visit and stay with you (one that you've been flirting with), that may be enough to make him think twice about this arrangement and see your point of view. Good luck

Answer 4

You discovered emails he sent her in the past that you feel were inapropriate... were you and he married when he sent these emails? No, wait, you said that you've only been married a few months so I somehow don't think you'd talk about a couple of months ago as "in the past."

So let me see if I've got this straight: when he was single, he flirted with other girls, and you don't want them arround. OK, that seems resonable to me... but first, you have to lead by example. Before you can ask him to do that, you have to break all contact with every man you've ever flirted with.

*pause to let the gasps of horror and screems at me for being a male schovinist die down*

Seriously, if you want him to do something, you've got to do it twice as much. It's your passion to break contact with previous love-interests, so you have to put all of your passion into it.

Answer 5

Letting her stay with you is better than having him go to a hotel to visit her!! He probably respects you, but she sure does not!!! She knows you two are married what a question asking if he is available. Maybe he should inform her that he will not be available because he is "happily married"!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 6

Well girl friend this is truly a hard one.Cause i know you don't want to cause any more confusion in your home, but I totally feel where your coming from. I mean I think that with him begging your husband and with you going to him trying to talk to him about how you feel. He should automatically cut that sh it off. But we all know how selfish men can be. But let me tell you this . I got a girl friend, and years ago she was with this man and he told her that his cousin needed a place to stay and that she would be staying with them and trying to be a good woman she let it ride.Well come out to be this girl wasn't his cousin at all she was some chick he was fu cking and had been fu cking the whole time she was staying with them.And this is not the only female i know that this happen to only the other girl was the fake family member. So with that i say this she can't come stay I mean i don't know if your husband a honest man or not but females can be just as low down if not more low down as men. If i where you i would tell him she simply can NOT i said can NOT come stay here. We can go half on a room for her but the bi tch can't come stay here and if he says fu ck it and lets her stay there any way. Then there's nothing else to do but pack your sh it.Cause from what you wrote the **** just don't seem right.

God bless you


and i just want to add cause i read a couple of answers. Let me tell you this ani't about him fu cking her . Because sweetie belive it or not you can't stop him fron fu cking her. See this is about letting some sh it go down in your home.You see, I feel like this you don't really know whats in his hreat.you don't really know for sure if it's some funny's going on or not. But it's somthing you just don't feel right about .But right or wrong you can't stop him from fu cking her i mean for all you know he could have been fu cking her she could have already been down here and now she ani't got no moeny for a room and they trying to pull some slick sh it.But here me when i say this when you came to him and said you didn't feel right about it the conversation should have been over with right then. He should have called her and told her my wife don't feel right how about you get a room. But know he's going to press the issuse. and it would be differnt if she was somebody he went to school with or someone he grew up with and they were never romanic. They just all ways been friends and she has always been around. But this is some bi tch he used to fu ck with and now because he subppositly ani't seen or fu ck with her in a while there friend.Answers this have they ever been together (as far as sex). If the answer is yes me and you both know you can't be friends with some one you used to fu ck .You can be cool with them i mean maybe ya'll parted ways and there was no hard feelings.But friends never that. Cause theres nothing to talk about but old feelings. DON'T LET THAT BI TCH COME STAY IN YOUR HOME I DON'T CARE WHAT HE SAYS.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 7

Men are allowed to have friends... The "wanting to know if he is available" Available to talk or available to date? If its date then she is not showing you much respect and if your not comfortable with ANYBODY in your house why can't they stay in a hotel? Maybe you should talk to her and not your hubby.... It would be easier to determine her intentions by talking to her. You can't really tell him he can't be friends with women, but you don't have to stand by and let another woman sneak in on your man.

Answer 8

He made a committment to you, so he should respect your wishes. He needs to end contact with her. This is NOT just a "friendship" interest if there are inappropriate e-mails involved and she should NOT stay in your home if she visits.

Answer 9

Your husband can have female friends but there is a matter of respect......from this woman but mainly from your husband.

You two need to sit down and discuss what's you both feel is appropriate behavior between him and his friends.

Don't be pushed into something that doesn't feel right to you.

Answer 10

Alright this is going to be a REALLY long answer but I really think this will help you so grab a cup of coffee and get comfortable :-)

One thing I am a stickler for when I counsel married couples (newlyweds or otherwise), are friends of the opposite sex. I don't tell either spouse not to have them, but I do advise them to keep these friends at a distance. Why do I tell them this? Well they're of the opposite sex, of course. When one is good friends with someone of the opposite sex (not a casual acquaintence, I'm talking a good, solid, time consuming friendship), a relationship that is more than a friendship is almost unavoidable. The reason? Because they're friends. Friends like eachother, they do things together, they respect eachother the list goes on and on. The point is, the components of a platonic friendship have all the makings of a healthy relationship. One thing that ALL successful married couples have in common is that they are all good friends with their spouse(s). That is absolutely crucial when it comes to marriage. Now friends of the opposite sex may not ever plan on getting married but when they become friends they are much closer than they think whether they know it or not. And if they are the LEAST bit attracted to one another (and they probably will be...as a good being a good friend with someone of the opposite sex makes them attractive no matter what they look like) , chances are, something will happen eventually (if it hasn't happened already).

My advice to you would be to sit down with your husband and have a gentle heart to heart with him. It is absolutely paramount NOT be sound accusatory, or judgemental. Simply tell him that you like this girl but the fact that she is a woman makes you uncomfortable. Tell him you trust him (even if you don't) and tell him you're not worried that anything will happen (even if you do...and you should as you are his wife). Inevitably he will ask you "why are you not comfortable? She's just a friend. What's wrong? Don't you trust me?" Simply tell him it's a matter of respect. You're his wife and you're not comfortable with another woman spending the night in your house. Let him know that you ARE his wife and that you would really appreciate it if he would respect you and your wishes and have his female friend stay somewhere besides your home. Tell him it's just a matter of principal. DO NOT give him the "put the shoe on the other foot." scenario because 9 times out of 10 the other person will say "I'd be fine with it" even if they wouldn't be. You do NOT want to allow him to give himself permission to do this just because he SAYS he'd be okay with another man that knows his wife very well to spend the night. Basically let him know how you feel. Be respectful, but be firm.

Now as far as these text messages and emails go, it needs to stop. I wouldn't bring this up until a couple of weeks after his female friend has gone back home. You don't want to bombard him with all these things at once. Otherwise he'll have an excuse to withdraw himself from you. But like I said, it needs to stop. Again, bring this up respectfully, but you need to be a little more firm here. Remind your husband that you love him and that you trust him but his actions aren't making it easy for you to do so. You need to remind him, respectfully, that he isn't single anymore and that he is married to you. And just like the whole spending the night issue with his friend, he should respect you and your wishes and stop doing it. Tell him you like the girl and all but emailing and text messages is not how married men behave...and let him know that HE knows that already. Again, he's not going to make this easy but you need to stand your ground.

A couple of reasons divorce is always on the rise are:

1) Tigers refuse to change their stripes. When men and women get married some of them seem to think they can still go out with their friends whenever they want to, interact socially with the opposite sex (when their spouse isn't around), without having to be accountable to their spouse. They still feel that they are "their own person and they can do what they want to do". Marriage is simply a title to them rather than a way of life. So let's get one thing straight here: When you get married you are NOT your own person anymore. You belong to your wife/husband, period. And that alone should make anyone feel absolutely blissful that they have someone to call their own. When it comes to interacting with the opposite sex, it should be with a group of people, and ONE of those people needs to be the spouse. I'm not saying that if someone leaves their husband/wife alone with a man/woman for 5 minutes while going to use the restroom they'll find them both on the floor humping eachother's brains out upon their return. What I AM saying is that when people of the opposite sex spend a lot of time alone together, feelings start to surface. It's not that they're bad people for this happening, it's that they're HUMAN. So to avoid this from happening, it's important that married couples go to social gatherings together and NOT alone...not because they don't trust their spouse, but because they want to play the numbers game. The less time your spouse spends with someone of the opposite sex alone, the less likely they are to develop feelings for that person...simple math.

2) They cling to friends of the opposite sex. No I'm not saying married people shouldn't have friends of the opposite sex (I know there are people out there with their mouths wide open). What I AM saying is that really close friends of the opposite sex is a big time relationship killer....even if nothing happens. It causes mistrust: "Where were you tonight?" "I was with Carly, com'mon honey she's just a friend." Nothing may have happened but the wife doesn't know that for sure and trust me that feeling WON'T go away. Another example is when you fight with your spouse, who are you going to talk to about it?: "My husband is so bull-headed sometimes. He just doesn't listen. I'm glad you listen to me. You've always been a good friend..." and we all know what can potentially happen after that.

3) People have no idea what it means to be married. Marriage is SO much more than the vows. It's respect, trust, understanding, patience, communication, forgiveness and sacrifice...and you know what, anyone off the street could tell you that but very few really know what it means and how to do it.

Your husband needs to RESPECT the fact that you are his wife and that you are uncomfortable with having his female friend stay with you. He needs to understand that it is important for you to TRUST him and that these text messages and emails will eventually cause you to lose trust in him. However, you will need to be PATIENT with him and UNDERSTAND that changing his habits as a single man isn't going to happen over night...on the flipside he needs to understand that this is one of many SACRIFICES the both of you will make to stay married to one another and have a healthy relationship. Now he may let her stay with you two, and afterwards realize he made a mistake. If he COMMUNICATES this to you (yes he HAS to communicate this to you otherwise you won't know for sure whether or not he's seen the err of his ways), you need to FORGIVE him as he is your husband which affords him that priviledge at this point.

The bottom line is that your husband still acts like he's single in a lot of ways whether either of you want to admit it or not. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. So if you RESPECTFULLY, and "wifely" ("wifely" meaning turn on the charm that allowed you to snag him in the first place) tell him how you feel about these things, he will at least make an honest effort to stop; and for no other reason except that you're his wife and he loves you (eventually he will stop, but again, he's been single all his life so it is going to take some work on his part and Patience on yours) If the behavior continues and you can see he's not giving this an honest effort, you may be finding out where his loyalties lie...

Good luck and remember, use that wifely charm. Remind him why he married you in the first place and the conversation should go just fine.