Is it verbal abuse?

Question

I was smoking in the bedroom right after my husband woke up. He seemed to not have a problem with it. Didn't say anything about it, instead talked about himself. When I started talking about myself, about my work day, he covered his head and didn't respond. After a few seconds of silence, he said he wasn't ignoring me, he just didn't like the cigarette smoke. I said I would smoke in another room and he said "well, it's too late now, the damage is already done." I left the room as he was saying this. He came out and gave me a lengthy explanation of his side of it. I wasn't mad and didn't want to fight, so I just acknowledged his feelings and said I understood where he was coming from. He kept pushing and talking about it and eventually was yelling, blaming and accusing. He asked me how I would've handled it and I said I wouldn't have made the "it's too late now" comment. He got really mad and yelled more. This kind of thing happens daily. Does this sound like verbal abuse?

We are in counseling. He acts very different in counseling. He also never showed he didn't like cig smoke when he wakes up. He smokes when he first wakes up and he smokes when I'm sleeping quite often and I don't complain because when I get mad, he gets more mad and I don't want to deal with that. I frequently act like nothing's wrong because if I complain, he gets mad. I don't think he has a problem with the cig smoke.He usually finds something to be mad at me for whenever I talk about myself. It's a trend. Like I said, it happens daily. I try so hard to listen, understand and not be mean. I still end up feeling terrible whenever I talk to him. He makes me feel very guilty for "giving up" whenever I say I can't take it anymore. He talks about what it will do to our daughter if we split up. He says he's trying this counseling and I think a part of him is sincere, but he doesn't even have control over a larger, meaner part of himself.

Answer 1

Dear s_s_2000,

I have read both your questions that you posted, and so, I am posting this on both.

You’re asking, “is this verbal abuse?” From both descriptions in both questions, I say it’s more than that:
It’s called Manipulation.

Yes, you are being verbally abused, when he jumps on you for smoking when he smokes as well. In my neighborhood, we’d call him a hypocrite.
But this looks more than deeper that.

You say, “he acts differently when we’re in counseling”. Of course he does, he doesn’t want to be perceived as the one at fault. So he changes into this “nice-guy”, to make the counselor think that he’s right and your wrong: again, manipulation, with possible schizophrenia.

You gave a list of the things that he has destroyed in your new home, while in a fit of anger. Pretty impressive, and thank God, he hasn’t hit you or your daughter.
Yet, from what I’ve learned, from working with an abused womens men’s group (counseling the Abusers/Batterers), the physical violence is going to happen: sooner or later.

“He makes rules that he changes and then yells at me for not following the rules. At the same time, he tells me I'm strong and independent and deserve the best treatment. Then, why does he not give me the best treatment?”
Because he enjoys the manipulating, of you and the situation. He feels as if he has total control, since his manipulation has left you bewildered, scared, guilty and questioning your sanity.

“He makes me feel very guilty for "giving up" whenever I say I can't take it anymore. He talks about what it will do to our daughter if we split up.”
Of course he would say that, because Manipulators do not want to lose their control. But let’s talk about what your relationship is NOW doing to your daughter: she is growing up in a home where abuse (verbal, mental and emotional) is the norm. She will grow to expect yelling, screaming and violence (even against inanimate objects like doors & fake plants) to be “tokens of love”… can you risk that?

My advice to you is GET OUT, NOW! Call the nearest Abused women’s hotline or shelter, grab your daughter and get out. Clothes and possessions can be replaced, but your sanity, even the life of you and your daughter’s cannot be.
But I’m only a retired minister with a Doctor of Divinity, I’m not a psychiatrist/psychologist… it’s still your choice.

Ps: It is the sane people who question whether or not they are going insane, the crazy ones will always claim they’re perfectly sane…

Answer 2

I would say it is verbal abuse, but he probably doesn't see it that way. Have you ever considered going to a counselor? You might not even need heavy therapy, but maybe some mediation. It sounds like he's never learned how to "fight fair". That's a process of sticking to the issue, allowing the other person to talk, and coming up with a reasonable solution for both. Maybe the therapist can teach hiim that.

I've dealt with more than one person like this and it can really be tough. These same people can also be very gentle, loving, and supportive.

Does he also have a hard time admitting that he's wrong? If so, that's even more challenging. But, if you tell him it will help you both to go and help you understand his needs as well as him understanding yours, that might help.

God bless you, I will pray for you.

Answer 3

maximum of have it incorrect... Sandra J... how sturdy of you to have the means to describe all that in the process such element. Did that in basic terms smash your day? so a great way, Sandra is the only i've got seen that have been given it genuine, and maximum of after her have nevertheless reported they're an analogous. they do no longer seem to be. Verbal abuse, like she reported, is obtrusive. He reported: you're a valueless piece of crap, and a waste of air. <<< it particularly is obtrusive verbal abuse. whether, there are people who could have a communication with you and under no circumstances say something that at a glance looks too particularly hurtful. on occasion this is the toughest area. you start up a communicate feeling offended and injury because of the fact of what somebody did or reported. you end the communication feeling responsible for the type you felt to start. you sense valueless, and poor for the type you felt. The strangest difficulty is, whether, that the abuser under no circumstances genuinely reported that. they only manage what you assert to advise something else, and that they actually administration the way your concepts thinks. that's what makes it so puzzling to % out and combat against. that is not till lots later once you seem back and understand which you have allowed your self to be taken on a rollercoaster holiday of your guy or woman concepts, controlled by technique of somebody else. to boot, to admit to being emotionally abused looks which you're giving something up. It seems such as you're telling the international which you're vulnerable adequate to permit somebody to wreck you without ever saying or doing something to reason direct discomfort. then you particularly sense that it is your fault. this is their objective. To make you sense so valueless and so vulnerable that there is no longer something you're able to do to flee their carry close.

Answer 4

No, but it does sound like you have a communication problem. Some examples: You are married and you didn't know he doesn't like cigarette smoke. Even after you told him you understood, he still felt the need to explain. You're married and yet you seem surprised that he wakes up cranky. It sounds like you need to listen to each other more.

Answer 5

Well, I hate to admit it, but I am the same with people. If I think what they are doing is wrong, and they act like it is right or they don't care, I get highly annoyed.
For one, you shouldn't be smoking indoors, because its bad for the environment of your home, and the potential of the interior.
And if you're husband doesn't smoke, then more cons for your situation.

Be considerate, smoke outside.

Answer 6

It's only verbal abuse if he is trying to hurt you emotionally. From the way it sounds, he is just being a typical asshole. He is trying to force an apology out of you in order to feel morally superior to you. He is an egomaniac and I'm sorry you accidently married the moron.

Answer 7

I hate how people yell at smokers like it makes them better than everyone else or something.

Answer 8

obcouse just the same with action

Answer 9

yep, and if he doesn't get help it will turn to physical. Be careful.