Kinda lost...?

Question

Here's the thing...I've been married for 10 yrs and we have three small children that I love unconditionaly and love to be around them all the time. My wife has what may be Lupus and she was recently tentively diagnosed as being bipolar. She has an uncontrolable spending problem which she has hidden and excused for years. I know I could have taken a more active role in our finances but hindsight is 20/20 and now I know I should have. I have a good paying job, but she has wrecked us financially and destroyed our credit as well. We owe so much to so many that it's even hard to buy food and things that the kids want and need. I don't say it but I have a lot of animosity towards her now, and she is nasty towards me most of the time as well. She even told me to face the facts and let her and the kids go. Just to move on. But like I said I love my kids and can't find it in myself to not be there everyday for them. Don't know what to do. I don't want to be selfish. Any suggestions?

Answer 1

Hey mate , I understand exactly what you are going through , and the type of pain that this person may be unintentionally giving you, but on the other hand there is no excuse for it by your partner to be doing this , I have been there , the kind of pain a mental disorder gives you , in trying to assist a person who has a disorder , i know the pain in trying to understand the condition, and my advice is mate .. you are not going to succeed at this one , and I say this with experience , I know that the pain that you are under , I understand the pain from the other person not understanding that they arent "her"kids , they are "your"kids , but all this doesnt help you , I understand that there is no solution for you , and additionally that you will never win at trying to understand what is going through her head , and possibly neither will she , you see bipolar people do thrive on attention of the condition , and use it to disregard any input from you , they dont see that you are trying to care , and they dont see how you are trying to save the situation , or even to offer hope in the situation.. not now that is.. and possibly not ever... but...
the kids will , you are basically causght in an avalance , where your emotions are going to be torn from your chest , if they arent decided by yourself now , when she eventually does pull the pin , and make a stupid move , you will pick up the peices , and possibly will be in a situation where you are gutted emotionally , and mentally drained to understand what you need to do.

the only advice I can offer you , is get out take all the stuff you need , if you have money , defend yourself , if you dont wait a few years - it will all change, remember that the kids are yours to , and karma - does exist.. good luck mate - feel for you

Answer 2

I strongly feel that her telling you to face facts and leave her and the kids is because of the guilt she feels.

If you want to stay with her and make it work or at the very least help get through this time for the sake of your children, then I would tell her that you are commited to her, that together you will find a way to get rid of the financial debt and want her to commit to getting better and to getting your family back on track.

You may want to consider a credit counselor. There are a lot of companies out there. Basically they charge a few hundred dollars and what they do is take your debt, and on your behalf, work with the people you owe debt to. Usually they'll get a settlement agreement with the company or get the rate reduced. In turn, they put all of the lowered debt into one monthly payment. You can pay them every month, but I think a better solution is to set up a seperate bank account just for that money. I'm assuming you have direct deposit? Usually you can have your direct deposit divided into more than one account. So have the debt money put into that account straight from your check and automatically paid to the credit counselor.

After a few months, in order to start rebuilding credit, there are prepaid credit cards out there which will get you going. You get the card and put your own money onto it and take from it, almost like a debit card. I think the minimum you can have on it is $500, and then I would start small by putting $80 or $100 per month and use the card solely for gas for the car. Its money that you would use anyways but you're using it to help build your credit.

Its going to be tough, and the financial part may take a year, but you'll get through it. Stay strong for your wife and your children, don't give up on them. Right now, you are the most stable thing in their lives.

Good Luck!

Answer 3

Bipolar is a serios disease. she seems cold hearted though. bipolar changes you sometimes. like your someone else, but not all the time. I would leave her and keep the kids. how can you be so cold for something you had a lot to do with. finances are the hardest things when it comes to marriage. she doesnt seem like she cares much. I would start doing things on your own. take control of all the finances. make sure you are balancing all your current bill and past debts. even if you just pay a little to the biggest owed amounts it starts to get smaller and smaller. Conyinue to love your kids. they are so innocent and dont need to be in the middle of things. If you feel like you cannot work this out what so ever you should have areal sit down talk with her and even if she acts crazy or yells dont walk away. get answers. you only get one life. dont live it so sadly.

Answer 4

You married for better or for worse and I admire you for wanting to stick in, in the worse part.
Your wife needs medical help. If you can find a natural therapist they might be able to help. The one I go to could cure your wife of at least the lupus. Don't just rely on Doctors.
You also need to see a financial adviser and set up a plan to deal with the debt. Most creditors are ok if they know what is going on.
I believe your wife feels awful and is trying to drive you away because she thinks thats what she deserves, and she may but you sound like a man who can and will find a way to get through this and keep the family together. I hope you end up with a loving family, who have worked through their problems together and come out the other end stronger for it.

Answer 5

First, begin by removing her name from all of the accounts...make them Mr. Only accounts and in order to access them, you'll be assigned a password separate from any others. Remove her from the bank account as well. Take over the finances completely. You can't "take" her to the counselor as one answerer suggested (she's not a puppy going to get groomed). You can suggest that she see someone but you can't force that. Did the doctor prescribe medicine for her bipolar diagnosis? The problem with that type of disorder is that often times when someone takes medication, once they begin feeling better, they stop taking it...hence the roller coaster ride. You also have to decide if you truly wish to maintain a relationship with HER or if it's just the children you wish to be around. At a minimum, you would benefit from seeing a counselor yourself. It will give you an unbiased 3rd party to discuss this with. You can also contact the consumer credit counseling agency in your area. They can work with your creditors to reduce or stop further interest and late fees from accruing so you can work on paying off the balances. I realize you aren't the one who did the spending, but as you know, you are still responsible for the joint debt by being married to her. I wish you well and hope that things work out for the best!

Answer 6

If you want to stay, get a separate checking account and cancel all of the credit cards she has, to start with. She may be a bit more receptive to working things out when she doesn't have the ability to spend your money so frivilously.

If you feel that you need to leave, get a good attorney. You can file for divorce, and custody of your children. Even if you do not have your children, you can be available to them every day by telephone or email. Be sure to sit them down and tell them this.

Answer 7

Bring her to see a counsellor to help her with her spending habits. Let her know your financial situation and see if she'll relent and watch her spendings. Meanwhile, it would be prudent for you to keep some cash away from her for emergency now that you've got kids to consider. Meanwhile, keep your cool and give each other some cooling off period before you resume the discussions. Try to work on the marriage. Divorces are painful and expensive, at times.

Answer 8

Firstly, STOP YOUR WIFE SPENDING!!! Give her an allowance and tell her to stick with that... No other credit...

Secondly, start paying off the existing debt...

Thirdly, try to love your wife again, and I know that might be difficult, but at least she isn't violent...

And then seek professional help for the illness and the marital problems...

Answer 9

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Answer 10

You don't need to leave only because she's telling you, if you want to stay for kids, just stay, don't worry about her, sounds like she has bad addiction and can't really take care of herself and kids so it wouldn't be good for them to stay with her....don't give her any credit cards...it's ok for her to have a little bit of cash ,that's all....and you could start paying bills yourself...