I am getting married by a Baptist pastor (my husband was brought up Baptist...we are basically doing this for his aging mother). The pastor has been married for 25 years...but he is definitely, and I mean definitely, is not a heterosexual man. He wants to meet with us so he can "get to know us" and make our ceremony personal. The first two times we met with him he only talked about himself....did not offer any insight into us, marriage, etc. Our next session is to discuss our "sexuality". Second marriage for both of us -I am 47 fiance is 52. I will not discuss my sexuality with this creep. I am not sure if this is a pass/fail situation and if I don't comply that he won't marry us. Anyone have any thoughts? Why does he need to know about our sex life?
2007-03-06 05:11:11 · 20 answers · asked by Bride To Be 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
many churches have premarital counceling because they think it helps keep divorce rates down and gives you a change to examine if you are making the right choices. i think you are too old to be going through this mess. the church my husband used insisted on counceling inorder to use the church.
2007-03-06 05:14:48 · answer #1 · answered by misse 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Haha, yea, I know what you mean. Okay, here's what you do...tell the man that you don't feel comfortable discussing intimate details about your sexuality with him here. Ask him for his uhm, guidance (riiiight) and for things that you should consider and talk about later with your fiance while you're alone.
I have attended Baptist church, but have since become agnostic, I do know that the pastors there would not marry couples if they live together before marriage and sometimes if they were having sex before marriage. They would require that couples stop 'living in sin' and stop having sexual intercourse prior to the wedding (as if they'd know haha) but would refuse to marry a couple if they admitted to these things without willingness to stop. I don't know of any other occasions that pastors would refuse to marry a couple.
2007-03-06 05:24:37 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is a personal issue that pastors don't talk about usually. He knows you have been with other people... if he wants to talk about compatibility with life then okay, but this is a step over the bounds here.
I would contact another baptist minister and pay him a visit myself and ask him about his procedures for 2nd marriages. get some insight and then make up your mind.
If you are feeling upset about this whole thing, then you need to find another way.
You must talk to your fiancee and tell him what you have found out.
If he disagrees and still wants to see this man, then I would plan to elope or have a civil marriage.
You are getting married to one another not his aging mother.
This is about you and your wishes not hers.
She should understand, and if she doesn't it is unfortunate. You need to tell her your concerns and don't back down if she asks.
You do not put yourself at risk for anyone.... this could be a disaster wating to happen.
You must speak up and be counted and heard. You will have a place in this family and must stand firm in this position.
You will not get any respect otherwise.
2007-03-06 05:25:45 · answer #3 · answered by doclakewrite 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I had a simular expereince with our wedding. I'm not a religious person at all, I don't believe in religion. But don't get me started on that... but my wife's family is and they already had the church and all that picked even before I was in the picture. We had the same situation, had to meet with the pastor 2-3 times before. He tried to give us "counciling" for how to make our marriage last and had to sit through a bunch of crap. He said it was his manditory process. I wanted to find something different but under the circumstances with my wife and her mother this was the only way to get married in that church. I did however, tell him what I didn't want him to say. I didn't want him to go off and preach, this isn't about him preaching, it's about us. In rehearsal he went into this accepting jesus speech and tried to ask us if we had done this. I stopped it and explained that this will not be part of the actual wedding. He finally got the picture and kept trying to talk to me about accepting jesus and coming to church to be saved. That was the most frustrating part about it, everything else went very well. He listened to what I wanted and kept it short and simple.
2007-03-06 07:17:48 · answer #4 · answered by mac_attack_51 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Does he know your fiancee? Could he know something about your fiance you do not? Trust me - some guys can be gay/bisexual and you'd never know. I wish MY pastor had questioned the sexuality of my first husband in a counseling session. He wasn't my pastor .. but the uncle of the man I married - a man who turned out to be GAY. The family knew about his homosexual tendencies and experiences but no one told me about it - until after we married, and I found some evidence... I would point blank ask the pastor why he is concerned with yor private sex lives...
2007-03-06 05:45:03 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm not sure why he wants to know. Maybe he wants to know that you two are "pure." I know you've been married before, but that kind of thing is a big one for baptists. You don't have to give any details. He will still marry the two of you. And he may just be a bit...effeminate. I've known lots of totally straight guys who were like this. Good luck, and Congratulations!
2007-03-06 05:17:35 · answer #6 · answered by philyra2 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Then don't discuss your sexuality. Just say something like "I'm comfortable with my past and looking forward to my future." If this odd pastor refuses to go forward with planning your ceremony, then good riddance--you'll be able to make other plans.
But discuss with your fiance before the next meeting, make sure your strategy isn't going to make him upset.
As for his mother, if the pastor dumps you, she can't accuse you of dumping him.
2007-03-06 05:27:29 · answer #7 · answered by Wise Advice 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Pastors deliver messages. You, say "Why does he need to know about our sex life?" Maybe he has a message for the both of you. It is not like you are risking your life by going. If you want to know something, ask him. But dont be quick to judge him. Give him a chance and see what he has to say. Ask questions, then decide if you want him to marry you or not.
2007-03-06 05:31:01 · answer #8 · answered by me 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Go Catholic, they give you football season off, say sorry on Sundays start over on Mondays.
Get married for no one other than yourselves. His aging Mother is a guest not a participant, You new Husband should satisfy you and cut the cord with his Mother
2007-03-06 05:18:59 · answer #9 · answered by nfgatcer 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I say if he creeps you out, find another pastor that will marry you.
If all else fails, go to the justice of peace, like I did the second time around, and save yourself stress, time, and money!
2007-03-06 05:14:10 · answer #10 · answered by a_lot_smarter_now 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He doesn't! I have a suggestion - when you go into his office and he begins to ask you personal questions, your answer should be....Although I understand why you feel you need to know about our sex life, I assure you it is just fine and I WILL NOT discuss our personal business with you or anyone else. I believe that God intended for some tings to be kept between a man and his wife, and sex would be one of those things!!
2007-03-06 05:19:02 · answer #11 · answered by Kailey 5 · 4⤊ 0⤋