What do people think I am bad, or heartless, just because I don't want children?

Question

I am married and I have 2 kids, but I would have been perfectly happy just living out my life, growing old with my bride at my side.

I have no need emotionaly, to perpetuate my line and I see nothing wrong with that choice or point of view. But whenever I voice that opinion, people especially parents, make comments or have attitudes that are meant to make me feel defective because I don't want children. I love my kids and I care for them deeply, but if they never existed I would be just as fine and complete as I am now if not more so. Is it really so wrong for me to feel this way, or do people just need to live or let live and cut me some freakin' slack?

Tell Matticus, he WANTS to KNOW.

Answer 1

I think it's fine not to have any if you don't want to esp in these times we live in. It's a personal decision. What should bother us more is the people that have them that never should have and then neglect or mistreat them. However, anytime someone steps out of the norm somebody will have something to say about it. I wouldn't think you're bad or heartless unless you didn't love & take care of the children you have.

Answer 2

Nothing is wrong with not wanting children. My only thought is you have discussed this fact to the general public. By having the 2 children & stating that you would be content without their existance ... leaves people like me with a question. Did you voice your thoughts on children before you married? If so, I hope your children never hear you've made such a comment. It could leave them with the feeling that they were unplanned, an accident or what ever. It will hurt their feelings in some form, sooner or later. I think that these opinions should be kept in you head & not speak out loud about them,especially in public. Marie

Answer 3

If you were happy not having children then why did you have them?. Now that you do I wouldn't say that if I were you especially around your kids, you don't want them to feel unloved or not wanted. It is ok for people not to have kids there are many out there who are happy living with a partner and not having kids of their own. I'm not to sure what youmean when you said id they didn't exist you would be o.k with that. so does that mean if they die you would be o.k with that??? that's what I want to know.

I think you should have though about that before you had kids. I think you should just forget about how you felt before and forcus on your children and not the fact that you would be happy if they wern't here. I'm not picking on you or anything, you asked the Q and I'm answering as honestly as I can.

Answer 4

What is important is that you love your kids deeply. My mom was the same way. She could barely tolerate kids except her own. Now her grandchildren and her great-granchildren. She can't take too much of the great-grandchildren any great length of time though. I think that is mostly due to her age. There was only my brother and I. Mom was a good mother to both of us. We have no complaints. At least you know you don't want any more kids and you're honest about it. There is nothing wrong with that. What IS wrong, is when people feel guilty for who and what they are. And, try to cover it up by having unwanted children. More power to you dad. I think it's great when a person knows themselves as well as you do.

Answer 5

People judge you for several reasons: 1) they may think you are saying you could have lived without your kids, so they suspect you have regrets about having them, 2) people judge anyone who doesn't want kids because it makes them think, and 3) most Christians and other religions think it's their destiny to populate the earth followers. It's probably 90%choice 2. Many people make their kids their entire purpose in life either because they don't know what else to do or were too scared to pursue what they'd really want. I think it's important to be whole within yourself before finding a mate and having kids. Also women may respond differently. As a woman, I know that biologically, I have felt I needed to have a child. Maybe men don't have such an intimate connection to the whole process. Anyway, I don't think there's anything heartless about how you feel.

Answer 6

I think that more people should NOT have kids. I do not see anything wrong with your opinion and I am a mother. I have thought about life without my daughter, and I would have traveled alot more. Which would have been nice, but I much prefer having her.
As long as you love your children and raise them well, then feel how you want and who cares what anyone else thinks.
Good luck.

Answer 7

Well now, this makes no sense. If you didn't want children why do you have 2? If you knew you didn't want children from the beginning you could have gone to a doctor and let him *snip, snip*

No, you and anyone else who doesn't want children aren't heartless. For those who want children, fine for those who don't want children that's fine too.

Children are a LOT of work then they grow up and are MORE work. So for those who don't want kids, doctors are good with the snippers.

Answer 8

You have children, and you love your wife. So.... let it go with your parents, even tell them that you've seen the light - make them feel good. Here's why. They will be gone someday, and you will wish you had done this now, rather than when it's too late. How do I know? My parents are gone and there are a thousand things I wish I could have done for them (thankfully, I always told them I loved them). I lost them both when I was 32..you never know.

Answer 9

... Because most people naturally have a very strong unconditional love and attachment with/to their children. My Mom was very attached to my grandmother, and it was very depressing for both her and I when she passed away. It's also hard for some people to think of you as a good person because they're attached to their children in the way because their partner is not a very good partner (for example, I don't feel my dad is a very good dad or husband), and I don't feel that there is a lot of love between my parents. But I do really love my Mom, and would feel very lost without her. I think she might be lonely without me too probably because she isn't very content with her husband.

You don't have this attachment with your kids probably because you love your wife very much and feel very complete with her and feel as though you need nothing else.

It's not wrong for you to feel that way. Different people have different experiences which leave them to feel different emotions about different things.

Answer 10

There would not have been anything wrong if you never had kids....we have friends that have opted not to have kids and I think it's fine...but what I do have a problem with....is why you don't shut your mouth about feeling that way when you do have kids...they don't need to hear that crap. Based on your insensitivity regarding the two kids that you do have...I would think it might have been better if you hadn't had them. If they don't hear it now...eventually they'll hear of it...it sucks to feel like you were never really wanted. I know.