How long should I wait for my wife to decide if she still wants me?

Question

My wife and I have been together for 10 years, 5 1/2 married. Lately she has told me that she feels like were more friends than lovers. She says she's felt like this for a few years, but has been trying to figure out what was wrong. I recommended counceling, but she says she doesn't believe in it. She told me she loves me, but isn't "in love" with me anymore, and doesn't feel romantically attracted to me. She then told me there's someone at work that she "thinks" she might have feelings for and "might" be sexually attracted to. Now, she says she has not acted on these feelings. We're now seperated for about 3 weeks, because she said she needed time to figure out what she wants, and I still hope she comes back. But, I have a feeling she has already made up her mind and needs time to figure out how to tell me. I love her so much that I would be willing to let her go, as much as it would hurt. Should I just abandon all hope and figure out how to go on without her?

Answer 1

You answered your own question. I think she has already made up her mind to be with this other man. Sorry that you are hurting, I know it's not easy but I say you should move on.

Answer 2

This is a very sad situation. In any marriage these feelings will come up at some point, it doesn't matter who you are.
People need to realize that we can not allow our feelings to decide the fate of a marriage. If everybody lived by their feelings , than no one would stay married. I wish there was a way I could tell your wife that these are normal feelings, but should not be dwelled on or acted on. In a marriage it is good to become friends. Also, if she gets with someone else in time she will have the same feelings as she does with you.
Is your wife a christian at all? IF so she needs to go to a pastor she can trust and tell how she is feeling and read in the word what to do.
Sometimes I dont feel like I am in love with my husband either, but I choose to stay in my marriage and be faithful, because it is the right thing to do. Love is not a feeling , it is a choice. If she works at the marriage and you do too, love can get stronger. If she goes, just know you tried the best you could, but don't let her be free while you are separated. Sometimes people get separated as an excuse to sleep with someone else and than when it is over they come back. been there. I know how you feel.
All I can say is God can help to keep the marriage if that is trully what both individuals want.

Answer 3

In cases like yours, I always recommend the book "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson. It really helped me and some of my friends! It's easy, quick reading and will help you do more of the right things that might bring her back to you. There is no guarantee, but the author explains the hows, whats, and whys and helps you deal with it in a way that leaves the possibility open for reconcilement. You can get a good used copy online from Alibris books starting at only $2.95. I wish I had read it much sooner than I did!

If it doesn't work, hey, the faster the break, the quicker the healing begins. I have lived this too several times and it's better if a break is not long and drawn out.

Answer 4

I really feel for you. I think while you are giving her space you should also think about all the reason you love her and want to be with her. Once you have all your thoughts together you should see if you can meet with her and tell her how you feel and why you want to make the relationship work. I think it is common that after a few years of being with someone it can become routine, and you have less and less of those new "in love" feelings. Since those feeling are so great some people may want to have them again and think that they can only get them by falling in love again with someone new. But I don't think this is true, she just needs to remember why she fell in love with you in the first place. Maybe you could take her out to somewhere you went when you were dating, or something to show her you still care. Do something to show her that you remember why you fell in love with her in the first place.

I wouldn't wait too long though, the longer you are separated the more likely things will not work out. Don't give her a chance to have feeling for someone else! Make her fall in love with you again.

Answer 5

I feel bad for you. She is lucky to have you and maybe after a while of being separated she'll realize that. I know how your wife feels, and it's not a good place to be in. She loves you but doesn't want to hurt you unnecessarily, but she needs to figure out what she needs to make her happy. What does she say now after 3 weeks? I would say figure out how to go on without her, don't wait around.

Answer 6

I had a similar experience. My bottom line was "either decide in favor of me and we will stay together and work things out" or "get out now". She got out now, and it gave me the opportunity to wrap it up and move on. The sooner you ask the question, the sooner you will know. It was very painful for me not knowing her status. If your relationship is to the point that you feel it is, then probably best to end it as soon as possible. If you can end it amicably without having your attorneys get you in a catfight and take all your money or if you can just agree to split up the assets and move on, it will be better for both of you. If you end it now then find you still have feelings for each other, you can deal with that later.

Answer 7

Boy am I in the same boat. My wife fell in love with someone she works with and while nothing happened she told me she is in love with him. He may not be interested but needless to say this has put our marriage in a state of limbo. She s not sure what she wants to do and neither am I. How much time do I give her. I do love her and want this to work. We have gone to counseling separately and together. We stopped going together because she wanted to see another counceler who could help her get this person out of her head. I m at my wits end and I don t know what to do anymore. I feel like I m the one making all the efforts and my wife not so much.

Answer 8

i know it's difficult to let go of someone you love but your intuition might be right. she might have made a decision already and is just looking for a way to let you know. if you say that you love her enough to let her go, then at this time, i thing you are left with no other choice but to do that. it may have been this other man that caused her to fall out of love with you because it's like that. when you develop feelings for another person, your feelings for your present partner will slowly diminish. hope for the best but prepare for the worst. be strong and go on with your life because as the saying goes, tomorrow is another day.

Answer 9

i would think if she felt comfortable enough to tell you shes attracted to someone else she has either decided to move on or she was trying to see how you would react either way how messed up to have to put your life on hold while she decides if she still wants to be your wife??? i would think no matter how much it would hurt to end the drama living in limbo cant be any better.cut her lose and stop letting her decide your life for you no matter how much it hurts it would be a one time hurt not an on going pain.

Answer 10

Why don't you re start the spark....plan a trip for two with no kids (if you have any) and make it about you too..

How old is she? If she is in her mid 30's all mid thrities woman need high excitement and adventure. If you great that for her...maybe it will help.

Marriages do have the tendency to get boring. Maybe thats all it is. She doesn't want to sit on the couch and watch tv every night with you and eat pot roast..she wants to get out and live life..More adventures..more travel..more fun when she was 20.

Mid life crisis maybe!!!