My boyfriend and I have been together for 3+ years and we are certain that when the time is right that we will marry and have children (im 23 he is 26). However lately, I realized that he keeps asking me when are we going to get married (and i jokingly tell him that we can talk about it after I get a ring) and start having children. I tell him someday, but he says that he wants to start now. He tells me that all his friends have children and that he should be having some soon. I mean, what do I do? I am currently in professional school hoping to start my career after I graduate and pay off my student loans and what not. I am not ready to start any family anytime soon. yet he keeps asking me when. It almost sounds like his clock is ticking. I dont know, I have a bad feeling that this conflict will someday get out of hand and may drive us apart. what do i do?
2007-03-06 01:39:44 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
By all means, I am not saying that I NEVER want children and marriage. But right now I feel that I have to be at that place to care for someone other than myslef. I am sure that husband and children need attention, but right now I want to fulfil my dream career first! I dont want to look back and resent anybody
2007-03-06 02:54:20 · update #1
I understand what you are going through, and at least you know what is going on before a marriage takes place. It is your body, and if you are not ready to settle into kids, than you are simply not ready. I agree that it seems your boyfriend it feeling a bit insecure because you are very driven to succeed in your career, and you are only 23, lots of time to have a family. It's sad that some men don't deal well with women who are more eduated than themselves, and have opportunities to make an independent career for themselves, for some reason they think you won't need them as much. I got married young with the understanding that I would still go to college and get a degree, and after the ring was on the finger, and I was doing very well at school, it drove a wedge between my ex and I, and wound up divorced. A few years after settling into my career, I met a wonderful man, and am now happily married.
2007-03-06 04:10:54 · answer #1 · answered by Lynny K 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Human's get married and make families.
So in the long term if you don't want children your being unfair to him. That is what marriage is all about.
By the way for all the stupid girlie's out there. This is how a REAL MAN behaves when dating -- long term and looking forward to a family. Not hump and dump and you can live at my house as long as I get sex for free.
You're lucky to have a real man. You better make a choice on whats more important a family or career. If you choose the career you need to dump this one so he can find someone new after wasting three years on you. Not to say there isn't other good men out there -- but by the time you're ready, you'll have to get a recycle or late bloomer.
Oh, the feminist you can have a career and a family is only for someone that want to work twice as hard as the average breadwinner and never sleeps. Time is cruel and Time only goes one way -- and you can't spent time doing two thing only one and time past is gone forever.
2007-03-06 02:08:50 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You have to decide what is most important to you, is it your life with him or your career? Which will matter most in 25 years?
My opinion is that you have thought about it more practically than he, which is unusual. The female, usually following her emotions, most often is the one to begin thinking of family first.
Anyway, there must be a compromise between the two of you. Someway to please both of you, which means you are both going to have to give in on some issue. Perhaps marriage in the next couple of years, and waiting on children until later would work for him. Maybe if you were to marry sooner than later, you would begin to want to have children.
Experience tells me though, that there is no 'right' time to begin the family life. If you have a bad feeling that this may drive you apart, then it already has. Decide what is most important, then go for it, and don't look back.
2007-03-06 01:55:01 · answer #3 · answered by Many Moons 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is really difficult as the feeling of wanting children is something that gets into every aspect of your life, that feeling that you really want kids and you really want them now.
Tell him that it will be much better if you have children when you are married, have a home, and stable jobs. Kids are expensive and need stable parents to be happy.
Tell him that you both need to live together and know each other really well before you should do this (you have to find your balance before you bring little ones into it)
Dont use your friends as guides, this is between him and you and nobody else.
Also tell him that while he loves the idea of having little ones that you can look after, that it is something you dont want just now, you want to be able to have a sucessful career and know that you are good at something before you give it all up for kids. Many women wish they had had the chance to prove themselves in their career before they had babies. Otherwise tell him that if he wants babies so much he should be prepared to look after them while you work...see how well this goes down.
Impress on him that you both have plenty of time to do this and it has to be right for both of you.
Also this may be a phase...i have been through phases that last a few months and I really want a little one, and then it naturally goes away for a while...ask him to wait to prove to you that he is for real.
Hope this helps
2007-03-06 01:51:04 · answer #4 · answered by salsabrunette 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Tell him what you just said in your question. First off, if he really wanted to marry you and have children with you he should respect your wishes of a ring, wedding and then children. Plus he should let you finish school before you start to have children, why put off what you can finish now. Just because his friends are starting to have kids does not mean that he needs to have them right now, he has plenty of time.
I would hope that this would not drive you apart. He needs to understand that you need a job and money to support a family and you want to be come established in a job before you have children.
2007-03-06 01:47:57 · answer #5 · answered by Important 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You know I must commend you. I am a single mom of 4 and I am only 25. I am doing work, school and the kids all fulltime. I sleep like never. BUT that is due to my choices and "trying" to make someone else happy cuz they wanted a family. BUt once that came it wasnt all the "fun" he thought and now I am raising them alone. Not to say that would ahppen to you, BUt it is a hard road and I would def finsish school before kids and be married a year. tell him on your first wedding anniv. you guys can start to "try" for that baby. Also I would tell him as soon as he gets the ring and then u will know he is serious. then you can make arrangements. you can still be married and do the school thing. If u love him then I would consider the marriage thing BUT have him show u he is serious by the ring. Tell him you want to enjoy the married life for that year and then you can focus later on kids. Good luck with your school and your man. But if he loves you he will know that this college is for your future. good luck
2007-03-06 01:47:14 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
The oldest trick in the book. Your boyfriend is just trying to hem you up because you are do good things with your life. And he wants to get your focus on him and children so you can't or don't break up with him.
Be realistic. In this day and age, when do you hear of anyone encouraging a 26 year old MAN to have children before it's too late. Doesn't happen. Your boyfriend is just trying to manipulate you so that he won't lose you when you graduate and realize that he is not as sucessful as you and you deserve somebody else.
Please. LET this drive you apart.
2007-03-06 01:49:48 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
I met my husband when he was 27 and the same thing he was ready to settle down and start a family, right away. I didn't want to start a family because I was recently out of a bad relationship. However, I got pregnant despite birth control and we have a daughter, best oopsy that ever happened to me!
Try to explain you need to finish school first and that you need him to support you. In the long run your education will help the marriage and your new family later.
2007-03-06 02:03:12 · answer #8 · answered by swtlilblonde31 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, heres what i would do.
Next time he starts asking question, tell him you will marry him anytime, as soon as he actually proposes. However, tell him that you just can't have kids right now. Explain to him that you want to establish your career so you can take care of his children the way they deserve. Hopefully, he will understand. But if he doesn't, who knows where this might lead in your relationship.
2007-03-06 01:47:07 · answer #9 · answered by Linka 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Tell him you are a lady and you don't have babies out of wedlock. You sound like you have your head on your shoulders as you want to get your degree and pay off your loans before thinking about marriage and children. This guy doesn't seem as responsible as you are. Are you sure you want him to be your life partner and the father of your children? He won't change once you are married, you know?
Good luck!
2007-03-06 01:45:20 · answer #10 · answered by Raspberry 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋