is it so wrong to not want Lobolo paid?

Question

Gosh! I'm tired of people pinning things on culture and being proud of ones culture, when most of these things cant be explained. Am i as a woman an investment on behalf of my folks? This man who is going to marry me, still needs to put me up in a safe and lovely home, support me and our child, pay for the wedding and wedding rings dont come out of lucky packets. He then has other expenses to look to that are unavoidable...
why are they being put under such strain? Cost of living in SA is high enough as it is...

i love you too Fallen!!!! (",)

Thato - people are often mistaken in that department... Lobolo (noun), Lobola (verb)... thats where it differs... (",)

Answer 1

As I understand lobolo is to compensate for the fact that the daughter will not be in the house to look after her parents( I might be way off as well) She is now going to tend to her own household. I do not see how this is still required today as the woman will most probably not move to another village were there is easy contact with her parents.

I also heard a man once say that by the time his daughter reaches marriage he would have spent considerable amounts of time and money on her(not only for woman boys also cost a fortune to raise). Is the man who is marrying her now going to take this for granted?

My limited knowledge of lobolo and with certain scenario I have encountered in the last couple of years, i get the idea that the original intention of lobolo does not exist any more, how can it then be a cultural thing as the meaning have changed completely. Sorry but I feel that in a lot of cases there is no thought of the well being of the daughter but rather about the gain for the parents.

Answer 2

The questions you raise are very valid. The problem with traditions such as Lobola is that they come into being because the environment from which they are born remained stable for an extended period of time. People fall into habits that become so ingrained that they may well be threatened with expulsion from their group/society when those traditions are questioned.

Changing them is therefore quite difficult because there is peer pressure from others who follow the tradition and this is opposed by the pressure of reality, such as all the financial implications you have listed. In most cases reality eventually overcomes the traditional trappings.

I therefore don't think it is wrong to not want to pay Lobola, because logically, we are in an environment where trafficking in people, which is really what it boils down to, the family get's their return on the investment in the girl child and the money paid could be used to make life better for the couple all add up to make one question the societal habbit. In fact I believe it is extremely important to question traditions at least every 100 years or so.

Whether it is wrong to not pay Lobola is something you have to decide when you actually are on the block. Will the backlash of not following the tradition outweigh the stress it will put on you personally? That will be different for everyone involved but, in the end, when one looks at most western cultures all these traditional types of traditions eventually become less and less prevalent as the members of those communities strive to become westernized.

Answer 3

Innocentia: it is a bit of a tricky one I'd say. For me, we agreed that we will do the lobola-ring thing for us. But our kids have the right to choose if they want to do through it or not. But then, my mother was very kind. She said, iLobolo is a gift from the groom's family to the bride's family. Thus, it doesn't have to be something exorbitant or outrageous. So, it came from his heart, what he wanted to give to my mom. Another thing that has been done in most families is, if the groom's family is asked for the full lobolo, then he doesn't pay for the wedding. Or they might say, don't pay anything (Lobolo-wise) but pay for all the wedding costs. Sounds fair to me.

The part I don't get is when the poor man has to go buy his future brother-in-law a Nike tracksuit, his future sister-in-law a suit from Jenni Button. That was just crazy, I've seen it a few times. Some people from emafamu called it 'suburb rituals'. He he he.

Answer 4

There is more to lobola than money. It is about two families coming together; and the money is just like a gift from the man's family to the woman's parents to show in that small way the appretiation for having brought up a wife for the man.

Answer 5

Hi girl am sorry to respond now, and it's lobola not lobolo. Anyway, look it's part of who we are, and I know that's rich coming from me, but am just thinking about it. And I think it's important to understand first what it means to be lobola'd (if there is such a word) as a woman, and what it means for a man to pay lobola for his bride. Look I think that it's important for you and Bug to follow in the footsteps of your ancestors and your tradition on. Tradition and culture a basically your backbone, your core, they define who you are when you go out into the big wide world of ours, they are your origin, with them you would not be here. Am not saying you should be indebted to tradition, I'm saying embrace and be proud of who you are, where you come from, your heritage. We are africans and this (lobola) is one of our beliefs, for the right reasons of course. I think there are some people who have taken this tradition of ours and turned it into a money making scheme. For I believe these special traditions were made for a special reason, for the right reasons. I'm not saying bug should take out a riculous amount, but you need to be lobola'd (I love my new word) you are afterall an african princess.

Answer 6

I understand where you are coming from and do agree that some girl's parents do tend to use the whole thing as a means to get wealthy. Lobola, according to my understanding is meant to be a token of appreciation, definately not an investment return. I talked to my parents about and they too agree that it is an unncessary burden... I guess us woman have to learn to talk to our parents and things will eventually change

Answer 7

Don't really know what to say, but that's deep baby. I love you, Fallen

Answer 8

somehow the fact that a woman's worth is equated to how many cows her husband has to pay for her makes me wonder if south africa is realy growing or moving on.....