Is it really verbal abuse, or am I making this all up in my head?

Question

If I get mad about anything, he gets more mad. If I complain, he turns it on me. If he's mad, he tells me what I did or what I should've done. Just in our new house alone, he's punched and broken a door, a doorframe on a separate occasion, kicked a chair into a wall, threw a screwdriver into a door, broke two fake trees with the cement in the bottom and crushed an ashtray in his hand. He's called me a stupid ***** in the past but hasn't done it in a long time. After hearing his side, I usually feel crazy for whatever I was feeling. I don't apologize because I feel I was wrong, but because I just want the yelling and fighting to stop. He makes rules that he changes and then yells at me for not following the rules. At the same time, he tells me I'm strong and independent and deserve the best treatment. Then, why does he not give me the best treatment? He's in counseling. It's evolving into something else but I don't think it's really getting better, just changing. Any thoughts?

Answer 1

Dear s_s_2000,

I have read both your questions that you posted, and so, I am posting this on both.

You’re asking, “is this verbal abuse?” From both descriptions in both questions, I say it’s more than that:
It’s called Manipulation.

Yes, you are being verbally abused, when he jumps on you for smoking when he smokes as well. In my neighborhood, we’d call him a hypocrite.
But this looks more than deeper that.

You say, “he acts differently when we’re in counseling”. Of course he does, he doesn’t want to be perceived as the one at fault. So he changes into this “nice-guy”, to make the counselor think that he’s right and your wrong: again, manipulation, with possible schizophrenia.

You gave a list of the things that he has destroyed in your new home, while in a fit of anger. Pretty impressive, and thank God, he hasn’t hit you or your daughter.
Yet, from what I’ve learned, from working with an abused womens men’s group (counseling the Abusers/Batterers), the physical violence is going to happen: sooner or later.

“He makes rules that he changes and then yells at me for not following the rules. At the same time, he tells me I'm strong and independent and deserve the best treatment. Then, why does he not give me the best treatment?”
Because he enjoys the manipulating, of you and the situation. He feels as if he has total control, since his manipulation has left you bewildered, scared, guilty and questioning your sanity.

“He makes me feel very guilty for "giving up" whenever I say I can't take it anymore. He talks about what it will do to our daughter if we split up.”
Of course he would say that, because Manipulators do not want to lose their control. But let’s talk about what your relationship is NOW doing to your daughter: she is growing up in a home where abuse (verbal, mental and emotional) is the norm. She will grow to expect yelling, screaming and violence (even against inanimate objects like doors & fake plants) to be “tokens of love”… can you risk that?

My advice to you is GET OUT, NOW! Call the nearest Abused women’s hotline or shelter, grab your daughter and get out. Clothes and possessions can be replaced, but your sanity, even the life of you and your daughter’s cannot be.
But I’m only a retired minister with a Doctor of Divinity, I’m not a psychiatrist/psychologist… it’s still your choice.

Ps: It is the sane people who question whether or not they are going insane, the crazy ones will always claim they’re perfectly sane…

Answer 2

So many have it wrong... Sandra J... how strong of you to be able to explain all that in such detail. Did that just ruin your day? So far, Sandra is the only I've seen that got it right, and so many after her have still said they are the same. They ARE NOT. Verbal abuse, like she said, is obvious. He said: You are a worthless piece of crap, and a waste of air. <<< This is obvious verbal abuse. However, there are people who can have a conversation with you and never say anything that at a glance seems too awfully hurtful. Sometimes that is the hardest part. You start a discussion feeling angry and hurt because of what someone did or said. You end the conversation feeling guilty for how you felt to start. You FEEL worthless, and terrible for the way you felt. The strangest thing is, however, that the abuser never actually said that. They simply manipulate what you say to mean something else, and they actually control the way your mind thinks. That's what makes it so difficult to identify and fight against. It's not until much later when you look back and realize that you have allowed yourself to be taken on a rollercoaster ride of your own thoughts, controlled by someone else. In addition, to admit to being emotionally abused seems that you are giving something up. It feels like you are telling the world that you are weak enough to allow someone to hurt you without ever saying or doing anything to cause direct pain. Then you feel that it's your fault. That is their goal. To make you feel so worthless and so weak that there's nothing you can do to escape their grasp.

Answer 3

I would say yes it is verbal abuse. He just doesn't need counseling he needs anger management. My husband did the same kind of thing and after anger management and counseling it helped. You do not need to be with him. I know that you might love him (not sure) but this will cause you to think that you are wrong all the time and you are not. First there should be no rules especially in a relationship. It is based on communication and shared responsibilities. Get away while you can or take a week off by yourself to get your thoughts processed. Now if he is hitting other things and braking them he might turn on you. That is a sign that he has physical abuse coming. One day he might not hit the wall but you and not to be mean but even kill you. You do not need this. I would also do counseling together so that way you can be upfront with him while a therapist is in the room. Hope that helps. and good luck.

Answer 4

Of course I'm only getting your side of the story but it sounds like a very bad situation. I'm glad at least that he seems to be trying to get help. That kind of violence is not normal, or healthy. I realize that it is only against inanimate objects but it could progress from there. If you have a really good reason to try to make this thing work, like marriage, or children then you should try to stick things out as long as he if pursuing help and things aren't getting any worse. I there are no formal obligations then I don't even no why you would still be there. If there is nothing real keeping you, you should get out of there and maybe tell him that you might see him again when he gets his act together.

Answer 5

Sounds like verbal abuse to me if he is bossing you around and taking control over you that is verbal abuse you do not need to put up with that at all. Him throwing stuff is totally out of line sounds like he has got a temper. You can make the wise decision and tell him hey listen you are not going to have me for long if you are going to act this way and tell I will leave you if this continues. Put your foot down and if things get worse then notify the police because it sounds to me he is unable to control his temper and he may need to talk to someone for some help offer some counseling options to him and if he turns it down tell him it's either getting help talking to a counselor or me walking out of our life have him pick the altimatum.

Answer 6

well partially. it seems as though he can become violent so heads up in case it inches towards physical abues. verbal, not not nessescarly, just over blowing arguments. though its hard to say, since you feels bad about your side of the story later on. but if he IS putting you down emotionally, i'm going for, yes it is verbal abuse
but what do i know, i'm just a kid (well technially), hopefully you figure this out though asap =)

Answer 7

this sounds like a bad situation that you find yourself in. i hope that this guy hasn't hurt you physically. .if he does that then you should definitely get out of there fast! verbal abuse is just as bad as physical abuse, if not worse.. it can make you feel terrible, and as you say, crazy. i wouldn't stand for someone doing that to me, and i would want to get out of there as soon as possible. speaking from experience, counseling doesn't change these types of people.. they might get better for a little while, but in the end they usually revert back to their usual selves... you can't really change people, and unless something totally drastic happens then i don't see change happening here. best of luck.. but take care of yourself... if you're in a bad situation (which you are) then you should do what you need to do to correct it (get out).

Answer 8

I think you should get away from this man before he turns his violent nature on you. He is verbally and emotionally abusive with a tendency towards physical violence. So far he has only damaged things, but it could easily be you next time. Get out as soon as you can.

Answer 9

That is a really tough question. The only thing I can suggest would be for you to go with him to one (or more) of his therapy sessions.

You can just sit there and listen in or you can participate. It will give you both the opportunity to discuss openly and hopefully calmly why either one of you acts the way you do towards each other.

It may help you understand why he is the way he is, and why he does things the way he does.

Of course that would also depends on whether the therapist feels you should be there.

Answer 10

it is mental ,emotional. verbal ,and sooner or later it will become physical abuse. do you want to stick around for the physical part . because it will come. he is a control freak . he treats you like a child and in his mind when you miss behave. he needs to punish you . tell him to get some professional help and if he refuses . i would leave him . you don't deserve this kind of treatment from any one. be good to yourself and value who you are and get away from this jerk .