Is it really just me? Am I asking too much?

Question

I've posted other questions on here and get quite a few answers saying I'm asking too much of my husband. I'm wondering what is asking too much? I do 85% of child care, 90% of housework, we both work full time, he goes out without us every weekend, he smokes pot almost every day, his friends come before us, I never go out, I pay all the bills, he admits that without me the house would fall in around him. I ask, not tell, him to help me, he says he will, tomorrow...which never comes. He's the king of broken promises, he has little interest in sex with me. He was NOT like this before we got married. I am a very laid back wife, most of his friends are jealous of the "freedom" he has. Am I wrong to be unhappy? To feel as though I am being taken advatage of? I have talked to him, repeatedly, calmly, he agrees with me, agrees things should change...tomorrow. Should I just let it go and live with it?

Answer 1

Lonely Wife,
Listen, I answered a previous question of yours. Sounds like you married a child, not an adult here. I had a husband like that before. Notice I used the word "had." He is obviously not mature enough to be in this relationship. I'm sure you love him and want your marraige to work. But, it takes two to make a marriage work. It can not be one sided. I think he doesn't take into consideration you or your child's feelings at all. It is not worth staying in a relationship just because you have a child together. He either needs to grow up and quit being so selfish or it is never going to work out. You will end up miserable. You can not change someone who isn't willing to change. You need to put your foot down and quit being so laid back. It's making you miserable. You need to think about yourself and your child instead of him. He's a big boy and can take care of himself. Someone has to be the responsible adult for your child and it looks as if that person is you. So, think long and hard about this. You need to do what's best for you and your child. Ask yourself,"Where am I going to be in 5 years and what will I be doing?" "Is it going to be that same old crap?" If you answer "yes" then it's time to consider moving on and starting a life with your child. I mean, do you really want your child to think that going out on the weekends with out mom and smoking pot is normal? Of course you don't. Think of the influence he has on your child. He's his/her daddy. And kids look up to their parents. I don't think you are asking to much of this guy. If anything, he's asking too much of you. OK...I'm off of my soap box now. I wish you the best in whatever you may decide to do.

Answer 2

I've been in the same position and it's terrible to feel used and that's what I call it. Our sitiations are exactly the same and I think that we have allowed it to happen long enough that by now, they just expect it. I don't know how to change it, other than just quit doing alot of the things you're doing that he takes for granted, such as having supper ready, having his coffee in the mornings and being at home on the weekends when he goes out. You and the kids should start making your own plans and let him see what it's like to come home and you not be there. The housework would also start lacking a bit, not become a slob but not be so up on things needing done. Marriage does change things although people say it doesn't. My husband once told me (while he was drunk) that he had me now and didn't have to try to impress me anymore. They just think that once we become theirs, anything goes. WRONG!! No, you're not asking for too much and don't let anyone tell you that you are. Marriage is a 2 way street and it takes giving and taking from both. One person can't do it all.People say don't sweat the small stuff but alot of little things add up to be alot. If you can live with it, fine but if you're feeling neglected and unappreciated, you need to do something and not just live with it. You deserve more than that. Good luck, my prayers are with you!!

Also, I'm a marijuana advocate and think it's highly overated. It doesn't make you a bad, lazy or thoughtless person unless you already were. I smoke pot on a regular basis and consider myself to be highly moral and compatible with all people. Pot is not his excuse!

Answer 3

He sounds like a typical pot head.
Been there and done that... long before my family and children were in the picture though. It makes you "not" care, that's why most people smoke it. From what you've described, most of your problems would probably disappear if the pot did. He sounds very immature and needs to grow up.
You sound like a very intelligent person who knows what is best for you and your children. Give him a final ultimatum and do what's best for your kids.
You are not wrong to be unhappy and you shouldn't have to put up with this. Don't let it go, you deserve much better. Good luck to you.

Answer 4

As long as he smoking pot and goin out with friends and stuff like that he will never change! Smoking really does cloud your judgement!I feel the same way you do! My husband drinks alot and he never remembers anything that happens! He also thinks this doesnt effect anyone but him! You are being taken advantage of and I know how you feel!!!You need to talk to him and tell (when hes not high) how you feel, tell him if he cant control his habit he needs to go to rehab! If that doesnt work give him an ultimatim! You dont need all the stress of working ,taking care of kids,worrying about him. Its not fair for you to sit at home while he goes out with friends, its time for him to grow up! The only thing that got my husband to straighten up was rehab! He got into trouble and was sent to rehab! He was so scared of losing his family he straightened up. So maybe, if your that unhappy with things, leaving, at least for awhile, may be your only choice!Good luck to you

Answer 5

You are not wrong for feeling the way you do afterall, your husband is taking advantage of you. You pay most of the daycare and all of the bills and yet you ask for him to help you around the house? Sounds like you need to put your foot down or straight up his butt. You are allowing him to come and go as he pleases. Show your children who the adult is in your home and either kick him out or make him start helping. There is no waiting until tomorrow on this. This will also help your children to learn responsibility as well. Thank you and may GOD bless.

Answer 6

Is this Robyn, my Wife? Ok if not... Get him on Zyban or wellbruton, which really helps to get off the pot. Your statement seems one-sided, but as I can't talk to him, I must conclude that he is selfish. What attracted you to him in the first place? I would get a person to help you both with the relationship. Life is boaring, and we shouldn't count on our "better half" to save us. We sort of have to save ourselves, so, plan a trip and go, without him, you and the kids can have fun ! OH, by the way, please tell him that you feel abandoned by him and will have to look for fun elsewere. He will not like this, He wants to have his safe place to stone out. Don't let him smoke pot, esspesially because it will have a bad effect on the kids. Stand up, get to church, (or other) and demand what you want.

Answer 7

My father told me a long time ago to never let anyone EVER mistake kindness as weakness.

He needs to get it through his head that you are doing everything around the house and with the kids, by yourself, because it needs to get done. Tell him that if he has any desire to being a decent father or husband that he needs to get his priorities straight and act like a man. He may think that its all fun and games but he's making himself look like a worthless dumb *** to everyone in that house and everyone around him, they just aren't saying it. Tell him that you love him and you've heard him say before that he knows he needs to step up, but that talk is cheap and talk isn't going to take care of the kids or the house and frankly you really don't even want to hear again that "he's gonna", you don't need that kinda of agenda, just DO IT.

Answer 8

no, i wouldn't jsut let it go - at one time i was the laid back wife like you also, but became extremely burnt out & bitter. you have some serious soul-searching to do. do you really want to wake up 20 years from now & still be with this man who obviously does not respect you or your marriage? i left my husband after 21 years - it was hard to do & a hard decision, but i have never looked back. i only wish now that i had done it sooner, but it's never too late to find a piece of happiness. i have met so many quality men since my split - you deserve so much more than you are getting.

Answer 9

I was something like you with my ex. Felt very unhappy and often angry with him and myself. Was afraid of divorce. Then, one day came and it was so clearly in my mind that life is way too short to be unhappy and angry. Also I realized that it can't be wost if I divorce, it is going to be only better! Well, must say we didn't have any children.
The day I divorced my ex was the happy day. I didn't hold anymore bad feelings against him. We divorced almost like friends.
Right now I had no regrets about it and never going to.
Time was hard and painful, but I found my happiness.

I know, it's your life and I do not try to advise you to divorce him, just share my story.
I found out that staying in the marriage or leaving it, you have to find the way to be happy inside of yourself. Otherwise nothing will help.

Answer 10

You are being taken advantage of royally. If he isn't listening to you when you talk to him, then make him listen. Stop doing HIS laundry, making HIM a plate, etc.

You can stop little things also to see if he notices. Like leaving clean clothes in the basket, or when he hunts for his socks "oh where could they be". You get my point.

Let him see what all that you do around there. Accidentally forget to pay a bill, like the phone or something.

Get a friend to watch the kids and you go out.

Hope this helps. That is my advice....just make him open his eyes.