20 years ago my wife had two affairs one of my sons is not mine?

Question

Been married 30 years my wife just confessed i thought everything in our marriage was great what to do

Answer 1

I assume you were having sex with her (at least a few times) during this time, because otherwise you surely would have said, “How in the h*ll did you end up pregnant”. Therefore, you can’t know FOR SURE if he’s your child or not without a dna test. If you request a dna test from him (and you in no way implied that you would do that, but if you do…) then you’re a jerk. You raised him, you loved…he’s your son rather he shares your dna or not.

But I agree with Wise Guy…why on earth, after all this time, did she feel the need to confess? Most women, even if the guilt is eating them alive, would not confess something like this to their husband after 20 years (although, they might confess it to someone else, such as their pastor, just to finally get it off their chest). Why wouldn’t a woman confess it? Because it could potentially hurt their child a *great deal*. Women normally protect their children at all costs.

I’m not really sure what your question is, but I assume it’s should you stay with her? No one can tell you that. But it was *two decades ago*. If it were me, and the last 20 years had been good and I loved her, I would forgive it (although, admittedly, it's easier said than done). That’s just me though.

Answer 2

This must come as a great shock as you thought that everything was great in your marriage. There are a few questions you need to ask yourself:

Do you love your wife enough to forgive her for what she's done? If you love your wife unconditionally and wish to be the father of a child who is not yours - talk through this with your wife - tell her that you are glad to know the truth - ask her to be open about any other infidelities - things are in the open now - may as well let it all flood out.

Does your wife regret having those two affairs and is telling you so that you can forgive her? If yes, she may be worth your love. If no - what does she think you are??? Why did she do that to you? You need to ask her those questions.

Anger, annoyance, feelings of betrayal and all that will settle in - DO NOT HARM YOURSELF.

Watch out for yourself first - look after your real son. If worst comes to worst - divorce your wife - live with your son and try to forget about her. If she did it before - she is more likely to do it again. NO ONE DESERVES TO BE CHEATED ON.

NO ONE - AND THAT INCLUDES YOU.

Hope things turn out for the best. Remember - in every gray cloud there is a silver lining.

Answer 3

do the right thing, take the high road on this, isn't the boys fault, you've been the dad that was there through sickness, problems, birth, and everything. your still his dad. a dad is the one who was there, supporting loving caring he may have a sperm doner that was involved, but the real dad, was the man who was there for the kid. ignore it, move past it, 20 years has passed, it hardly matters in the least. don't allow your pride or your ego to cause u to do or say anything that will destroy your relationship with this boy. fine time now for your wife to want to cleanse her soul. your a bigger man that the circumstances u have. u can make it ugly, but u can also just ignore it, and keep the relationship just the way its always been. takes a bigger man to forgive than to hold onto the hurt. things happen in our lives, if the other man were meant to be the dad he would have been. your wife should carry this secret to her grave.

Answer 4

If everything has been fine for the past 20 years, I don't see a reason to change things now. I'm sure you are hurt, devastated, and heart broken, but that son is yours in heart and mind, and that's what really matters. It will be hard, but you can forgive her and I'm sure you can get past this. You may be feeling your marriage has been a lie all these years, and while I'm not down playing the situation, I really believe you need to work through it and stay with this woman you obviously love, and she loves you; otherwise, you wouldn't have made it this far.

Answer 5

That is painful.

How have the last 20 years been?

How are the boys? Do they know? How have they reacted?

These are things you have to consider to determine 'what to do'.

Will walking away make you happier? Your pride is hurt and worse, your trust has been shattered.

But do you still LOVE your wife? Ultimately if love still remains, I would say stay but give yourself time to heal and to think. This may mean taking a week off from the matrimonial home.

Hopefully, that week will give you the right perspective.

If you need more than a week, take it.

Whatever your decision remember the boys are not children and your peace of mind is critical.

Answer 6

For some reason your wife felt she needed to come clean with this. Let her. If nothing appears wrong in your marriage after 30 years let it go. Try and get past it 30 years is a long time. It is going to be a bit freaky for your son after all this time and that could be a sticky situation.

Answer 7

I know this must be difficult for you, but 30 years just does not grow on trees. Where were you in you marriage during this time? Although infidelity is not acceptable it is forgivable and for 30years of a great marriage I'm pretty sure you having done alot of that. You have to look at it, like this she didn't have to tell you ever, and look at how difficult it was to bear this burden for 20 years. What to do .. Embrace it, this is a new level for you and your wife don't give up . get counseling if needed but remember it's for better or worst, those were your vows...

Hope this helps!!

Answer 8

It was incredibly selfish of her to reveal this to you after all this time. I am normally for honesty, but be truthful - life would have been better had you never found out.

It was selfish because she told you to alleviate her own guilt. No benefit was served except to her. Now she expects you to just shrug your shoulders and be OK with it?

She has revealed that the last 20 years have been a lie. She has probably permanently damaged your relationship with your son.

I am probably not telling you anything you didn't already know. I am really sorry pal. I wish I could help you. I don't know how you could get through this......

Answer 9

The guilt probably just got the best of her and she couldn't take it anymore. I would guess she's been pretty miserable and ate up with guilt most of your marriage. Well, of course you love both sons the same. You wouldn't dare change that I'm sure. Have you decided to tell the kids? That would be the hardest part. As far as she goes, it's up to you to forgive and forget or leave. No one can tell you what to do. Follow your heart. If you love her and want to stay with her, forgive and forget. If you can't deal with this, then leave her. But, I'd suggest you go to counseling together and talk it out.