What do think is the reason?

Question

why there are sexless marriages where a spouse has to beg another spouse to have sex? I think it's because when children come along couples spend more time being parents and no time being lovers.

It takes no creativity in being a parent. Babies need food, clean clothers, diapers. Pretty simple By the time they are in school, ther schedule is made. School and soccer practice or violin lessons. But it's not that easy being a lover. That takes an imagination, creativity, and patience. Most people don't put any effort into being a lover because it's a lot easier being a parent. And most people hide behind their parental roles because they no longer know how to be a lover.
What are your thoughts.

rtanys....Been married 14 years. With 4 children.

Answer 1

I have to totally agree with you on this one bud. The sad part is that most moms do spend more time with and on thier kids instead of investing the time and love into their marriage and spouse. Then people wonder why couples become strangers and grow apart as the kids grow up. That is why alot of times when the kids are up and gone older couples end up divorcing because they have not invested time inot their marriage and spouse and it is like living with a stranger and someone they do now know. It is not easier being a parent at all. they just choose this over their spouse and marriage and that is just wrong. Lets put it this way. Your kids grow up and leave and yes you should invest in their lives as they grow up BUT you also need to love each other and invest time and love in your marriage as well and put this above the kids as your spouse will not up and leave you at 18 and you are to be married to them til death do you part. I totally agree with everything you are saying here. You go! This is a great question and makes me think. Being a good parent takes time and learning and dedication BUT marriage also takes as hard of work and learning as well. I think that once a week or even every other week you should hire a sitter and have a night out or in with just your spouse and have alone time together.

http://www.drphil.com

http://www.marriagetoday.org

Answer 2

I think being a parent requires tons of creativity - how to trick her into napping, how to get that lighter away from her (joking, of course), etc. Keeping your sex life exciting, that requires tons of creativity.
I'm a wife who wishes she had a better sex life. My husband works shift work (always has, but just lately I've noticed it's partially the reason we're not doing it as often), I work full time days. My daughter goes to bed at 7 each night and sleeps until I wake her around 8. Why aren't we doing it? I have no idea. No, we won't wake her, her bedroom's on the other side of the house, no he's not cheating, I know where he is all the time and he's with friends who are loyal to both of us, no, neither of us is less attractive than we were when we met. He has a sex drive, it's just not with me. When we do it it's SO boring (I don't let him know that, of course) because it's always the same thing despite my wanting to try different things. Honestly, I think it has more to do with him just being comfortable in the relationship, knowing he has it here if he decides he wants it, and he feels he doesn't have to work at it. I don't think it would be any different if we had no children or 12 children...I'd still be completely bored in the bedroom!!

Answer 3

It is easy to blame having children as the reason for a sexless marriage.But that isn't the reason.

Consider the following:
Having children does drain a person's available energy. Especially when a child is young. It is more than just feeding them or changing diapers. If that is what you see a child as ...then you are simplifying the process of being a parent as the same as flipping burgers. There is emotional investment too

I do however believe that not wanting sex can be for other reasons... like disliking a person, depression, low self esteem, medical issues. Or even sexual hangups.

I suggest asking the person why they don't want sex. Even if you don't find out the real reason easily, it may help to show interest.

I had a husband once that never wanted sex. He went from occasional to never once married. He made lots of excuses. But the fact was that he had a hangup on sex. He thought it was dirty (he also washed his hands constantly)....eventually I gave up. But believe me...I thought it was lots of things. Maybe he really was gay. I don't know. I gave up and left him.

Explore the reasons don't blame.

Answer 4

I think there are lots of reasons. My wife and I are working on a compromise...I want it all the time, she's had a lack of desire since she got pregnant (baby is 7mos old) and since we found out we've done it a total of 4 times (all in the last 2mos). (I'm sort of working under the assumption that in 80% of cases the man wants it more) I think there is an unreasonable expectation of men by some that they will continue to "woo" their spouse 24/7 if they want sex. Some women feel that men place too much importance, that it is a want, not a need. But it is a need, as much as communication is a need. It's a big way men feel acceptance from their spouse. Some women feel that they can replace this with other things, giving attention in other ways, but this would be like giving somebody food to quench their thirst. I think that in the ideal relationship, we should want to fulfill all of each others needs, and yes, the partner who doesn't "feel like it" should give the other the attention they deserve.

Answer 5

I think you are totally wrong, but you really express yourself well. The best thing couples can do is to keep their relationship alive and healthy, FOR their children, so the kids see great role models of what a happy marriage is. A couple needs to nurture their relationship sometimes before the kids (and I don't mean ignoring their physical needs or anything), because it's important that the marriage stays intact and balanced, loving and lusty.
My husband and I made sure we worked hard to keep our marriage going and growing, and it has. The kids are much better off for it.

Answer 6

Truly spoken like someone with no kids. Being a parent is the most challenging, most difficult, and most demanding job anyone will ever have. It's no mystery that marital relationships can go by the wayside. You have to want it bad and make each other a priority. It's not easy, but not impossible.

Answer 7

I think your statement is very true.My husband and I are dis functional in some other areas but not in the sex department.This is the best part of our relationship and I think it is because we do not use sex as a weapon or punishment.We do not deny each other this pleasure and it also serves as a way for us to stay connected.

Answer 8

I think it's because they stop doing things that keep each other interested in one another: grooming, manners, fitness, confidence, finding out new things about each other (because they stop growing somewhat), bad attitudes, annoying habbits, they forget simple intimacy, etc.

You can blame it on the kids if you want to displace it, but it can happen without kids, and it does all the time. The popular term is "take each other for granted".

Answer 9

what on earth? it is so much easier being a lover then it is being a parent!! it's having kids that don't know how to pick the locked door that makes it hard!

Answer 10

Sex-less marriage

I can give you a few reasons. Drugs, ( not at home.) Impotence not being able to.

The beg thing is above all "self evident." She / he has a partner you are not aware of.