wife fallen in love with another?

Question

o.k here goes. My wife and i have been married for 7 years and in the last month she told me she was in love with another man who used to work for me and was a friend of mine. I did not tell her to leave because i believe it i caused by the emotional barriers we have both put up between us and with work we can get through it. She wants to work on self and says she is in love with him and loves me and always will. confusing. I think they may have already had sex and i know they talk about being together and sex and it all. Back ground we had a lot of sex in colleg then none when we got married like once a month or less. i asked she said it was because i was imatrue abouut it and other issues and it was tough to discuss. Then a year after married i was longing for physical touch and got on the internet to do it. on a web cam sight. I felt so bad i told her and then did it once more again and she found out. 6 years nothing else making up for it since. have other data willaddlater

6 years and nothing making up for it. I knew we had issues i mean intimacy and communicatoin but i thought we were getting better slowly. I feel bad because i did it but i am not that man anymore and take good care of her and our baby. I do have a fear of being emotionallly open with her because of how i was raised and feel because of that and my inability to communicate my emotions. i have not been filling her love tank properly. She feels like i should have konw and been able to talk, but if i dont get it she needed to tell me directly she needed more from me. thinks i can read minds i guess. ALso i am in the military so i am gone a lot and back in and out of her life so being around i am not to see the whole picture. I think i am to blame for this as much as her. I would never go and find love else where and am hurt and confused how she could. I am fighting to make it work but because of him in our lives our void grows and i just want to work us to be the couple we can be.

I think she is very confused and does not know what she wants. She wants time to work on her and me on me. I am counseling now and see how unconditionally i love her. I think relationships are very impoortant and deserve a chance and she is being very selfish by letting this other man or pursuing her. She says separation does not lead to divorce but in this case could because of the other man. It is hard to let go when you love something so much.
i love her and have chosen us hope she does. too. I know i caused this void and so did she. i need to share and am doing it now to her but i feel the emotional stiff arm because i want to talk to her heart and feel like she does not want to hear it at all. i hurt but dont want to quit. the grass is not greener on the other side and want her to see it.

i want to make it work. want to give her timme. it hurts but relationships are a lot of work
dont want to give up on my love.
if she ended it with me i would not want to talk to her again and dont think i could be her friend. i would see baby not her if i could.

she did say that over my leave break we should go to counseling to get things out. i hope that is like working on this then that is postive and we can work on us.
I love her so . dont think i could feel that way for anyone else i do think that what i did and she is doing are not the same thing. i feel like because he is new and i am old it matters and obviously i have been too busy and not listened enough to know i needed to open up emotionally I get it now and want to do the work but so far only a little hope from her.

also we have not really told anyone parents that anything is wrong. just we are having issues and not getting along that is it.

good input so far but how much space is too much space for her, and the timing of the ultimatum , him or us has to be right in my opinion

Answer 1

What a mess. First of all, don't go telling anybody about your relationship problems. That will just open the door for them to tell you what to do and will just mess things up even more because depending on who you tell, they are going to be biased in their opinion. Plus some things should just be private between the two of you.
Get the two of you in counselling together and also get separate counselling. You mentioned a baby, but didn't give the age. I'm here to tell you that child birth takes it out of a woman in so many different ways.
They most important thing I have to offer is that she needs to decide if she is willing to fight for her marriage. This means getting rid of the other guy. She will not be able to effectively work on the marriage with this other 'bozo' hanging around. Its not fair to you, your baby or the marriage. If she is not able to this, then I would seriously consider letting her go. She needs to realize that her issues are not w/ you as much as they are about something inside of her. If she doesn't fix them now, they will just resurface again and again whether she is w/ you or some other guy. But this is something you cannot control. That is why you need to get yourself into some indiviual counselling. I know you are hurting and my heart goes out to you. Good LUCK.!

Answer 2

Since she doesn't want to hear it from you I would say writing it all down and leaving for her to read, she obviously at this point is disconnected. From the sound of you letter I would say that you probably hound her with this non stop, give her a break that she is asking for. I don't condone anything either one of you have done, it's out there so don't dewell on it as it can't be changed or taken back. Things definitely can't work with someone else in the picture, this is something that only she can change. I have been in a similar situation with my ex-wife and there is nothing you can do about the other person. Without a doubt go to counseling with her, mine would not go! Many things will be brought to light with the counselor who can help the both of you understand each other better, communication is paramount! Also pick up some books on counseling, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" would be a good start. You will not only learn a lot about yourself, you will learn a lot about how women think and relationships in general. If you love her as you say you do give it your best shot, not to sound harsh (go back and read your question) stop whinning and take care of business. Good luck to you.

Answer 3

I would let her go. The grass is not always greener. I think there are 3 unhappy people here and the baby makes 4. Let her go find her happiness, and you go and find yours. You are not happy in this situation either, so why stand in the way. Eventually you will find the one that is right for you and even if you don't you won't feel like you are sharing. Think of it this way, the faster you can get to the next chapter they happier you will be and this is no situation to bring a child up in.

Answer 4

Your on the right Track ?
You are asking for help.
Print out what you wrote and take it to Dr. and ask for his recommendations for a physiologist. Talk to a best friend and share your thoughts.

Or Email to Dr Phil.

Time to take stock, be strong and move forward.

Good Luck and God Bless.

Paytair

Answer 5

Good grief, find a therapist. What exactly is your question here?