It's calling me, I can't resist
I want to plunge into its tempting emptiness and cover my corpse in its silent darkness
Poisonous dreams have corrupted my mind
Quick open the casket so that I can evade
A shiny inviting light is awaiting for me
Pitch the first handful of ground already
Can't you see it's time for me to go ?
I was submerged by tumultuous water
My wings could not free me out of it
I fought hard to escape but it was slowly dragging me to the bottom
I finally gave in, I heard trumpets & violins
I smelt burning flesh and fresh roses
I opened my eyes to see people crying over me
Unbelievable, it's too late, the casket doors are now closed
Let me out ! Danm it, let me out !
No one heard me, I was put away
Memories faded, my name rang no bell anymore
I'm sailing alone in the lake of my solitude
Only dark orchids cover up my tomb now
Tears no longer pour, new-borns brought a sense of continuity and erased their loss I'm still knocking at the door but I know...
2007-03-06 11:06:26 · 14 answers · asked by me 2 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
I am not going to be the one to sugar coat it, your poetry could use some work. There is good substance there, but not much orginzation, and your lines tend to forn non sequitor. I would suggest you keep writing, ofeten and with enthusiasm. I would also suggest possibly taking a creative writing or poetry writing class. That would help alot...
Seiously though...keep writing!
2007-03-06 11:12:55 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
It reads like a first draft of what could be an interesting poem. But it isn't done. There is no sense of meter or form. It reads as if you were just trying to get ideas down on the page, and then decided you were done. Your also mixing your metaphors a bit much. "I'm in a casket" "I'm in the water" I'm burning" yadda yadda yadda. It's like you are trying to cram every symbolic concept you can into the poem. FOCUS. Focus on the metaphors that best convey what you want to say and flesh them out.
2007-03-06 13:57:40 · answer #2 · answered by bardsandsages 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yeah, that is good. Very somber though. Just keep in mind that if you feel right while you are writing and it helps you, don't worry if other people think it's good. You will always run into critics and negative responses and there will always be something that you can fix. Just keep writing, especially if it helps you!
2007-03-06 11:15:51 · answer #3 · answered by julieCoolie 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's good. I like poetry. The figures of speech are really great, and I can sense the powerful feelings embedded. I suggest you join sites that support writers/ poets like you. I recommend www.fictionpress.com. This site is great, you could meet others like you, and you could recieve reviews of your masterpieces from them. Hope you join!
2007-03-06 22:15:35 · answer #4 · answered by cheshire98 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
That's awsome! Have you thought of putting that in a magazine? People would love to read it!
2007-03-07 04:36:10 · answer #5 · answered by One who wonders about life 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Yes. But you need to organize your work more, link things together. I am an author myself.
2007-03-07 03:10:12 · answer #6 · answered by Vampire Master 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's O.K. You might want to hire an editor for misspellings.(Danm)
2007-03-06 11:10:41 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You sound more like a poet than a writer. I like this poem you wrote.
2007-03-06 11:09:39 · answer #8 · answered by chrstnwrtr 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You're better than average, but not exceptional.
2007-03-06 11:10:14 · answer #9 · answered by HoneyLegs 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
actually, yes! i really liked it, was easy to read and understandable too! some sentence errors, but all in all it was good, post anything else you write! please.
2007-03-07 04:25:46 · answer #10 · answered by pooshna66 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋