Should I divorce my husband?

Question

My husband and I separated over a year ago we have 2 kids - about 7 months ago he said he loved only me and wanted marriage we went to counselling. In January I received in the mail an anonymous note saying ask your husband about this baby picture attached My husband now tells me he had a one night stand/drunk and yes has a baby 4 months of age. Didn't tell me because he couldnt face telling me and how this would affect our marriage he says he only loves me and this was a mistake and the guilt and burden has been killing him and now he understands if i want a divorce - he pays child support when he can and takes responsibility for the baby (visits 1-2 days per week). I am still in shock and dont know how to deal with this. I have now said the relationship is over we continue the coparenting of our children. He says he understands and that he hates himself for what he has done to the marriage/he feels sick about it. He seems to have given up. I do love him -is this too much damage done?

Answer 1

It's a question, that only you can answer.
You need to find out what its all about.

Answer 2

OK, if ever there was a case of "Where angels fear to tread" this has got to be it !

I wouldn't normally dream on commenting, or advising, on other people's relationships. No-one knows the slightest thing about this most intimate of human experiences except the two people involved. Secondly, with due respect to the questioner, we are asked to comment/advise without seeing both sides of the story, would this apparently faithless spouse tell us the same ? I doubt it.

So........having weaseled myself out of too much liability, I would like to point out this little detail that no-one in the long list replies above seems to have covered.

The mother of this alledged 'other' offspring has shown by her actions that she is a very malicious person, the manner of the contact from her to the questioner makes clear that her only intent was to cause pain and grief to both the questioner, her husband, and their entire family. What kind of person does this ?

I would suggest that this kind of person may well have entrapped the husband into the liason, anybody seen "Fatal Attraction" ? Having been through just such a scenario, I can understand that there are people out there who will premeditatedly do such things. In legal terms this may not exactly be an alibi, but it could certainly amount to strong mitigation. Has anyone actually taken the time to confirm that the newborn is actually progeny of this man, he alledgedly partook of this 'brief encounter', and everyone is quick to jump in with 'judgement' of his actions, what about those of the 'other woman', where were her motives and 'morals' in all this ?

We males are driven by a very simple form of programming, and I am afraid that whether society likes it or not, we are susceptible to the charms of the 'siren'. I cannot recall just how many times over the years, that when I have been in a perfectly stable, solid realationship, others, even my partner's closest 'friends', have made their interest known, on one occasion even the local village vicar's wife ! Yes, I can hear the righteous indignation chorus leaping to their feet as I write, but this is no secret, look up a little song published a few years ago called "Harper Valley PTA" !

( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harper_Valley_PTA )

As one of the greatest teachers of all time once said, " Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone ".

There is so much at stake here, and both parties have expressed continuing love, maybe continuing the counselling isn't a lost cause ?

Answer 3

I was always told, never give advice to married people. But my advice to you is follow your head and heart. Only you know what you can tolerate in this situation. You have to ask yourself these questions. If you and your husband have been seperated for over a year, have you been with him sexually in that time period? Have you been with anyone else in that period? The guilt and burden you can throw in the garbage, because "I" don't believe that.
As far as the one night stand goes, people really don't do that anymore. Furthermore if it was a one night stand, why didn't he use a condom? It was probably someone he knew and, of course still knows, they went out and under the influence of alcohol, they allowed things to happen. ( Usually there is some attraction there before alcohol was even a factor). Now alcohol is the excuse in this case and it's really something that was brewing between him and her within that year. Clue 1. If this was a one night stand how would this person know to send you a note to your address. One night stands are not privilege to this information from anyone. Clue 2. Ask yourself if you had a one night stand would you tell him where you lived or give him your address?
Reassess the situation, the facts, and your instincts and base your decision on those factors.

Answer 4

You ask if there is too much damage done. I'm going to ask you to look at where the damage was done. Regardless of the reason for separation, the two of you had two children together and a responsibility to get help immediately, putting them first. So I really can't lay a whole lot of blame because whatever happened, happened in the heat of the separation and is a consequence of it. Separating was a bad move for both of you, and any result of this bad move isn't a reason to divorce. It practically threw him at whoever was cruising around out there. Whatever you think you're entitled to, he's only human and you're both going to have to face up to how lost he felt at the time. Do you think he shouldn't have had any feelings about that? Do you think he wasn't hurt by it? Don't kid yourself--the separation hurt him, left him adrift and put him in a very vulnerable position. Yes, he's given up. The only thing that will get him back is if you swallow your pride and start fighting to get him back. That's when you'll find out what love really means. Or not.

Answer 5

Well people do make mistakes.
We r only human.
But this is really a question that you r the only one how can answer it.
You don't know if it was a really one night stand.
And if it was.
Isn't it a little bit strange the thing that the woman did.
She sleeps with him only 4 a night is gets pregnant and she kips the baby?????!!!!!!|
Isn't this a little bit strange????
I don't think it was only 4 a night.
I think he had a relationship.
Ask 4 a DNA test. And then listen 2 ur heart.
Will u be able to forgive him?
Only you know.
I hope all the best.
You deserve 2 b happy.
And your children much much more.
If this baby is his child ur children need to know this new brother.
Don't make the mistake to use the baby brother/sister for your own purposes.
It's there brother/sister, and there is nothing that you can do about it.
Try to make there relationship good, and try to make them love there new little brother/sister.

Answer 6

Yes, you should divorce him. The trust is broken and lives are forever changed due to his actions. Sometimes, even when you love someone, you have to do what it takes for everyone's best interest. Your emotional well being is at stake. He didn't tell you about the baby because he had an affair before you two separated. Even though he's being responsible for his actions now, getting back with him is not a good idea. That baby will be in his life forever and will be a constant reminder of the hurt you experienced. Eventually, you may have to explain to your kids why they have a younger sibling when mom and dad weren't divorced. Let him deal with his own demons.

Answer 7

It's really all up to you isn't it? If you can find it in your heart to forgive him for the mistake he has made then do so. There is no law that says you HAVE to forgive him and no law to say you don't.
You say you still love him, well that's a very good start. I very much doubt if your husband is a drunken filanderer, with a girl on every street corner. A mistake is a mistake and if you can forgive him for that mistake then do.
Talking will help you both through this. Calm rational thought is called for here, not arguments at 2am, slamming doors and screaming at each other.
I think deep down you have forgiven him and now you are wondering how your marriage will pan out. Well only you have control over that now. Talk to him and get him to talk to you.
It's the ONLY way.

Answer 8

To be very honest and straight with you its not for any of us to judge, it's up to you if you feel you could TRUST and FORGIVE what he has done (and may or may not do again), not only to you but also to your children together. I will say if my husband done this on me and our children the no I wouldn't want him back because I couldn't trust him. When either partner strays when ''drunk'' they obviously had some need to do this because no matter how drunk someone is they still know they are married with a family. I understand you are still in love with him but what happens if there is an argument some time in the future and your children hear accusations being threw at their father. This is a very sensitive subject, but if it was me, then I would be at the Divorce Court quicker than he could say one night stand.


I really wish you and your future every happiness you deserve it.

Good Luck

Answer 9

This must be a lot to handle! I would suspect that anything can be forgiven, but you have to do what is right for you. No one can tell you what is the best way. Only you have to decide what is best for you and your children. My wife and I went through a tuff time where we split up. I didn't want a divorce, and as it turned out neither did she. So we worked it out. But we both did some damaging things to our relationship. We have both forgiven each other, and have made a lot of progress. But, you have to ask yourself, why did he never confess about having another child? Does he maybe have sex addiction? Have him go to a couselor and seek recovery if necessary. Don't enter back into the realtionship until he has made serious progress. If he really wants the relationship to last, he will do whatever it takes. But in the mean time, you should go see a counselor on your own. Focus on yourself and work on making yourself healthier first. Then see how things work out.

Answer 10

This is a sticky situation. While you may still love him, the fact that he cheated on you should be blinking in front of you like a giant neon sign. And if you do get back together, there will be so much emotional baggage-you will have trouble ever trusting him to be faithful again. Also, think about the akwardness, when you meet the love child/the mother. I believe that the damage is done, that there is too much of it. I would recommend, to show that you DO still care, an amicable divorce to the best extent possible, and joint custody of your children. Also, for the sake of your children, maybe agree that you will Thanksgiving/Xmas dinner together every year, so tat your children can still get a sense of a normal family relationship (That is, of course, only if you two don't bicker). I hope for the best for you and your family. God Bless.

Answer 11

You stand to be in a very complicated marraige after this, even more then how complicated your life will be after the divorce. You will have to deal and eventually get along with a child that you don't share with him rather he shares with another woman, even if they are not together. He now has to share his money with you and with hi baby momma, I highly doubt you could stand for all that as being his woman. Also remember, you may be able to forgive but you will never forget.

I say to take the cruel but pain saving route of just getting it over with. I know he may love you and you love him enough that you are asking on Yahoo! Answers on how to deal with this, but now is the time to start the long painstaking getting over it.

I have been a cheating man, I gave up realizing the same thing and didn't want to put my ex through that, even though there was not another's child involved. We get along fine now, sharing the responsibility of our daughter. Everything worked for the best, both remarried to new spouses, and happy.