14 yo rebeling against us. please help before I do sumthing I will regret?

Question

My 14 yo is driving me to a point Im scared.
He constantly lies to us.
He will not do his homework and we have offered to help him.
He shows no one in the house any respect.
Hes gotten used to lieing so much its become natural to him.
He will not help around the house.
He is always mad about something or depressed about something.
The only answer he gives us as to why he acts this way is "I Dont Know".
We have grounded him from stuff but it doesnt work he doesnt care.
We take stuff and privlages from him but he doesnt care.
I feel it would benefit him to see a doctor because he shows no interest in anything but his friends and video gameing. And he wants to hurt ppl.
I dont want to hurt him. but he is getting to big for his britches Im afraid of wut I will do when he gets in my face again and its the wrong timing.
I threaten I yell and none of this works I talk calmly that dont work its like he doesnt want to be here. The way he walks around here youd think he on drugs, but hes not.

I was hospitalized when I was 8 or 9. Though he hasnt had anything to trigger any of this behavior here and this has actually been a growing issue since grade school, yes he has a younger brother and I forbid anyone to show favortism to either one they are to be treated equal. Maybe it is my fault, I do wonder if there is sumthing I haven't done or if its sumthing I have done. I cant turn away from my son and I wont see him go through wut I did in Southern Pines. I WONT. I know wut went on in there I WAS THERE.
Another thing is he will fine one minute joking around and talking normal and the very next minute its gone. Im afraid of his temper when he is not in my sight cause he WILL hurt sumone fer nothing at all, just to do it. I cannot buy his love he expects it but I cant and wont go that route having him think money will buy happiness. I love him and want to help him not throw him into some mental house where things only get worse and scar ya far more than most think.

Answer 1

I know folks who have had success with switching to homeschooling, as very often the worst influence is the kids at school. If nothing else, he will surely care about being grounded if he doesn't see his friends all day.

I will also say that getting angry is just not going to help anyone. It is much better for you to stay calm and explain "These are the rules, and these are the consequences - you decide what you want to do." As kids get older we need to treat them less as children and give them more of a taste of what life is like. If you don't do chores, you don't get money, you don't get video games. If you are not respectful, you are in your room - that's all. No big deal, it is just a rule. If you give me cause to suspect that you are doing something illegal I will search your room - no big deal, that's just the rule. Don't want your room searched - be a respectful cooperative upstanding person and I will have no cause to do that. "It's as simple as that" you say - and then stick with it and be consistent. Don't lose your temper or be unreasonable - you need to be the example of the behavior you want to see in your child.

Peace!

Answer 2

I would totally get him some help. Even if its just in out patient counseling. 14 and teen years are such a hard time- remember? And its only gotten tougher with all the pressures he faces each and everyday! He needs to get his emotions out and he needs to know u love him no matter what he says or does! When he says I DONT KNOW believe it or not he probably DOESNT KNOW! He is going thru a confusing time- hormones going bezerk and some kids handle it better than most. He is struggling between being a boy and a man. Needing his parents and wanting to be independant but from what you say PLEASE get him into counseling of some kind before its too late and something worse happens. He may even need anti depressants but hey- half of America are on them now!!!! Whatever you do- dont smack him upside the head no matter how much you feel u want too! That will only make it worse! Your doing great the way u r going! GET HIM HELP right away. even family counseling along with counseling just for him is a great idea so u can learn the best ways to deal with his problems without choking him to death! lol My heart goes out to u. Good luck

Answer 3

All teenage boys go through the 'phase', and you're most defintely not alone. I know how frustrating it may seem for you at the moment, but try stopping for a moment to put yourself in his shoes. He's 14. Everything's changing - the way he looks, his voice, the way he feels about things. He's probably extremely confused - he doesn't know what to be. He's in that awkward child/adult phase when half of him wants to be an adult, and respected and able to do 'adult things', but the other half still wants to play video games. Then, you add girls and puberty into the mix and you get one very mixed up kid.

You say that you've tried taking privileges away from him but that he doesn't seem to care, but then you go on to say how important his friends and video games are to him. So, try cutting these off. He can't go to parties. He can't have his allowance so he can't buy the latest game, which he simply HAS to have, because EVERYONE has it. He's testing the boundaries and seeing how far he can go, and whenever you yell at him, he gets a reaction. So try being calmer - I know you said you've tried that before, but if you talk calmly then shout, you're giving him mixed messages. So, don't react at all, but when he announces that he's not going to do his homework because he doesn't want to, reply in a bored voice that that's fine by you and unplug his playstation. He'll get in a strop, he'll throw a tantrum, but he'll also realise that by giving you attitude, he has something very important taken away from him.

If he does answer back to you in an effort to appear grown-up and 'tough', simply treat him like a child, and tell him that if he insists on acting like one, that's the way he'll be treated. When he does act in a mature way, by doing work which is due in, or helping people, reward him, and give him privileges which he wouldn't usually have.

Remember - he will grow out of it eventually. It's just a case of being there for him through this tricky period, even if he doesn't seem to want your help on the outside. Hope this helps - good luck!

Answer 4

He may be on drugs. If not, he may be on drugs the first chance he gets to do them.
So act now, before he goes any farther. See a family counselor with him. And make it an important part of the therapy that some changes take place with his behavior immediately.... no, this is not a 'let's get a chance to see how the child feels' problem - this is a 'let's stop this problem behavior situation.' Get tough (with love) before it is too late.

Answer 5

What you describe seems to go a bit beyond normal teenager behavior. I don't think its a bad idea to take him to a doctor and rule out anything like depression or an anti-social personality disorder. You may even want to consider some family counseling to show him you are approaching his problems as a family and not just leaving him alone to work it out with a shrink.

Answer 6

Well the only thing he cares about is video games and his friends. TAKE THEM AWAY. No phone, no friends over, no video games until he learns respect and responsibility. Sit him down and explain to him that his behavior is unacceptable and until he grows up... he will be treated like a child. Explain to him exactly what he is doing wrong. And let him know if his behavior does not change, you will send him to bootcamp!

BTW: Make him volunteer at a retirement home or animal shelter, maybe he'll realize there are worse things in the world and it doesn't revolve around him.

Answer 7

Wow!!! I am going through something similiar but my 14 yr old does not disrespect me. He does not do his homework, if he takes a test I do not see any of them. He has been in school now since September and I have only seen two test and he past it.

I took alot of the priviledges from him also but he does not seem to care. I really wish that I could give you advice but I need help with my son too.. Good Luck to you, hopefully things work out for you...

Answer 8

From the way that you are describing your son i believe that he may be suffering from what is called depression. he is probably upset about allot of things that he is afraid to share with you and that is common in many adolescents. Yelling and threatening however will not do anything to help him,that can only make him more angry and cause him to rebel against you even more. you should try taking him to counseling. let him express him self. at first this may upset him but in the long run he will realize that it is helping him. i have gone threw depression and taking medications and going to counciling has made me realize that i am sick and often the behavior i had chosen was not my fault. when he tells you he dosent know try not to be aggravaited because he dose infact not know why he acts that way.

Answer 9

haha. This sounds like something my parents would write about me.
How were you at 14? Were you a perfect little angel? I doubt it. My parents took me to a psychiatrist, but that didn't do anything for me, don't waste your money there.. You need to let him be, all kids act like this sometime in their life. Try doing something they want to do, no not let him get his way and stuff but let him do something he has been wanting to do for a long time, you know? My parents let me do something that I have been wanting to do for ages and they finally let me do it, they were like " We're going to let you... because it's better than you being in a gang or doing drugs with your friends" etc...But sometimes you have to jump onto them. Take the door off their room, take the keyboard and mouse from the computer, take their camera/games etc... Eventually they will get so upset th at they have no choice but to settle down, then give it back to them. Just don't give in all the time.... He wants to hurt people? Do you know where he gets it from? When my parents fought, I would always want to hurt myself and anyone around me, maybe someone in your household is fighting or he is having trouble with schooll...? I know I'm rambling on, but it's cause I know exactly what your saying, and I don't know how to explain...haha... Uhm...
What you should do is try and be as nice, caring to him as possible. When I'm upset at something and my mum or dad ask me what's wrong, I always say "I don't know!" and then get into a really angry mood. When that happens, I go sit in my room ON MY OWN and watch a movie or listen to my iPod or play a video game. UGH! I wish I knew what to say, but I guess I don't. I always get into a bad mood if someone won't leave me alone or if something bad happened at school, you know? What I think I'm trying to say is, don't be too concerned, because all kids are like this. I'm 15 and I'm almost exactly like him, but I'm a girl. =p
And be careful about "disciplining" him by hitting him, that's the worse thing you can do and it puts yourself in danger too. Don't be afraid of him though, remind him that he can go to juvenile hall. Well that's it, I sorta rambled on, sorry!

Answer 10

Welcome to puberty! This is what I understand, and I've been there. At that age they are trying to separate themselves from the "child" that they have always been. In order to do that they have to cut that tie with you. By rebelling they think they are making it clear that they are in charge of themselves. I also understand that the closer bond you had, the harder they are on you. Especially boys and their mothers. I had a hard time with my very sweet boy, He's 17 now and it's much better.

It would definitely be worthwhile to see if your school has any mental health professionals. They can often find ways to talk to the kids and screen out any issues. And maybe set him up for weekly groups that help them talk about issues they are dealing with. It's a scary time for them and us!