I was raised very conservatively, now have difficulty with sex. Help!?

Question

I was raised in a very conservative house. Sex was taboo and I think I was raised to think of it as an ugly act. Now I'm married, but I can't shake these thoughts. My husband is a great guy, but I know he's now getting frustrated by this. Whenever he makes a move, I freeze up! I love him, and want to give him what I know he desperately wants. I have never even touched myself! I'm so unhappy with myself. Any advice? How do I "waken these senses"?

Want to add that we've been married 8 years now and our first time was after getting married. I sometimes wonder why he has bothered to stay with me all this time. We have two kids and do use protection, so not worried about falling pregnant. I don't know why, but I find it SO difficult to get even close to my genitals. I'm really depressed about this, which probably doesn't help much either.

Answer 1

Your situation is so similar to that of my wife's, it's scary. From experience with her, I want say to you that you're not alone out there (knowing this helped me deal with our problems a lot).

Have you spoken to anyone? The fact that you posted this question here, tells me that you probably haven't spoken to anyone close to you, and rather want to keep it a personal secret. But it's good that you're taking steps. If you have a friend that you'd feel comfortable talking to, maybe try to?

I unfortunately don't think there's any easy answer to give you, as you're your own individual. The ideas given by everyone seems good. Based on your background (you're probably religious), I doubt you'd consider adult movies, so I would almost say rather stay away from this. But who knows, maybe later on it's something that excites you!

I know with us it eventually became very awkward when I'd initiate sex - same for you? You need to acknowledge the fact that you'll be awkward with him, and virtually try to "ignore" this awkwardness. It's also critical that you don't have a "NO" attitude. If he initiates, don't immediately think "NO" and don't let it show in your body language. He'll immediately back off again, causing more of a problem.

You really need to discover yourself! But from experience with my wife, I know this would be impossible or very difficult for you, so maybe the ideas of trying it when you know you're completely alone could help. Seeing a sex therapist isn't too bad an idea either. But tell the therapist not to jump into it head-on! I know this freaked out my wife.

I bet you also don't really show interest in your husband's body? Know that it's very important to him that you not only show your romantic attraction to him, but also your physical attraction. It will do wonders for his self-esteem.

Good on you for taking steps to try and fix this problem. It will take a lot of effort, and I sincerely hope you succeed!

Answer 2

Sex is a very important part of a relationship. It is a very intimate way to show your love for another human being. It is not "an ugly act" nor is it dirty. It is special and beautiful. In order for you to get over your disgust for sex, you must realize these things. Don't worry too much about self love (touching yourself). You will be able to do that when you learn the sensuality of sex. The passion. The reaffirmation of love. It is the tangible aspect love. Start by sitting in a room naked with your husband. Just look at each other. Don't be ashamed-it is okay to do this when you are married! Get comfortable with each others' nudity. Then venture to whatever your heart - not your mind! - tells you! Start slowly. Get comfortable with the idea of sensuality and sexiness and making love to your husband. Maybe even try making the first move. That will give you more control over the situation. Make sure you communicate with him. Tell him how you feel and what you would like to do to him physically and what you would like to have done to you. Let your heart be your guide. There is no instant remedy for your feelings toward sex because they did not happen over night. It will take time but if you take baby steps, you will be able to enjoy sex and pleasing your husband and being pleased by him! Good luck!

Answer 3

Try to re-educate yourself. The suggestion of romance novels actually wasnt bad. You also need to read a little non fiction and study the physical aspects of sex, the male and female anatomy and how they are supposed to work together. The more you know the more you comfortable and confident you will be and so the better you will get, I'd mix all these answers, information, counseling, books, movies, porn- yeah that, it might seem bad to some but theres probably not a more graphic display of the various ways to enjoy sex without having to use too much of your imagination, anything for a good cause and see that there are so many levels of enjoyment, pick what you like and get good at it then find a new thrill as you get more comfortable.

Answer 4

Please don't be unhappy about your self. Your a great woman. God put you in this world as a woman. The greatest gift a woman has is that she can bear children. and the act of sexuality is just part of it. They go hand in hand. Your husband is following his instincts as a man. Yes its scary, and it will probably be that way for some time. Your husbands advances are so natural don't be afraid because he truly loves you. Get some books and read a lot about women's sexuality remember that the act is actually an act of love in no way is it ugly! Don't worry and be patient let your husband be your teacher and also talk to some open minded girlfriends that can give you some pointers. Good luck

Answer 5

Slowly. Also I do not know your beleifs and opinions on the use of alcohol, but a couple glasses of wine before bed might help a bit. You really sound like you need to loosen up. Think of what makes you feel most wild and reckless, whether it's a ride at the fair or riding a bike or whatever, and try to do it before going to make love to your b/f. Getting into the spirit may help break the inhibitions. Other things you might try is doing it blindfolded, or in utter darkness, Use mood music, stuff that helps you relax. Also try touching yourself when no-one is around. Don't do all those things at once, just go gradual. See what helps best and work on it. Years of conditioning won't disappear in a few weeks...

Answer 6

Explore your body and get to know it. Never having touched yourself means you do not know exactly what feels good and what does not. You have probably missed 500 orgasms for far.

Take a vacation day and explore yourself all day. When he gets home, meet him in a robe and show him what you learned about yourself (actually do it for him). Once you break the ice and shake the cobwebs, the limits are endless. Spend the entire night trying new things and keep an open line of communication with him. When your tired, go one more time. You have to break out of your shell. You have no idea what your missing and how good it feels. Open the door a crack and he will take over. Loosen up, lie back and start having your orgasms.

Answer 7

You need counseling first for yourself, and then for the sake of your marriage. I was abused sexually as a child by relatives, and when I am in the arms of the man I love, those memories are the last thing on my mind. I know we each handle things differently, and some may be faster to overcome, but by now you should have been open to your husband sexually.I was raised in a strict Christian home, and we never talked about sex. When I was old enough to experience it for myself, WOW! It's the most sacred act that two people can share with one another, and you are missing out by not fully opening yourself up to your husbands love.

Answer 8

Wow well, explore yourself one day when you are alone and see what it is like. Then when you are with your husband, just trust him and he will guide you to pleasing him better and he will let you experience something that you may not have known about foreplay and sex. I have kind of been in your boat. my boyfriend before my hisband forced me into things, I was young and voulnerable. and when it came to my new boyfriend now husband, I wouldn't do anything for him, and he got frustrated alot, and I finally let loose and let him teach me how to do things right for him, and how to be more open minded aobut sex and different things. It is weird at first, but let me tell you...it is totally worth it in the end. But also dont do things that you think are completely outrageous. This sounds silly but I tell my husband, there is only one hole on my body and the sign above it says exit only...haha just set up your boundaries and explore the rest.

Answer 9

Its not your fault you were raised that way. I think its better then being raised to sleep with everyone you meet. I guess you have done things with him right. Maybe you could try to repeat the mood you were in when you did go to bed with him.

Maybe if you drink a little or perhaps theres something a doctor can proscribe I know people can get pills to help them relax in social situations.

I do not drink myself and I love to get frisky. Maybe there is something else that is bothering you. Fear of getting pregnant?

Sorry theres not much else I can say. Good luck. Lets hope others have advice.

Answer 10

Well just remember this:
Everyone! (except nuns) have sex.
If it wasn't so then how are you here, alive today?
EVERYONE was born from sex.
It's a natural thing that is special and to be shared with your husband/wife.
Just try and focus on the good things about sex: how it feels, how you feel while you're in the process, how it feels after, only you can really help yourself by pushing these thoughts out of your mind and enjoying sexual intercourse. It's natural.