I need someone to tell me the facts...?

Question

I am having a baby to a guy who doesn't have the time to come and see me or have any part in my pregnancy. Yet he wants full access to the child when it's born. I don't think he will be a suitable dad as he hardly has time and i don't want my child to have a part time dad, in and out of his life. He is going to take me to court and try to gain access when it's born , but i don't want him nowhere near. What can i do to stop him from seeing the child? And what are his rights? I like to think he has none because he isn't really there now.

did i meantion he begged me to get rid of it and so did his parents and they really broke me. They have no interest really

Answer 1

I know this may not sound fair, but he wants to have a part in the child's life - not yours. I agree that he should be taking an active part in the pregnancy i.e. coming to scans etc, but I can only assume that the two of you are no longer in a relationship, so he has no obligation to spend any time with you personally, other than for appointments etc. It also seems quite contradictory in that you say that he wants full access to the child, yet you don't want him to be a part-time dad. It sounds to me as if you maybe don't want him in your life, and you are looking to use the baby as a way of getting rid of him. The bottom line is, if it was so easy to stop him from seeing the child, it may be just as easy for him to stop the child from seeing you.

I think you need to sort out your differences for the sake of the baby. It's not fair that he/she will have to suffer without a parent in his/her life all because you can't reach some sort of agreement between yourselves.

Answer 2

Hello love,
Right, from this very day, you have to realise that you have all the law on your side, and you are entitled to the full protection of it, and if you cannot afford a lawyer, you can still get one through the local law society, so make the Citizens Advice Office your first port of call today, tell them everything, and make notes from today of everything your ex boyfreind does and says, and after the birth of your beautiful child haul his *** up before the court and fight him tooth and nail, you cannot lose, even the court is always on the side of the mother. and will hand down an injunction that will settle his hash, and keep you and him apart and the baby in only your arms, the injunction will mean he can and will be arrested if he goes near you or your baby,, the help IS THERE honey, so GO GET IT. Please stay safe, and you do not have to tell him what you are doing either, and if he bothers you with phone calls or text messages, change all your phones or at least the numbers, you can even move house if you want to, all your ex ever contributed to this baby took him less than a minute, but the child is YOUR FLESH and YOUR BLOOD, and your ex has nothing to do, except pay you to help raise the child. and if he don't, well the law have ways of dealing with that aspect of it all too. Good Luck Darlin' and Stay safe, and on the side of the law.......Bye......Tony M

Answer 3

tell him to f**k off, when you register the child say you don't know who the father was...makes it extremely difficult for him to do anything because he'd have to prove that the child was his before he could take you to court for custody and it'd take him so long to get a court order for a paternity test that by the time a custody battle had started the child would be a few years old. That'd give you the chance to either run away and lose the scum bag or find a father for the child, which would help prevent any custody battle from being lost. When it comes down to it any judge will ignore someone's custody request that didn't want you to have the child in the first place. Also unless he's very rich you can also point out the cost that he'll be expected to pay you in child maintenance....he'll run a mile.

Answer 4

Men, huh?
I personally think it is very wierd for a bloke to forcibly say "I don't want it!" then turn round & say "it's mine! you can't take it away from me!" & put you through hell for having his child!!!
I shall never understand that hypocrisy!!!
& I do totally sympathise with you, cos you're feeling resentful etc.

OK, let's compare notes?

I found out I was pregnant on Christmas eve!!!
& my partner's instant reaction? He wanted me to have an abortion- he told me not to tell anyone I was pregnant so that could be arranged.

He didn't even ask how I felt!

(9 years later): He's still a very resentful dad.
He gets stressed all the time, he shouts a lot, sometimes he's totally obnoxious. Other times, he's an OK dad.

If I could do it all over...
I would have made him have more counselling sessions, rather than just one 1/2 chat!
Or perhaps I should have just got on a bus, & headed a long way away! Dunno.

I also know, from having a child before this last one, that I put too much love & time into that child; caring too much, being over-protective, always trying to make up for the deficit... giving her my all, through thick & thin, giving up my own life...
I realised that painful fact when that child grew up & responded only with hatred for me, simply cos she grew up without a dad & she didn't have the material things she wanted! She was blaming me for everything (& I still haven't had the heart to tell her he didn't want anything to with her!) God, this hurts so much!

I guess the message is, keep your options open & think ahead:
Consider getting clean away? (That means changing your name etc., so he can't find you).
Consider 'life' with a part-time dad- who doesn't emotionally support you?
Consider a life with a bloke who learns to change his unhelpful, immature ways?
Or with a different person altogether? (One who is there for you & the child, who sees both of you as one unit that needs to be together & who is willing & able to give you the love you both need, without recriminations, hassles & hard times. Someone will also help you cope with the child's real dad when he's being a real pain).

Which option strikes you as being best?

Find a birthing partner- maybe a female friend you get on with.

Just get on do what you have to do to survive
& forget all about this jerk till he has taken parenting classes.

Get a good family lawyer. If he wants access, yeh, sure, if you have to, by law, agree to supervised visitation (especially if you think he is likely to be an unstable influence on your child).

I hope this helps you! I wish all the very best. God bless XX

Answer 5

I am agree with Loopy_loo (number 2). Let him see the child. You never know what will happened next. Yes, he is part time dad now. I hope he is at work and not between drinks. In that case it is sensible to give him an access to the child but not when he wanted (I mean: today I am in a mood to see my child, but next week... sorry, another time). At present he is so persistent and if you don't let him to see his own child... it is a bit cruel at one side and he probably will be one of that desperate dads who blame all womankind for restrictions to see own child. Believe me, worse if Dad completely doesn't want to see or hear anything about own children. I don't know your circumstances why it is come up that way, it may be a reason. But still..

Answer 6

Unfortunately i have to tell you loopy loo is right, he will have access to the child but not full access. He can take you to court if you do not allow him to see the child, unless the child would be at risk. But he will never have any parental responsibilty as you have never married the guy so at least that is something. I would suggest that you keep a record of any conversations especially if he starts to get nasty

Answer 7

Write down everything you know that this man has done wrong that could count against him. At any stage you can consult a lawyer and ask what they think of his behaviour in terms of unfit parenting. Judges do usually try to ensure fathers rights; so unless you have firm evidence that he is unfit to be a parent, judges will usually allow custody rights to fathers. It is a sad fact but many men do lose interest in their child after some time so you can hope for that; find evidence of unfit behaviour in his past; or hide!

Answer 8

you have never been married so he doesn't have much rights whatever you do do not put his name on the birth certificate just tell them you don't know who the dad is this might be embarrassing but he will have rights once his name is on it if you really think this man will not be there and it will be more hurtful to your child if he was then i know people will disagree with me but tell him your sorry but you got the days wrong and its not his they cant do a DNA test unless they have your permission move away start a new life trust me i wish i done all that when i was in your situation it would have saved alot of hurt for me and my son good luck remember its you that carried this baby for 9mth its your call he has no rights

Answer 9

i was just like you when i was pregnant at 17. the guy was a right idiot but you can't stop him. going to court will be so upsetting. just let him see the baby when he wants (i did this and my sons father gave up coming as new born babies aren't so interesting to men) but make it clear it will be on your terms and in your house with you there. my son is 5 now and his dad has become more interested. my son spends every Saturday with his dads family and really enjoys it. its hard at first but do it slowly. your child will ask questions and i didn't want my son to hate me from keeping him away from his dad. i can understand how you feel tho, i hate his dad, but he is my sons dad and i can't change that. if you asnt any advice, mail me. good luck.

Answer 10

im sorry to tell u but he has got rights my daughters dad was like that but after a while he lost intrest he hasnt seen her for 4 yrs now never phones or anything so i think u should let him see the baby he sounds like the sort ov man that will soon forget about the fact he has a kid