Could you please check the grammar in this poem?

Question

Release

Hold tight to my hand through this starless night,
Until the angels soar when dawn has broke.
Putting up with these everlasting fights,
Unknowing, what great war you have invoked.

Trace your footprints back down the path you came.
Hopelessly, you regret their every flaw.
Create a future, now ridden of shame.
Then deny every once forbidden law.

Release the spirits you’ve hidden within.
Fly above with honest angels of light.
Beyond common comprehension of sin,
Slowly discover all you’ve missed in sight.

Cut the chains and begin to break away,
Though memories are to forever stay.

Answer 1

The grammar isn't too bad (other than "broke" instead of "broken") but if you are trying to write a sonnet, you need to pay closer attention to matching the rhymes exactly (not just "assonance" which is when rhymes are close, but not exact) Especially, you need to tighten up the meter, which you have not done here. It has to have consistent rhythm to be really effective. I'm not saying this (below) is exactly what you could do with the poem, it's just my own version of a re-write to show you what you could do. Read it out loud and you'll see what I mean by consistent meter. I kept your basic ideas and just substituted words and syllables that kept the meter. See how it works?

Hold tight my hand throughout this starless night,
Until the angels soar in dawn's array.
Put all our anger, tears and rage to flight,
Abandon war before the risen day.

Then trace your footprints down the path you came
Where, hopelessly, you marked their every flaw.
Create a future, now absolved of shame,
Denying every once-forbidden law.

Release the captive spirits hid within,
To fly above with archangels of light.
Beyond the common pettiness of sin,
Unfolding all you’ve missed in oversight.

Unlock the chains, begin to break away,
Til but the shades of memories shall stay.

Answer 2

"Broke" should be broken, in the first verse. I don't think the comma after "Unknowing" in the last line of the first verse does anything for it.

In the second verse, "ridden" should be rid, but to keep the meter, I suggest "now rid of past shame." "Once forbidden" should be hyphenated.

Okay, that's all I see. Hope I've been of help.

Answer 3

poems can have variations in voice, tense, speaker, form, etc. all of those are artistic decisions that the author has to make. however, within phrases- i.e. sentences....you may want to stick to the same tense, for example liine 2- broken...
also, don't worry about punctuation and capitalization....this poem seems to have very rigid end line puctuation and line caps. you may want to use dashes like Emily Dickinson, or perhaps lowercase some of the dependent clauses that happen to start new lines.
very nice overall though. very deep, sad. :)

Answer 4

There's something called "poetic license." It means you can break grammar rules for the sake of an artistic piece. So, leave the tenses and commas as you like them. You're the author!