Is there any hope of saving my marriage?

Question

My husband and I dated for 6 years and lived together 5 of those years before we got married. We have only been married 8 months and things have already started going downhill. We rarely make love and he only pop kisses me twice a day: once before work, once before bed. In fact, the last time we french kissed was 2 years ago. I used to try to come on to him but he is always too tired because he works a lot. Since I've been feeling so lonely and vulnerable I started talking to this other man who is also married. It's weird because our last names are similair, his fav # is my birthdate, and we got married a week apart. I know these things don't necessarily mean anything but we just have so much in common. We both care a lot about each other but don't want to hurt who we're with. I honestly think I'm falling in love with him but he has not said he loves me. Is it even possible considering we've never met. We have plans to meet this summer but I'm not sure what to do.

I didn't go looking for anyone...he just happened to instant message me on a day that I was feeling depressed about everything. We both never intended on anything evolving from it. I have never cheated on him the entire 6 years though and feel horrible even talking to this man on the internet and phone. We have no kids together because I'm only 23 and he's 28 and thought we should wait. I know I most likely married too young but I thought since we had been together so long it would be ok. I started looking up marriage counselors and called a few. I want to tell him about this other man also so we can still have an honest relationship with each other.

Answer 1

You are married.

You may be going through a low spot but that is the kind of thing that you can work on.

You didn't mention infidelity, domestic violence, drugs or alcohol, gambling, or any major obstacles to reconciliation.

Right now your husband is failing to fulfill your emotional needs. For the last 6 years he has been there for you. Your problem is common among women with hard working husbands. I know it is not easy but looking for comfort from anther man is the wrong thing to do.

I am sure you have heard people describe their infidelities as " it just happened", this is how it happens. You are emotionally vulnerable. You have needs that are not being met. You are looking for something to make you feel better and the attentions of a suitor you have not met seems safe. Your suitor is giving you the emotional support he should be giving his wife. Your knight in shining armor has some rust issues.

Your husband is taking you for granted. He knows that you are there for him so he stopped trying as hard. This is because he trusts you. He feels safe putting in more time at work because he knows you will be waiting at home for him. He sees overtime as a way to secure a better future for the two of you. He's building a future at the cost of the right now.

Tell him how you feel and get counseling. I have been there and it works. Your problem is an easy one to overcome.

Betraying him with another man is very difficult to overcome.

Answer 2

Before you can even think about falling in love with him or even dating this guy, you need to end the relationship with the man that you are with now. Whats the point of letting someone believe that you love him, when you are off on your own with another man. Sure, his heart will be broken, yes he will be very sad, but hey, that's life. You talk about all the qualities that you and this other guy have, what about the 6 years with your man? I'm not trying to be rude or have been burned and am taking it out on ya, I'm just saying do the right thing and end the relationship you are in now. You shouldn't be thinking about falling mad in love with someone else when you are married. You are using the marriage as a safeguard or fallback until you find someone new to replace him. He may have given you all the reasons in the world to be unhappy, and obviously you aren't, so tell him the truth. Tell him everything you have told us. Honesty and communication are the keys to any happy relationships.

Answer 3

You sound like my ex-wife and no, that's not a good thing.

Is there hope? Sure there is. The question is, are you willing to do your part?

Your first part is to treat this other man (OM) like he has the plague, AIDS whatever. Sure, he seems like a great guy no, just like I'm sure your husband did when you dated. But you don't have to live with him.

As you have now discovered, being boyfriend and girlfriend is a heck of a lot different from being being married.

As I read your story/question again, you are engaged in a fantasy. You say it yourself, you have never met this guy. So you are "in love" (and that's not really true, that's why it's in quotes) with a fantasy.

So your first hope comes from cutting ties with the fantasy man.

Second, examine your life to find out what has changed. Why is your husband working so hard? Is he stressed at work? Did you take on a lot of debt, buying stuff once you married? Are you in debt from the wedding/honeymoon, etc? Once you've figured out what has changed, then move on to the next step.

What can I do about it?

If it's debt, then make a plan and work TOGETHER to solve it. If it's a new job and stress, then be supportive, yet ask for time to be set aside to be husband and wife.

Perhaps you can plan weekend get aways, etc. Visit B&B's, wineries, etc.

You have to be careful how you approach this. First, here is the wrong way:

How come we never....

or

You are always....

Why is this wrong? Two reasons, one it doesn't share how you feel, it's a judgment, not a feeling. Second, it puts all the blame on him.

How to approach it?

Be positive and ask for what you want.

Example: Honey, remember the time we went to that cabin for the weekend, I'd like to do that more often, can we schedule a weekend in the next 4 weeks to do that again?

Basically start asking or suggesting things you did before you married that you enjoyed doing together.

Or make some new suggestions.

If you are feeling disconnected, he is probably too, but doesn't know what to do about it.

So, since is this problem is shared by both of you, both of you ultimately need to find solutions.

Don't wait for him to propose solutions, get in there and make specific suggestions. Don't nag, as in my first examples, but make positive suggestions instead.

There is as much hope as you are willing to carry into the relationship, but you have to be focused on him and him alone. Send the fantasy man to the Recycling Bin. Give him the information I'm giving you, tell him to do this with his wife and to never contact you again, ever.

Answer 4

First of all, if you haven't french kissed for two years, why did you marry him 8 months ago? If you were having problems then, what on Earth gave you the idea that getting married was the right thing to do?

Second. You are married. Bad or not, you made a commitment, you VOLUNTARILY made a commitment to your husband. Spending any amount of time with this other man, who by the way is also married, is cheating.

You are not a little girl, it's time to grow up and take responsibility for yourself. It's time to understand the meaning of words like character, commitment, honor, self respect, integrity, righteousness and commitment. If you made a mistake in getting married then own up to it and correct it and don't, for God's sake, have an affair with a married man! How could you even look in the mirror if you did that?

Or try it this way...

If your daughter came to you with your story, what advice would you give her?

Answer 5

There's no hope if your already in the market for someone else. There is if you truly want it though. You need to remember why you love your husband. You need to remember the vows you promised to one another. As far as him being tired, no frenching, and such......being married has nothing to do with that if you were together already for six years. My suggestion, STOP the on line chat!! Change your email, and no matter how much you might want to give it to him, DONT... END IT NOW! Before someone gets really hurt! You need to discuss the feelings of loneliness your having with your husband. Tell him you can't help it you feel neglected and sad. We women all know they can't read our minds otherwise they'd be way better at this stuff. Go buy a sexy costume, put on something nice, have dinner waiting, and then give him a strip tease and then dessert. Help him remember the Lil' freak he married, and believe me things will turn around. The most important thing is open honesty, discussing feelings, and then both working together to try to fix them. I married young with a bunch of nay sayers, but 18 years strong, speaks for my source. I wish you luck!

Answer 6

If you feel you want to involve yourself with a married man who cheats on his wife then go ahead. In the end you both will have another thing in commom and that is spelled "DIVORCED". I feel you should try and work out the problems you are having with your husband. Your problem is commom amoung married couples and is no reason for having an affair. This is why couples who live together before marriage usually do not work out. By first living together shows lack of committment, which in your case proves this theory. Get committed to your marriage and work at working it out. I think this would be more worth your time than any married man who is just out to play on the side anyway. Best of luck to you!

Answer 7

I say leave this new guy alone and work on your marriage before it completely falls apart.

Set aside a specific time to grab your hubby and make him sit down and talk with you. Tell him how you feel his is not paying you any attention, and you need that from him. Tell him how you like to make him feel good as well. Let him know you love him to death, and you want the marriage to work, but you can't do it all on your own. You need his help and communication would be nice too.

You may even want to tell him that there are guys out there who have been trying to get your attention, and you've been avoiding it because you love him and want your marriage to him to work.

Hope this helped, and hope all goes well for you both!

Answer 8

Your first mistake is NOT talking to your husband about it and assuming his feelings. Maybe he is tired, and he works alot, for his family, presumably, and that is a fault? Maybe he is cheating on you. You are filling the void you feel with this other dude's disingenuous flirtations. Do you really care about his favorite number? Please...since when is that remotely important. He's making it so you have alot in common, or you're pushing the square peg through the round hole, forcing you to have something in common, to help fill the void. Just start walking around the house naked. if you're husband cannot respond to that, at all, get counseling. 8 months? You need to throw in a little morethan that before diddling around.

Answer 9

Your first mistake was to start looking outside the marriage for attention and affection. Men and women have an obligation to give eachother attention and affection after they are married. Your husband is slacking in this department, but you are wrong for looking elsewere. I certainly hope there are no children involved yet. Even if there aren't I recommend Dr. Laura's book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands"-even if you think HE is the problem and not you. Sometimes when we change the way we as women approach our husbands we automatically change the way they approach us or respond to us. We have that power as women and the trick is learning how to use it. Get the book, try her tips and give your lovelife a chance to flicker back to life-marriage takes work and sometimes people think it should just work itself out. That simply is not the case-the ball is in YOUR court! Learn how to get the attention and affection you crave from your husband.

Answer 10

The loss of steam and the failure of your marriage is defiantly your fault you think that you can talk with this other man and have your marriage be OK. A marriage WILL fail if one of the parties is selfish this sounds like one of those occasions. When was the last time you thought of HIS needs? When I was reading your predicament the first thing that came to mind was "He's having an affair" that would explain about the lack of love. But it is you that has brought this upon yourself. If you don't love him then get a divorce but for God's sake don't break up this other marriage also, stop talking to him it is wrong! Now if you really want to "save" your marriage then be selfless try to cater to his wishes men love that and if you love him you will love making HIM feel special. I know that women can feel inadequate and unappreciated every now and then but try to see how he feels and your marriage will be Paradise.