Sometimes I think the whole world has gone crazy, but then again maybe it's just me. Everyone wishes for the perfect life. Some people get it, I'm not one of those people. I was sitting on a plane as it soared over the glistening water of the vast Atlantic. London, England is where I was headed. To live with my dad whom I had visited every summer since I was four years old. I'd been to London every summer for thirteen years. I love London, I truly do, but it just isn't the place for me. I don't feel like I will ever get my perfect life, or my happily ever after there. The busy streets, the brain-racketting noises, they're great. Except you get used to them, maybe even too used to them. I really didn't know what to expect in London though I had been there for a month, every year, for thirteen years. Even though it seemed like I had it all worked out in my mind, London was so different from Phoenix.
2007-03-06 12:42:15 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
I knew from the day that I had made my decision to move from my favorite place in the world, that I would miss a lot in Phoenix.I h ad grew attached to Phoenix. The blistering heat, the sandy beaches and swimming in the beautiful ocean. I had bid my farewell to the sun, my friends, and most of my wardrobe. In London, there are seasons. There are seasons in Phoenix too, except the weather doesn't take a different direction when they changed. In England the weather would be cold in winter. More than cold, some days would be below freezing. Thirteen years of hot, sunny days three-hundred and sixty days of the year. Just gone. Of course there would be summer.....once a year.
Suddenly, all the lights flickered off. I looked out the window. I couldn't see a thing, the sky was jet-black. Apparently it was nighttime. As I looked out the window and into darkness, I realized I was tired. I retrieved the blanket from the seat pouch in front of me and threw it over myself.
2007-03-06 12:46:22 · update #1
The language is circular and inefficient. You say the same thing several times. It is not necessary to stress the "thirteen years" bit that often.
"London, England is where I was headed." This passive voice comes across as tepid and moves the subject of the sentence to the back, which is weak. Better to say: "I was bound for London, England." Notice that's also fewer words.
Try not to use so many adjectives: perfect, great, different, happily ever after. These words are brief substitutes for complex thoughts which underlie your writing. Be specific and rely primarily on nouns and verbs in your writing. Modifiers like adjective and adverbs will always come up a little bit, but you shouldn't rely on them too heavily.
2007-03-06 13:00:49 · answer #1 · answered by nbsandiego 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Inconsistent use of adjectives, i.e. over descriptive in some places and not enough in others. This stops it from flowing properly. Also the fragmented style can work well but you need to tighten it up to bring it together. You could rearrange some sentences, juggle the words around to see if they would sound better written differently.
I can see the idea of the perfect life is your hook, but its not strong enough, give an extra clue as to what the perfect life involves to tempt the reader to read on. You should take out the line 'I'm not one of those people' its too blunt and on the nose, it gives away too much too soon.
On a good note the story is solid and has the potential to be a great opener to an intriguing narrative. 7/10 (5/5 story 2/5 gramma and style).
2007-03-06 13:00:50 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wow,
that took my breath away! That is an amazing start to a story. I think you have the chance to become an author when you are older. Keep working hard, mabye send this to a publishing company. You have a chance!!!!!!! I would rate this a 10+. You are an amazing writer! When you write more, post the rest. Thanks.
2007-03-06 16:00:42 · answer #3 · answered by ♥ <3 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
this writeup is simply great. i mean, u're a fine writer if u can exhibit utmost patience and control of ur talent.this is a wonderful piece of narration and on a scale of 1 - 10, i will rate it as 7.5. I must confess that its nice.
2007-03-07 01:10:37 · answer #4 · answered by lilies 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Too much redundancy.....proof your work a little better, and really LOOK at what you have written...and do it more than once, giving yourself a break inbetween. I'd give you a 4.
Good luck
2007-03-06 12:51:20 · answer #5 · answered by rrrevils 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
it seems a bit choppy, try the "show and not tell" idea my teacher always told me. other than that, i think that story is really neat. nice job!! ;-)
2007-03-06 12:50:57 · answer #6 · answered by Crazy sweetheart 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋