Advice about a friend. Last answer gets 10 pts?

Question

I have befriended a women at a job who was somewhat of a loner last year even though all my friends said she was very depressed and a self-harmer. However, I gave her company thinking I'd help her better herself. In the process, my friends disconnected themselves from me because they hated this woman. This year, however, I seen much improvement in this woman. She has been more social and has made more friends (the ones in which I had lost due to her.) We used to have nights out together every Tuesday, however, last Tuesday she said she was busy. This Tuesday she said the same thing... I realized this was because she was going out with my old friends and didn't invite me. So I brought it up to her and she invited me. But I declined the invitation because I feel really bad about what she just did. Its like I befriended her despite the shallowness of my friends and she just became one of them and put me in the shadow!

Any advice? Am I wrong here?

Answer 1

maybe she dosent know why your other friends left you and she thought you wouldnt feel okay around them try talking to her about this

Answer 2

You have done absolutely nothing wrong and everything right. You should feel good about yourself for befriending this woman regardless of the shallow warnings of your former friends and knowing that your compassion and friendship has helped her along. To do that takes the wisdom and understanding that if this woman were to self-harm it would have nothing to do with you. However, now you have to decide if that friendship you've formed is conditional or unconditional. It seems as if your former friends are co-workers and thus you might expect that once she became more social she would befriend the people she sees most. She is just spreading her wings.

It must be awfully difficult seeing her go out with those who only befriended her once she was 'better'. Since Tuesdays were your days your friend should have told you where she was going instead, but I wouldn't push it. Your old friends sound like high school bullies, but there is always a possibility for people to change. Are you positive they haven't - or that they haven't called you simply because they think you are angry with them? Remember, though, the fact that you helped this woman does not mean you have a right to be possessive of her. I don't say this meanly, because if I was in the same situation I know I would feel much the same way you do now. It's just something to keep in mind. If she is a true friend, she will explain to you why she is spending some Tuesdays with your former friends and if it bothers you she will stop and/or make her other plans for a different night of the week. You may want to try going with all of them one night, though. Although I know it will be uncomfortable, it may not be half as bad as you expected. You may learn that people can change. If they are still the shallow people they were at the beginning, then you needn't try it again, and your friend, I hope, will be extremely cautious. If not, there isn't much you can do about it - warning her may give her the idea that you are being possessive and she may lash out against it. She will have to make her own decision. If you try going with all of them and it doesn't work out and your friend shows an interest in seeing them instead of you on Tuesdays, start making your own plans for those evenings. If they haven't changed, they will drop her like a hot potato if she gives them any indication she is still depressed and she may need you and your friendship in that case. Don't deny it to her for making a mistake; many of us find that from one year to another, people can make huge changes. As you are her friend, she deserves your forgiveness if she makes a mistake. She does not, however, own the right to change your lifestyle around if it becomes different on Tuesday nights. Give her a chance, though, speak to her about your thoughts and feelings and see what she has to say. Best of luck.

Answer 3

You are looking at it as if you are a victim of your own kindness. Come on, your perceived intention of "helping" this women was because you felt sorry for her, and it was out of pity. You perceived that this person was depressed and that because of your goodness and compassion you were able to be a hero. Now that your perceived "improvement" or her (according to how you think people should be - , but this was from your friends right? ...even though all my friends said she was a very depressed and self-harmer...what the hell is this?.. You had to have the collective mind tell you something that you did not have to find out yourself... this way you dont have to take any responsibliity...hell, your friends told you this right... granted... I see how you may feel rejected; you now have to think for yourself. ) is due to you. Well, maybe it is because she is now available to other people, who as you say were your "friends", well, she has been inducted where you have been rejected, and quite possibly they are all happier to be away from you because you are so insecure that you feel you must help everyone else because your life is so perfect...I mean, you have the power if "improvement" according to life as it is defined by you........ Are you this person? Sounds like you are feeling sorry for yourself and that you are wanting some kind of recognition for your heroic success in turning a depressed person into a improved person...whatever that really means...so Any Advice... no, and Am I wrong here.. If you have to ask...well then... you figure it out.

Answer 4

Well that sucks but it is not uncommon -

Advice no not as such

You reached out to a person in need and your shallow friends , probably the only friends this woman has ever had have behaved in a shallow manner (what a surprise) and dumped you more or less

If I had advice it is that the person you reached out to - has thanks to you been let into a circle that she could not have otherwise joined - Thisd in time will bite her in the butt

Your original friends have shown themselves in thier true colours.....

You have learned a valuable yet painful lesson in human behaviour - the advice part is learn from them - What they did and the lack of thought is what is killing the planet and allows exploitations to happen Gangs form around this mentality etc

Now for your choices you can become bitter and never help any one ever again Or you can see it as a shamanic mini journey and use it to sharpen your emotional and spirirtual tools

Answer 5

I've had the same problem a year ago. It's not your fault. I think that you should find a new group of friends so that they won't blow you off like your friends did to you. Just confront her about the situation and let her know that she has been changing a lot and tell her how you really feel inside because a true friendship is all about telling the truth and letting them know how you feel. That's the only way you can vent to your friends is by letting them know what is on your mind.

Answer 6

I think its normal to feel cheated but you gave her the gift of friendship. I think you should ask yourself if that gift was conditional. I mean did you expect something in return for the gift or was it freely given. If it was freely given then don't grieve because she has improved on it. If you get another invitation, accept, nenew the old friendships and let your new friend enjoy all of you. Friends are like angels with no wings. They lift you up when you are down. I guess that makes you an angel.

Answer 7

I think you are better off than having any of them in your life: your old friends were willing to ditch you just because you were willing to give the new comer a chance they are quite shallow and the new comer is a class act since you helped her out in her bad times and now she is ditching you too. It is better to have one honest friend than a 100 fake ones and in this case just dump them all..........no need for confrontations since they should have felt for your sensitivities.............these aren't things that need to be told to a friend-a true friend just knows what matters to you.
Also, don't change who you are because of the past experience, be who you are. Who knows, this new comer would have not been the way she turned out to be and if you had not helped her out you would in that case have missed a beautiful friendship. There is a saying: do what you think is right and don't worry about the outcome.

Answer 8

You're justified in the way you're feeling right now, but you have to realize that she just wants to spread her wings and experience what she has been missing. The woman that you helped will remember how much you helped her and realize what she is doing. Lasting friendships always go through a period like this where one or both of the people involved wants to "try out" other people. It sounds like you have been focusing alot on becoming friends with this woman and helping her out but you don't want to only be close to one person. If they leave, it can hurt like heck, i should know =). It's healthy to branch out and become friends with more than one person. This probably hurts to hear and it may seem like it hasn't helped much but your friends that abandoned you don't seem like the kind of people you need in your life, but if you want them to be your friends again, you should initiate it. b

Answer 9

you arent wrong. you did the RIGHT thing. it was absolutely wonderful of you to go out of your way to help someone else. thats great and more people should be like you. i understand that this leaves you without friends. im very sorry that she is doing this to you, maybe you could slowly become friends with them again, however, if they are really shallow women then you dont need them anywayz.
dont worry to much about it, in the end they are shallow. and you are a fabulous person for what you did. dont fret.

Answer 10

Changing characters u find everywhere. Better not to think twice about this. Better become aa giver n forget it. If she realises ,she will comeback but chase.Difficult to get people back,difficult to get true n good friends. This is an order of the day

Answer 11

This woman is a user. Avoid her. The ones who were previously your friends were not real friends. My best advice is: Never try to fix someone - watch the movie Jawbreaker.