This is what I have written of a story so far. I know it needs editing and I know I have switched tenses a couple of times..but besides that..tell me what you think...Here is the story.
2007-03-05 15:02:05 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
Sometimes I think the whole world has gone crazy, but then again maybe it's just me. Everyone wishes for the perfect life. Some people get it, I'm not one of those people. I was sitting on a plane as it soared over the glistening water of the vast Atlantic. London, England is where I was headed. To live with my dad whom I had visited every summer since I was four years old. I'd been to London every summer for thirteen years. I love London, I truly do, but it just isn't the place for me. I don't feel like I will ever get my perfect life, or my happily ever after there. The busy streets, the brain-racketting noises, they're great. Except you get used to them, maybe even too used to them. I really didn't know what to expect in London though I had been there for a month, every year, for thirteen years. Even though it seemed like I had it all worked out in my mind, London was so different from Phoenix.
2007-03-05 15:02:21 · update #1
I'd have to say I'm in the 7-8 range, too. It has a nice flow and you can hear her voice, which is exactly what you want. My mind is jumping around wondering...did her mother die? Why does she have to LIVE in London? And it is very different from Phoenix, certainly. I've been both places and it's almost night and day just in scenery. That's why I agree with the second comment made, too - drop a bit of a bomb - make us want to know this girl and whatever she is headed into. Is she afraid? Did something happen on a previous trip? Are there family members there (step?) that she doesn't get along with? Is it just a feeling she can't shake? You may have this in your head already, and I'm probably asking mostly for myself. Just pique the reader's interest. Keep on going. Sounding good...
2007-03-05 16:55:23 · answer #1 · answered by Isthisnametaken2 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Content, 10, grammar 8. Some of your sentences are a bit choppy and one or two aren't complete sentences. You will need more action as the story develops, but this is a great introduction.
Keep working and keep the grammar issues in mind when you edit. Don't worry too much about it until then, or you will get bogged down and not finish the writing part.
2007-03-06 03:11:25 · answer #2 · answered by kiera70 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'd give it a seven. Personally, I like the short sentences you use. However, in a short space you repeat things (for instance, the character's been to London 13 times) a few too many times for me.
2007-03-06 08:02:00 · answer #3 · answered by Ruth E 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
5
It's very choppy, you have too many periods. Try and combining sentences, it makes it sound much more natural and flows much nicer, as well as being easier to read.
It also reads like every other story of its kind, where's the draw, the interest? Why should someone keep reading your story after this? Not trying to be mean, just giving constructive criticism.
2007-03-06 04:51:14 · answer #4 · answered by Dan A 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's perfectly OK to switch tenses in this case because this is first person narrative - a 13 yr old talking. That sounds how you would speak. I rate it an 8 - keep writing.
2007-03-05 23:08:57 · answer #5 · answered by Persiphone_Hellecat 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i rate it a 7. it needs more action than talk somthing to wow about. its a great beginning
2007-03-05 23:36:38 · answer #6 · answered by prego lemur <3 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋