Would this be considered rape?

Question

It was a long time ago, but I've always wondered if this is partially the reason I have a hard time with sexual intimacy with my husband. My first "boyfriend" was when I was 19. We lived on the same floor of our dorm. I'd never done anything with a guy before and he was kind of experienced (even though he was younger). About a week after "going out" he wanted to have sex. I said no I wasn't ready, we hadn't been together very long, and I also told him I didn't have any protection. That same night we were at a party, we were drinking (18 is legal) or at least I was, and I was never a big drinker so it didn't take much, he said he wanted to talk to me, so I went with him to his room. I remember him kissing me and other stuff, and the next thing I new I was in excrutiating pain and we were having sex. He did tons of positions, I cried after. He talked to me the next day, but I broke up with him soon after because he liked my friend. Was it rape?

I started questioning if it was rape years ago when I was in a psychology class and they said if someone took advantage of you when you were under the influence of something it was considered rape. Until then I'd just thought it was a terrible experience. I cried because I was upset it had happened that way, he did use protection. I don't blame myself, but I wonder if it's why my husband complains that I don't "make love" with him, that it's just sex. This I have only just started thinking about because our sex life is struggling and I'm wondering if this is part of the reason.

I have no interest in pressing charges, and I harbor no hard feelings towards him, it was a long time ago. My only concern is the efftect it may be having on my life now. I wonder if this is the reason I find sex painful? I don't know if I said no that night, but I had said no that day, and I know I didn't say yes!

Answer 1

In my opinion, yes. Just because a drug is legal (like alcohol) doesn't make it ethical to utilize that drug to knowingly get an unwilling partner to give in. And if your description is accurate, that's exactly what he did.

And in my opinion, it's good to acknowledge that so you can start to let go of it. It would be a true tragedy if you and your husband suffer because of one unethical person in your past. Accept what happened to you, then start letting go of it. It's not your fault that someone you trusted took advantage of the situation for his own selfish ends. Remember, a real man wants the woman he's with to want him too, and wants the woman he's with to enjoy the sex as much as he does. And I bet that's what your husband wants. If he's unaware of the situation, perhaps you could let him know what happened and he can help you work through it.

And one thing you probably need is validation for your feelings of being victimized. You certainly have that validation from me. The guy raped you, and it wasn't your fault. You told him no; he took advantage of you when you were under the influence of a drug knowing that your answer was no. That's rape.

Answer 2

It was rape and you were the victim. It sounds like you have closed down your own swxuality as a result because you were not ready before it happened and in your mind that was the end of the process and you feel that you can now never be ready.
Have you ever spoken to your husband about this? Remember that your husband is your best friend and should be supportive of the psychological problems you are experiencing. Maybe talking to him will mean that you would have some support in sorting out your emotional problem and also help you unload some of the pain you still carry.
Remember, you are a victim and nothing you did means that anything that happened is your fault. I know that you intellectually believe this but emotionally you don't and think only why did I drink, why didn't I stop him, why did I go to the party etc. Stop it!
The only questions are why did he rape me and why do I feel guilty?

Answer 3

if you did not consent.....then you were raped. Yes this could be the reason that you are having a hard time be intimate with your husband. It is probably because you are viewing sex as dirty, since this took place.....but it is not, that is what you need to tell yourself....that it is not dirty....I don't know if you are having any flash back to the incident or not while you are being intimate with your husband.....if so then you need to see a psychologist, who can help you work through this. If you have no intentions of pressing charges, and you do not wish to rehash it, then don't.....but if you do want to then do that as well....it is all up to you. I do believe that you are going to eventually have to tell your husband about this, how he will take it is unknown.

The pain you are feeling during sex could come from different things such as, an infection (below), tilted cervix, cyst or tumors, etc. I would suggest that you speak to your gyn about this. If it is more of the tilted cervix....then you are going to have to find the position that works for you.

Best wishes to you

Answer 4

First, it is not rape merely because a person is drunk. Do you have any idea how many people go out to bars, drink, pick up complete strangers, and have sex? They’re not all committing rape.

It is certainly possible for it be considered rape IF the person is so drunk they are competently incapable of consenting (or resisting). But a person would have to be EXTREMELY drunk to reach that point.

Which brings us to the consent issue--did you say ‘no’? Did you resist in anyway during the act? Saying ‘no’ that day is irrelevant. Did you say ‘no’ that night? And not saying ‘yes’ is irrelevant. Many women don’t scream ‘yes’ when they’re having sex (although some do ;).

At any rate, it does sound like maybe you need some help dealing with this. I’d suggest you seek some.

Answer 5

It probably would be considered rape, however, u did go willingly but not for that reason, regardless, I'd say that experience definately will effect your intimacy with other partners. Which is ashame because sex should be a physical experience of the emotional love between you and your partner...not a hurtful forceable action...sorry, please try and get past this, even if you need professional help, you deserve to experience the joys of intimacy.

Answer 6

Sweetie it is and was rape you can look at it in both ways or many angles but it will still be rape. What you need to do is talk to your husband and tell him all the things that scares you, esp. the fear of loosing control. I know how you feel cause it happened to me a few years ago, but I was already a mother when it happened and believe me it ruined my life, I never told my husband at first, I tried to be strong, I tried to be tough but deep inside I was falling apart. don't let this ruin your relationship, if your husband loves you he will stand by you,
I can feel bad for you but I can't because I believe that it wasn't your fault and mine as well. Now I can look at it as my path that god gave me to see how strong I can be even though that I lost my way for a while,but now I can put my head up and I forgave those men that hurt me and I embrace my new life now. Please do yourself a big favor, if you talk to your husband , also talk to someone that will listen to you and will not judge you. And if you want some ear to listen to you I will be here because it happened to me as well, who knows we might end up crying at the same time,...please be safe and try to be happy!!

Answer 7

Meh, I think Your problems with Your husband are the results of Your first sexual contact, which by Your own words was an "excruciating pain" and HE WAS HAVING SEX - NOT YOU!
Unfortunately, sometimes that basic reaction dip in Your brain controls all what You do.It takes a lot of effort to get over it, and I would recommend You to talk with your husband about it.He can be the biggest support You can get in this situation. And Your ex - he deserves to share the same rope with Saddam.

Answer 8

I'd have to agree with the consensus. If you didn't say yes, you were raped. Since it was so long ago, you might have difficulty dealing with the feelings you have after finally acknowledging what happened to you and you might want to seek counseling for some helpful insight. Good luck.

Answer 9

I wish your first experience could have been completely different. Unfortunately, hundreds of thousands of women have experienced unwanted sexual situations. I believe when you have endured unwanted sex it makes a difference. I hope your husband takes the time to find out what makes you feel good and what doesn't. Communication is very important! Talk to your husband, give him direction. Make him understand how important it is to allow you to relax and be accepting to make love, gently. Maybe he is to rough? Love making takes great communication. I hope to have helped a little, GOOD LUCK!!!

Answer 10

Rape comes down to whether it was consentual or not. It is evident you said no at other times, but who knows what you said after you and him were making out drunk. If this does cause intimacy problems now, you should definately talk them out with a trained phsycologist.