How long should I give marriage counseling before I give up?

Question

My wife had an affair 2 years ago, and we have never fully healed as a couple. We have 3 kids, and have been in marriage counseling now for the last 2 months. I don't see the counseling helping us yet, and I am becoming more miserable everyday. I don't want to leave my kids, but I won't be much good as a father if I lose myself emotionally because of the marriage. I feel the love is gone from our relationship and soon we won't even be friends either. Should I get out while we can still (hopefully) be friendly after a divorce, or do I stay and give counseling more time? If I stay - how long should we be in counseling?

Answer 1

It depends on your ultimate goal. If your goal is to save your marriage and that's truly what you want, give counseling a good long go. If your goal is to ultimately end it, you are just killing time in couseling, waiting for the end. Frankly, it sounds like your goal is the latter. You want out, so I suggest you start making plans for that. Fixing your marriage is up to you, not counseling. Counseling can't help fix what you don't want to fix.

Answer 2

give counselling a good bit more time! At least 6 months, you both need to be open adn honest. Explain to the counseller that you dont feel your getting anything, adn tell them what you want to get out of it.
Or are you set already in giving up.
Marriage is a job in itself, you need to continually work at it to keep it going, its not just a relationship you can leave, its a bond of two people and since you have 3 kids, thats a bigger number to just give upon.

Keep going, find some faith, try your best. and Find forgiveness in your heart.

Answer 3

An affair would probably be one of the hardest things to get over in a marriage. I give you props for staying in it because now days people flee a marriage faster then anything I have seen. I would stick with it. Keep going to counseling and work on things. Forgiving and trusting takes time. Remember when you made the commitment it was for better or for worse. and try to stay positive.

Answer 4

I grew up thinking marriage meant forever, and I still think that. But sometimes it really does not work. What you have to consider is the kids.

My Aunt and Uncle stopped getting along a while back. They are now separated, but they have 5 children together. My Aunt has never really worked and can not support her children by herself, and my uncle is a lazy layabout and no matter how much child support the courts demand him to pay, he'll never be able to afford taking care of two households.

So they compromised. They still live in the same house, but in different rooms. He live downstairs and she lives upstairs. the house is such that they never have to interact with one another. They never actually got divorced but they live independently apart from one another. The kids still see both their parents and when we have big get togethers they actually show up together.

What am I trying to say?

Separate if you feel you must, but give it more time before you divorce. You may find you miss each other, or you may find that it won't work. If you can make it work, stay close to your kids, even live in the same house if you can. Or, Pull a Reba and live next door.

The thing is, don't just give up on family. separate yourself emotionally from your wife if you must, but not from family because in the end, family is all we have, no matter how messed up it becomes.

Answer 5

By the tone of your question it sounds as though you have already given up.
If that is the case than quit with the counseling, all you're doing is spending money just because that's what people do. Things aren't working, go to counseling.
If the two of you are truly invested in making this work than stick with it and WORK on it.
Just keep in mind the ones who truly stand to lose are the kids.

Answer 6

I have never been to marriage counseling but I have have been married for 11 years now. Do you remember when you first knew that your wife was "the one"? You need to focus on those feelings and try to recreate them. Yes she cheated on you, but why? What has she told you about it? You both have to communicate with each other to be able to find what you are both missing in the relationship. Have you truley forgiven your wife? That is a great priority--if you were to lose her in a accident today would that sit heavy on your mind that you did not forgive her?? I am christian and beleive that you both took vows before God to love and honor each other till death. Just because she fell short of those vows does not mean you should give up. Forgive her and love her still. God gave you these great kids and what would both of you be showing your kids by not forgiving each other? Try a christian marriage conselor and seek spiritual guidance at church.

Answer 7

I can understand how tough a decision like this would be for you. If you feel the counsellor is not helping you, find one that will. You need to find one that is appropriate for you and your wife's situation. If after this you still feel the love is gone and you see no hope for reconciliation, then you do have important decisions to make. Whenever a spouse is betrayed by the other spouse by cheating the damage and pain it causes sometimes can be irreversible. If this is the case with you, then it would be best for you to move on. Work out issues and do what is best for your children when making your decision in how to end the marriage. What ever you decide, I wish the best for you!

Answer 8

Jaz, how about give it one more month and if your feelings still the same,then you did all the right move. It doesn't matter if the affair was 2 years,or this year,you have been on this roller coaster life with her. As a good father,you've stick all that you have for the sake of your kids, and you put aside your needs because of them. Life is to short and all of us do face some kind of problems,and it's up to us whether to face it or not, but it seems that you are doing it alone.
I know how you feel because my husband did the same to me and my 3 teenagers before x-mas,after 22 long years,he betrayed us and never even thought of the circumstances that he might be facing if his adulteries comes out. Yes the councelor do help to others but not to us. Someone has to wear our shoes to feel and see the pain that we have. Be strong for your kids and do talk to your wife and tell her whats going on and how its not helping you, that way she will know that you have move backward just to make the relationship work.......good luckand if you want to talk,let me know!!

Answer 9

First, talk to the counselor and discuss how you feel - "This is not helping." Second, you have to ask yourself (if you haven't already) if you can forgive her or not. If you can't then you should leave her or spend sometime by yourself to heal and figure everything out. Most importantly you will have to think about your kids because it will effect them for the rest of their lives. However, if you can, then let it go and stop putting unnecessary burdens in your life. Make sure each day you give your 100% and if things still go sour then gave it your best. Lastly, remember you have one life to live so live it surrounded by happiness, joy, and true love.

Answer 10

We've been in since June, when we see improvement, I'll let ya know! I know it's not a miracle fix, but we need better strategies to communicate. Meanwhile, we spent two sessions talking about our childhoods. I understand that they formed who we are now but we need strategies NOW!!! It seems like we're either completely getting along or completely arguing. I'm tired of the arguing and hope things get better soon. I hope you see some improvement...maybe around 6 months of hard work you'll see some real results?