I need to know what you guys think of this poem?

Question

Ok so this is the outcome of my last poem a little long but hope you guys will take your time to help want only honest answers be it good or bad cause this is for the people that I have been with and gave my class all of their efforts...

As the last few pages of this chapter unfold
The feeling of sadness takes a hold
Common things once viewed as underrated
Now in our minds are embedded

You taught us that there are more things to be learned
And that life has to be loved
But yet we take for granted
And made you feel unappreciated

Sorry if while with us you may have felt disturbed
About the things you have seen and heard
Back then we viewed life as overrated
And often life was disregarded

But we still have always regretted
That the time we had together was wasted
Complaining over the things that made us feel constipated
And the other times when we debated

But most of all, Thank you for being there when you were needed
One by one, with each step we were guided
When we slipped you made sure that the fall was prevented
And when we rose you made sure that the top was where we were headed

Time passes fast and soon we will all be separated
Headed out in different directions into the unexpected

No longer the house of cards we were when we first started
But instead majestic birds that you molded

There is so much more to be said
And so much more to be learned
Even though time forbid that, we still have succeeded
And your every effort have not been wasted

Your every teaching will in our minds forever be embedded
Your every advice will stay with us and over and over again be heeded
Your every preaching would not be taken for granted
And memories of our time together would always be remembered …

Had to break it into different parts cause it was too long.

This is to some of the comments you guys put erm
To tristan though its long i felt that if i made it shorter i would not be able to express what i totally feel about them
To Faz thanks i will try pluck it out but i wanted to put it in there cause it has a special meaning though it is a wierd word to use in such a poem it was used in so many of the happy and funny incidents when we had together and it was put there as a kind of momento
And to pendleywife it is a thank you to all my teachers and that it waslike a kind of flashback and so i didnt put there like wat u thought i meant I screwed up back then and did you wrong, by life's in the toilet and It's my fault but you tried to tell me different and if you would note the phrase "No longer the house of cards we were when we first started But instead majestic birds that you molded" and " we still have succeeded " you would know that we turned out pretty much more than alrite and that we listened to wat they tried to tell us but ty

Answer 1

First, the premise is a little shakey, is this a poem of personal regret or a thank you to a teacher, mentor, or mom?

Second:
DANG! If you are trying to immortalize and appreciate a teacher, maybe you should tell her thanks for the successes in my life rather than, I screwed up back then and did you wrong, by life's in the toilet and It's my fault but you tried to tell me different.

Third:
It is clear that your emotions, although cloudy, are strong and bold about this subject matter. That in itself should be praise worthy. So don't take my comments as discouragement, just take a step back, let the fog clear and come at the subject matter form a different perspective----in my opinion.

Answer 2

OK but the imagery keeps repeating. Are you trying to write a poem or an epic? In poetry size does not matter.

Answer 3

Its not bad. id get rid of the word constipated cos it has the wrong connotation. When your trying to write a deep and meaningfull poem i think its best to not try and make it rhym. most of the time It makes the poem seem more childish and trivial.

Answer 4

If I could make a suggestion, take paragraph number 1,2,5 and 8. By the way its a good poem. All the best to you

Answer 5

It's pretty good, but if I were you, I wouldn't put anything out there publicly on the internet - anyone could take your poetry and say that it's their own - gaining any profits from it along the way!

Answer 6

Nice, a bit lengthy. Just get rid of the word 'constipated' - it doesn't fit.

Answer 7

too long