Gender of Baby disappointment?

Question

I am 38 years old and pregnant with my first child. My entire life I have dreamed of having a girl and my husband and I even picked a name for her 3 years ago. The time is finally right to have a baby and we are, but we just found out with ultrasound that it is a boy. I am feeling very heartbroken and guilty at the same time. How do I come to terms with the loss of my little girl? and get happy about having a boy? Anyone else gone through this?

Thank you to those people who were compassionate. I am very happy that the baby is healthy. I have a nephew who has Down's syndrome and a stepson who is autistic, so I definitely know the importance of health. I also know that I will love my son and already do, but there is another part of my that is still very sad.

When I say I have lost my little girl, I mean the lifelong dream I have always had. I never thought I would be having children, have had very difficult life circumstances and it really doesn't seem likely that I will have another child after this baby. The little girl had significance for me because my mother died young and I wanted the chance to have the kind of mother/daughter relationship that we once shared , thus the dream.

I admit it is probably some selfishness, but I don't think I am a horrible person. I will never let this baby know of the sadness I felt over the gender. Never. Contrary to popular belief, I am not that selfish.

Answer 1

God gives us what we should have, but that doesn't mean we don't have ideas of our own. Any time you have your heart set on something and it doesn't work out the way you planned, you will have a normal amount of disappointment. When you see your son's face and hold him in your arms, you will forget the disappointment and be glad for what you have been given. You speak of the loss as if you had a child and lost her. The child you "had" in your mind was not real. The one you are carrying inside of you is real. You may want to try again to conceive a girl, but unless you adopt, you will never be able to choose the gender of your child. Never let your son know he was a "disappointment" to you. This could cause him terrible harm. Don't feel guilty for your feelings either, you can't help that you feel this way, but you can concentrate on the baby you do have. Get involved in decorating his room, buy baby clothes, and start looking for a boy's name. This will make your son REAL to you. I wouldn't trade my son for any girl in the world. I'm sure you will feel the same way once your baby is here. Good Luck and Best Wishes for you and your baby.

Answer 2

Hi, I know it seems like a shame when you have your heart set on a certain someone coming into your life. I always thought I would have a little boy. My husband is one of 6 boys and all his brothers have had sons. Besides that I am not a girly girl and as soon as I discovered I was having 'Toby' I started to imagine football sundays and dinosaur pyjamas!. We found out at the scan that 'Toby' was a girl and to be fair it was a huge shock! We hadn't even considered it could be! I just couldn't get motivated to buy pink etc!
Rest assured that by the time I was due to give birth I was really looking forward to having my baby girl Evie and cannot imagine life with a boy now. She is everything I wanted and more. I even screamed minutes after birth "please check she's a girl" as by this time if it had been a boy I would have mourned the loss of my daughter!
I am now having a second baby and everyone assumed I would be hoping for a boy but this time I was sure to keep an open mind and the desire to have either sex was kept at bay by just remembering what a blessing any baby is.
All babies bring their love with them. You can never know how much you will love your little boy until he arrives. Then you will realise that your baby girl was a dream and your little boy is your flesh and blood.
Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope all goes well with the birth xx
PS Don't feel guilty, it's natural when you have had a shock to feel numb but the love is growing in your tummy along with that little baby x

Answer 3

Well you didn't lose a little girl, you just haven't had her yet. It's time to set that dream aside for a while and focus on being happy for your baby boy. Start day dreaming with your husband about all the fun boy stuff he'll get to do with his dad (baseball, rough-housing, etc) and also think of how much cheaper having a boy will be! You're hanging on to a dream that hasn't been shattered, just held off a little longer. I'm sure there will be a girl in your future. Also, there are so many couples out there that either can't have children, or are struggling with fertility treatments just to try to get ONE child. You should feel blessed to be having one at all! The more thankful you are for this baby, the more blessed you will feel to be having him. When you see his little face for the first time I really think you'll forget all about your heartbreak.

Answer 4

I was so thrilled when my son was born that I can't imagine how I would have felt if he was a girl. Throughout my pregnancy I just knew it was a boy (we chose not to find out before he was born) and we put a lot of time and effort in picking out the perfect name for him while we only settled on a girl's name (one that I no longer like if I do have a girl later). I totally understand why you are disappointed but the fact that you feel guilty about it shows that you will love your child no matter what. The disappointment will pass after your son is born though it may take longer for the guilt to go away. Enjoy your little boy when he joins you and your husband and he will grow into a man that you will not regret.

Answer 5

Actually I have. In March of 2005 I had a little girl. This time around i was hoping for a boy I went to get an ultrasound today and found out I was having another girl. At first I was dissappointed now I have come to terms with it and am happy that my baby is healthy.

Answer 6

I am hoping for a girl but if i end up having a boy, i will love him as much as i would have loved the little girl. I'm praying for a healthy baby - 10 fingers, 10 toes, 2 eyes, 2 ears a mouth and a cute little button nose. How it pee's means not soo much to me so long as it is healthy. We aren't far enough along to find out the baby's gender yet. My advice to you from my own personal experience being the unwanted gender would be to try to get over it before the baby comes. My dad wanted a boy in the worst way and when he found out i was a girl he was crushed. He was cold towards me, tried to treat me and raise me like a boy. He couldn't accept the fact he had a girl. He never got over it and it took until I was in my late 20's before he accepted me. I hope that helps a little from a different point of view.

Answer 7

I wanted a second girl and found it was a boy via ultra sound. I too was very disappointed. I am glad I found out early though so that I had time to buy cute boy clothes, decorate his room, and do my grieving before his birth.

Oliver is sooo cute and such a joy. He is tremedously more affectionate than my daughter and just loves his mommy! I am now glad he is boy. Hope you will feel the same. By the way, I had my daughter at age 39 and son at age 41. Both children are very healthy and we did not need fertility assistance. So maybe you can try for a girl next year!

Answer 8

Don't feel this way. Be happy that your baby is healthy and developing normally. Once you see your little baby you won't believe that you ever felt upset. Boys are very special and a lot of fun in their own way. I have an only child and he is a boy. When I was pregnant with him I didn't care what sex he would be as long as he was healthy. That is all that matters. This is the baby that you are meant to have. You can still have a girl next time around.

Answer 9

I also hoped for a girl but got a boy. I ended up loving him more than I ever thought possible, although it took a few weeks. I wouldn't trade him in for anything now. Stop being so selfish - even if you had a girl she may have turned out completely different from what you expected, and then you would be disappointed in her for not living up to your hopes. It's not the baby's job to make you happy, it's your job to love and raise it.

You might want to try reading "Love you forever," a book by Robert Muensh(not sure of spelling) It's about a mom and her son, and I read it in the grocery store and cried my eyes out. Don't underestimate how much joy having a son can bring you.

Answer 10

My father always wanted a son, and he ended up with 2 girls! My mother was 40 when she had me, so there wasn't much of a chance afterwards for another child, nevermind a boy. While he was disappointed at first, he soon got over it because he raised us and loved us. I understand my father's disappointment but have been ok with not being the much wanted boy because I've made my parents proud in numerous other ways. Once your child is in your arms, you will forget all your worries and guilt and love him no matter what.

I also wanted a girl but am currenlty 27 weeks with a boy. Well, I love him already, especially when he kicks and I fall in love with him more and more every day! Don't worry and enjoy your pregnancy!