My husband just received an e-mail from his 14 year old daughter?

Question

asking for $300 for her birthday to spend on herself. She never says these things to him when they talk on the phone and he isn't "allowed" to see her (not a criminal thing, just her mom, but that is a complete other story in itself). She will be fifteen next week, I would have personally never dreamed of asking (then or now) any one for that amount of money for my birthday. He thinks that his ex put her up to it (rumor has it they may be losing their house and truck). I think that we could solve this by getting her a savings bond for $100-$150 for her birthday, that way A)her mom can't touch it and B)she will be able to spend it on herself, just not right away. That way we could "fix" who ever the money grubber (for lack of better words) is. We don't spend that amount on our other kids, I don't think he should be guilted into doing it for her (I am not against him buying her things, so please don't think I am the evil step-mom). What do you think, any other ideas? What would you do?

We do frequently send her money for things like school clothes, cheerleading camp, church camp, money to buy her things for basketball, school trips etc. For the person who thinks that it is none of my business, she may not be my biological daughter, but she is still my daughter and I do take an active interest in her well being as much as I do will my own flesh and blood.

I should add that when we send her "gifts", for example this Christmas she wanted a cell phone REALLY badly, and her mom said that they couldn't afford it. So we bought her one of those that she needs to pre pay on before she can use it and we also bought her the pre paid cards and told her that when she needed more to let us know, my husband got punished (she tends to do this when we buy her gifts rather then sending the cash) by his ex and was not allowed to speak to his daughter for two months via e mail or phone. We also send her phone cards so that she does not run up her parents phone bill to call us (we live in another state).

for all of those that wonder how much he pays in child support, he doesn't pay child support. She signed off on it when his daughter was two...she left the state where they lived together with their daughter, wanted him to pay her, he said fine but he wanted to see her (his daughter) she then said no, signed a paper saying she would not go after child support and left were she and their daughter had settled. Until about three years ago we did not know where they were (turns out they were over sea with her now husband and their four children). So now we try to help out with what pertains to his daughter, but we are not going to pay their household bills because they live outside their means. His ex and his daughter know that we want to see her and that she is welcome her, but quite frankly after 12 years, he doesn't want to scare his daughter away by being pushy either, we are walking a very fine tight rope here and are trying to do what is best without hurting any one.

He (and his mom) have been buying her savings bonds the whole time (since she was born) she just does not have access to them (not even sure she knows about them) and will receive them when she turns 18. It is funny how, when I add that he doesn't pay child support, some people blam him for not supporting her when he had no idea where she even was from the ages of 3-12, her mother left the country with their daughter and my husband gets pinned as the bad guy.

Answer 1

$300 is quite excessive! I do like your idea of a $150 bond though. It makes her wait AND like you said, her mother can't touch it.

Maybe then she'll learn about the value of money.

Answer 2

I think you both need to talk this out because even though it's his daughter it's both of your money! If you were to send her this much money next time its going to be more. It will always be more. I would get her a gift myself, or the bond is a good idea but either way she's going to be mad that she didn't get what she wanted so be prepared for that.

I understand that the mother said she didn't want child support but I still think your husband should have been doing something to support her. Even if it was just putting a little money in an interest bearing account for her college or when she turns 18. The mother was stupid to give up child support and I think it looks bad that the father did not do anything for the child. I don't see why just because he didn't know where she was he couldn't have at least put some money in the bank for her. But like I said, the mother was pretty stupid to give up the support. I wouldn't do that.

Answer 3

I would just ask her what she would spend the money on or what she has in mind to buy with the money then just say I'll go and buy those things or thing for you. If she doesn't give you any idea of what she is gonna do with the money then I would just go and get a mall gift card in what ever amount you want to and give her that. That way she can only spend the money at the mall and it can't go towards anything else as to bills etc. Good luck I know how it is to have a step child and how extra demanding they can be sometimes specially in there teen age years. By the way her mother can cash the savings bond because she is underage I was able to cash my daughters savings bond that was worth $50 and all I had to do was show ID and her SS card. So I don't think that would solve the problem. For those that might think I was greedy for doing so the only reason I did it was because her father just left us and took everything we were just about homeless and she need formula and diapers at the time and no one in my family would help me and welfare/WIC were giving me the run around. So it wasn't like I cashed it to use for my self it all went to her.(desperate times call for desperate measures) I totally agree with you it is every bit your buisness and you can buy mall gift cards online for what ever state she is in. But if you already buy her things and support her camp exspenses than I wouldn't give her any mor than $50-$100 for her B-day that is just out rageous!!

Answer 4

I spend over that on my kids for their birthdays , but that's just me. I would let him call her and ask her on the phone what she was needing to buy , and if she wrote the email. She is getting older and may need clothes ect that her mother wont, or cant afford to buy her.

Does he pay child support? ( i dont agree with child support being used to pay the parents bills) but the courts allow a parent to use child support for housing and vehicle expenses. I know a woman that doesn't work but has 6 kids, ( different dads) her child support pays all the housing and heating and car payments and welfare pays everything Else.

If the mother is wanting the money and you send her things, just remember the mother could be spitefull enough to return it for a cash return

EDIT: If he pays no child support, It doesnt matter she is HIS daughter, He should have a bank account that the money goes into. That way she will have a great start in her life after her mother............

Answer 5

I'm in the same situation, except my step kids live with us. These girls have absolutely no respect but steady ask there dad for everything in the world(I'm not the evil step mom either) they don't do anything around the house. Well they don't do anything!!!! anyways i think a savings bond would be a great idea but just be prepared if the mom loses her home she may come and stay with you, (i also don't know your situation that well) and how can she stop a 15 year old from seeing her dad, that can so go to court! I sure as hell wouldn't give her 300. 00 that is just flippin ridiculous. Honestly i would only give her no more that 50.00 but that's just me. Good luck with all of that really.

Answer 6

I think that if she does want $300 dollars for her b-day. If you can afford it and if possible take her shopping and don't just give her the cash that way you know were it goes. Also it sounds to me like your husband is a pawn in there game. He really needs to make sure he is not being walked all over by them. Your husband needs to establish with her mother that he will not be threatened for doing things for his daughter, like her mother taking away her privilege of talking to him on the phone. Also another Idea for a birthday gift would be a gift card to some where vs. cash. That way it could only be spent there.

Answer 7

Well I agree. There are several things to take into consideration here. Can you afford $300? And the fact you dont spend that kind of money on the other kids. But have you spent more on the other kids when at times you didnt spend on her? I do agree that making sure it really goes to her and not her mother is the way to go with the bond or certificate. Good luck.

Answer 8

I think I would just send her the money- not all of it, but like you said, $100-$150. She probably really does want to spend it on herself, and if money is tight in the household, her mom is probably not buying her the things she wants lately, due to general belt-tightening. If her mom does take it to save the house or truck, then she will be responsible for redeeming herself in the eyes of her daughter. I think the last thing you and your husband should do it look like the "bad guys" in this situation. If you give her the money, she'll be grateful, and if her mom takes it away, she'll be upset with the right person. Good luck!

Answer 9

If you think $300.00 is too much - give her what you think
is right. You could ask her on the phone what that was all about.
If you think mom is standing nearby - just ask her to answer
yes or no.
A good idea if she lives in the same city is to ask her to
go to the mall of her choice and put a few things she would
like on hold for 24 hours and then go and pay for them.
Wrap them up and send them to her.
This won't stop anyone from returning the items and getting
the money but most mom's wouldn't hurt their kids that way.
Another thing is ask her for a wish list.

Answer 10

I agree with you. That amount of money it completely outrageous. I'm 14, going to be 15 in July and if i asked anyone for that kind of money i would never see the light of day again. My parents tell me never to ask for things and always be thankful for what you have. I am and i dont even have a cell phone. This girl is lucky to have you and her father. I also agree with the savings bond idea. That way it goes directly to her, although she wont be able to use it for a while, and hopefully when she is able to use it it will go to something useful.
Good Luck.

Answer 11

yes a saving bond is a good idea, or a gift certificate to her favorite store, or to the mall. i wouldnt give her just straight cash, unless she can give you a reason why she needs it, and then if it is a material thing you could always just buy her that material object. a 15 yr old doesnt need cash of that amount. or i would suggest giving her like 100 in savings bond and maybe 20-50 in cash, taht way she has a little something to spend as she wants. my only reservation on a savings bond is she is not going to appreciate it at all, to her its going to feel like you didnt give anything