english hellppp!!.... can you check my essay pleaseee!!?!?!?!?

Question

Celina Ixta
Ann Warren
English 102
6, March 2007
The Secret Lion
By:
Alberto A. Rios

The author of “The Secret Lion” uses symbolism to express the theme of change.
The arroyo is a dry gulch that can fill up with water. The two boys were not allowed to go there. The arroyo is a symbol of change because the boys would come from school (Jr. High) and they would rush to go to the Arroyo. Not knowing that the sewage treatment plant released trash or what ever they would release that day. That was the last day they went to the arroyo. But, to Alberto’s mom it was becoming more suspicious because the boys would come in running wanting to take a shower in the middle of the day. They changed because now Sergio and Alberto would go into the kitchen and ask the mom “Well, what’zin, what’zin those hills over there.”
The grinding ball is a cannon ball used in mining. The grinding ball was significant to them because it represented a really exiting time in their lives. They were really exited… they were playing with it for a while and showing it of. Then they were thinking and they said “ my mother, we knew, was going to say “throw that dirty thing in the, get rid of it. (167).” But instead of taking it home they decided to burry it, they also came up with many secret codes. Later they went to dig it back out, but they learned that it wasn’t there anymore. They were comparing the arroyo to the cannon ball because they were both things they couldn’t tell anyone about. They both realized that one-day the arroyo was gone because it was not the way it was and the same with the cannon ball.
The Gold course was... “Heaven was green, like nothing else in Arizona (169).” In the park they would blow their nails and they would rub them on their chest so they would get shine. Alberto had a lot of fun because he would lay on the grass and get his coke from a hole he found. Sergio and Alberto were having a great time until two men came up to them and yelled at them, Especially to Alberto because they wanted Alberto to take his coke out of the hole. There whole thought of heaven changed specially Alberto because he realized that the “hole” he was putting his coke in was really for a ball to go in when you are playing golf.
The Secret lion is suppose to be something within you for example frustration. When Alberto was in Junior high school there were “teachers now, not just one teacher, teach-erz, and they felt personally abandoned.” There was big change when he was in Elementary school, where someone would actually paying attention to you. Yet when he went to Junior high school everything was “backward-like.” If you went up to the teacher and said the word to try and find out what it meant you got in trouble.” After Alberto and Sergio would finish with their day they would then go to the arroyo and yell their frustration out and yell every bad word imaginable. To finally explain the lion is by describing a lion that roars when they are hungry roars when they are frustrated. Therefore we can compare the lion for when the boys were frustrated and yelling.
The Arroyo, grinding ball, golf course and the secret lion were significant symbols of change. The secret lion expressed frustration within; The Arroyo was taken away from them because they realized that sewage would be dumped there. The Gold course was taken away from them because they would relax there and pretend they were rich people. They soon realized that their heaven was really a golf course.

Answer 1

You have written a good essay that is tarnish by poor sentence structure. Line 4: "The two boys would come from school and they would rush to go to the Arroyo." Change that sentence to read : "The two boys would come from school and rush to the Arroyo."
When do you have to submit this essay? I don't have time today to make corrections for you. However, I could work on it for tomorrow, if that's ok.

Answer 2

It's an okay start, but you're going to need some work. What grade are you in? I'm a senior in high school, so I don't know what your teacher expects of you.

First of all, you need a clear introduction. The sentence you have now is a mere statement of fact and offers nothing to your paper, It needs a clear focus and your essay has to follow your thesis and everything must relate back to it.

Also, your paragraphs need topic sentences; again, they have the same problem as your thesis. They also need a clear focus; don't let ideas from your paragraphs overlap and bleed in to other paragraphs. A strong topic sentence with details to support it will do wonders for your clarity.

Another major thing is your spelling- go over it very carefully. I found several errors in spelling and possible omitted words.

Stay consistent with your tenses- if you start with the present tense, stay in the present tense.

Don't mean to be overly critical, just trying to offer some advice.

Good Luck!

Answer 3

run-on sentences, boring.
You need some improvement on grammer, spelling, and more interesting contents

good luck kid

Answer 4

Goog job you did great

Answer 5

yep, that is an essay, all right.
Did you have any particular concerns?