I dont think people understood my situation... Posted a question yesterday about my marraige and other woman?

Question

I posted a question and I got some feedback that made me think i didn't give enough info. I'm currently married to my highschool sweetheart, we have been married for 3yrs and have been together a total of 14yrs. A year ago i met someone who is absolutely wonderful and I fell in love with her.. I have never cheated before and I was completely against it. I just share feelings with this new person that i have never felt before. My wife and I are drifting apart day by day, even before I was with this other woman. Being so young back then i thought i knew what love was, but now feeling the way I do, I feel I really know what love is now. My wife and I started counciling. The other woman is now saying she needs to back away. This is destroying me. I know my wife deserves better and I cant be ther for her the way i was in the past. We own a house and we have no kids. I hurt everyday because the other woman wants to back away now. I have this pit in my stomach now, its killing me.

I am doing the counciling mor efor my wife i think in a way. I do love her and want nothing but the best for her. I really mean that.... I do. I just dont feel that we are "In Love" anymore. I know she still watns to give it ago but I am not sure anymore, and the last thing i want to do is drag this on. The other woman told me that she is backing off becauseshe was divorced a year ago and she was with him for 13 years and married for 3 as well.. That was a horrible relationship for her, she jsut started a new joba nd she has thinks that she has to take care off. I have expressed to her that I could see a future with us, i think that scared her, She told me she loved me but she can't commit right now cus she has to get her life straight. She says we missed the whole dating and normal stuff that people do when they meet, and she doesnt want us to be on a destructive path. And one day after all is said and done with my marraige maybe we can be together but she cant garuntee it...

First of all I want people to know that this other woman is not a "hoe"or "slut".. SHe is truly the kindest person I have ever met. She is a great person. I know that i can do all of those things i:e, call my wife int he middle of the day, buy her flowers, and all of that jazz. but I just don't feel it. I hate that I feel this way. No matter how much i stress that this isnt just a fling. i am truly in love with this other woman. I did not go looking for this. I did have taht feeling as one of the answer said. I did feel that "it was the next step to get married." I dont consier myself a dirt bag. I really believe I am a "good guy" I hate that fact that I cheat on her, but I cant take that back. I know this. I have so much to throw away to ahave such a small chance of eveing being with this other woman. I do not want to just conitue this "having both woman". It isnt right... I know this. The last thing I want is to hurt either of them. but I can hide the way I feel....

I know that this woman wants use to always be clsoe and be friends so i think that is also a big reason she wants to take a step back. She doesnt want to lose that. Another thing i worry about is that if we do jsut decide to be friends for now, will it break my heart to see her date someone else. And yes I do know how selfish and stupid that sounds coming from some one who is married.. How do i cope with that?

Answer 1

I've seen this happen before with a couple people I know. They started seeing each other in Jr. High and continued their relationship through their college years. There were a few ups and downs along the way, but they always stayed a couple. Shortly after college, I heard they were engaged. I decided to take 'Doug' out for lunch one day as a congratulatory celebration. We're cousins and have always been more like brother and sister. I asked him why he decided to finally marry 'Steph'. His answer kind of surprised me. He told me, 'well, isn't that the next step'? Not once did he mention anything to me about being madly in love with 'Steph'. Their marriage lasted for barely 18 months. 'Steph' met another guy at work and left 'Doug'. My point is this. Could it be that you guys were just too comfortable together? Maybe you were so used to being a couple that you forgot to look at the bigger picture . . . are you in love . . . or is this relationship just safe? It's quite possible that this other woman you've met has triggered something within you that you've never felt with your wife. I also understand completely why she feels the need to 'back away'. You ARE married. She probably feels that you need to take a closer look at your marriage and find out what it is that you truly want.

Answer 2

Dude, you have got to your head out of your ***. The only reason you feel more drawn to this woman is because she is new and that makes her exciting. You and your wife have been together for a long time. You love her. And the reason you love her is still there. I bet you two don't do the things you once did. All the things that made your heart skip and made you smile just by the thought of her. Don't throw all that away because of a new woman. Rekindle your love. Don't just go to counseling for your wife. If that is the only reason then your marriage is doomed.
Take one day and think about all the things you used to do. Try and do some of those things again. Call her in the middle of the day just to see how she is. Buy her flowers. Take her out just for the hell of it. Once you start doing little things like this then I believe that she will return the gestures and show you why she loves you. Don't throw a good thing away.
Trust me, I've been married 12 years and I work on showming my love to my wife. It's not easy. Nothing worth having comes easy.

Answer 3

You have what they call true love with your wife. It's just that new love always feels better. However 14yrs. is a long time, and it could get boring, but let's not forget perspective. The other woman is just the other woman. Meaning that she's already giving up on you, whereas wifey has stood the test of time. (HINT) Stay with your wife, it won't happen like her again. She's
not bored with you, but she is, as is you with her. It's time for a renewal of love. All need be done is the giving of attention. Of course you've done it all. Now it's time to start from the begining
and do it again, just on a different level. Remember when you gave her all your attention? Remember putting everything on hold for her? Remember going all out of your way to do things for her and to make her smile? All so she would think of you. She does!!! I'm sure if you do these things she'll return the attention you need (as we men do) and your marrige will be all that you want. Being mature doesn't mean you can't indulge in young, silly, and naive love!!! Have a lunch with her consisting of nothing but an ice cream cone, and think of the silliest reason you can to be around her.

Answer 4

The problem with being "in love" is that so much of that feeling is excitement over something new. I'm willing to bet that if you compare what you're feeling now for the new woman with what you felt for your wife years ago when you first met her, the feelings are very, very similar. Being "in love" with someone new is not a good reason to give up on the last person you felt that way for especially after you made a huge commitment to that person in the form of marriage.

I have to agree with what someone above said. Staying "in love" takes a commitment not only to live together but to keep courting each other throughout the relationship. Being loving and being loved are more important long term than being "in love" is. Funny thing is, if you are loving and loved you often find that you keep that "in love" feeling too.

(And can I say major kudos to the other woman for backing away to give you some time to work things out in your marriage. What amazing integrity she has.)

Answer 5

Wow! That has to be really hard for you. Honestly, I think no matter how many answers you get to this question, you are still going to have to make the ultimate desicion yourself. Follow your heart. Why is the other woman backing off? Has she found someone else, or is she just tired of being "the other woman"? Ask yourself waht you really want, and make sure that you are SURE, b/c once you make your decision, there is no going back.

As far as the house, if you decide that you are going to split w/ your wife, then that is something that the both of you have to agree on. Just remember that materialistic things come and go, so don't put up too much of a fight if your wife is insisting.

I hope that you figure out what you want, you will have peace when that happens.

Answer 6

Well, it sounds like you and your wife are growing apart. You can be together with someone a long time and drift apart from one another. It doesn't mean either one of you is a bad person. If counsiling isn't helping and neither one of you is still interesting in keeping things going, then yes, it's time to make a decision on what you really want. But becareful with the person you've met. They may or may not last forever either, you know? She's new to you and the dynamics of the situation are new and interesting, This person (and this is deep) may be a catalyst for possibly getting you out of that situation, which is ok too, because that way it will give you a chance to meet someone new in the future. Good luck and keep me posted!!

Answer 7

What a difficult situation. First of all, all feelings start "backing off" after a year or two of marriage unless you don't do something to feed those feelings. Just being together doesn't cut it. You have to continue to date your spouse, do exciting things together, try new sex positions and ways of exploring each other. And, do not EVER let someone else come between you and your wife. It sounds as if there is nothing wrong with your wife, maybe she is just bored, as it sounds you are. Give this marriage a chance and don't dwell on this other woman. Spend the energy on your wife that you are wasting on wanting someone who doesn't want you. You can get those feelings back. Read books about marriage, and start exploring each other. You may be surprised and the passion that can be reunited.

Answer 8

I'm a married woman and I def. know how us woman married or not think. I think that a marriage is extremely special and if that special feeling has gone away then you being the man and the head of the house should help get everything back on its tracks. Leaving your wife for another woman who already knows that your married when you met her is going to be the stupidest thing that you will ever do. If shes messing with you "A MARRIED MAN" what makes you think your her only one? You dont trade in your WIFE for a HOE!!! The devil put his trap in front of you and because you showed weakness and fell into it real deep hes painting an even bigger picture for you now just to finish his work. You should really look at things with an open mind and dont leave something just because you experienced alittle excitement for awhile. If you didnt love or felt like you loved your wife then your relationship/marriage wouldntt have lasted the amount of years that it did. There was def. something there that made you want to work at it. I feel that your drifting away from your wife is because its something that your doing being blinded by this other woman. Not that im saying shes blinding you but since your focus is that you want to be with her your forgeting on how it is that you can fix what went wrong in your marriage. And the other woman is now saying that she wants to back down because she sees that you are trying to work things out with your wife....shes full of it...why didnt she see that in the beginning when she met you its not like she didnt know or that you recently got married the other day. I see her intentions and there not good...im sure she knows that she has you right where she wants you...so shes going to say she wants to walk so that you can chase after her and forget about your wife. Trust in GOD....the bible says

Hebrews 13:4
Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.

Proverbs - Chapter 6:23-29
For these commands are a lamp, this teaching is a light, and the corrections of discipline are the way to life, keeping you from the immoral woman, from the smooth tongue of the wayward wife.
Do not lust in your heart after her beauty or let her captivate you with her eyes,
for the prostitute reduces you to a loaf of bread, and the adulteress preys upon your very life.
Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned?
Can a man walk on hot coals without his feet being scorched?
So is he who sleeps with another man's wife; no one who touches her will go unpunished.

First Corinthians - Chapter 6:18-20
Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?
You are not your own; You were bought at a price.
Therefore honor God with your body.



Really think about what your going to give up if you do.
God Bless **Maddie**

Answer 9

I understand exactly where you are coming from. I met my ex when I was 17, we got married when I was 19 and had 2 kids then I met someone who showed me attention and respect and actually had things in common with me.
I never cheated on my husband with this man but the time I spent with him (we worked together) showed me that there was a whole other world out there that I needed to explore. He also backed away from me because he didn't want to be the cause of my failed marriage. Once I left my husband we dated a few times but it didn't turn into anything real.

My point is you need to decide where you marriage is going in and of itself and not because of another woman.
Decide where your marriage stands first then you can pursue this woman if there is something real she will still be there.

Be honest with her and tell her when you figure it all out you will let her know. If it's right she will wait for you.

Good luck and God bless

Answer 10

Still not quite sure what you are asking here...but here goes...you need to stop the counseling because obviously your heart is not in it and your wife deserves to know what your true intentions are. At this point you are giving her false hope, she is thinking that you want to save this marriage when in reality you want the other woman. My question to you is why is the other woman backing out now? Seems to me if she was serious about you and your relationship she would be happy that your ending your marriage. She sounds like a winner, breaks up a marriage and then bolts....as far as the pit in your stomach, imagine how your wife feels. Sorry to say but you get what you deserve. Karma is a *****!!