What do u think of the poem? i need 2 enter it into writing contest?

Question

not done with it yet. 6th grade contest what do u say? any suggestions?

The Cereal Killer

Pacing the street with a milk-stained chainsaw,
He shows obvious resemblance of a cereal killing outlaw.
This so-called killer scares cornflakes out of their wits,
He has a reputation of blowing breakfast cereal to bits.

When he is in town
The cereals don’t fool around.
They follow the “Code Red” drill
To make sure they don’t get killed.

Sunny Cuckoo, Coco Puff has met him once before,
Sunny is the one you should feels sorry for.
He just isn’t the same, poor old Coco Puff,
Let’s just say he’s had it quite rough.

Tony the Tiger had an unfortunate fate,
He had tried to run one minute too late.
People say his last words were naught but a purr.
And rumor says he’s now just a coat of fur.

And Lucky Charms is not as fortunate as he seems for
He was among those whose story ended with blood and gore.
Lucky was never an intelligent chap,
Therefore he waltzed straight into a trap.

Answer 1

This is a very good poem. You are very talented and the subject is humorous (in a morbid sort of way). I have a few suggestions you can consider.

First stanza, 2nd line - Change "obvious resemblance" to "the countenance"; Try to use Alpha-Bits in the last line.
Second stanza - "Code Red" might be too obscure a reference and not be understood by everyone (think "Judges!")
Fourth stanza, 2nd line - "Trying to run one "Grrrreat" minute too late." I really like the use of the word "naught".
Fifth stanza, last line - Lucky is Irish so he should jig, not waltz - "And he Irish Jigged straight into a trap!"

Good luck in the contest.

Answer 2

between the hassle-unfastened concepts of inventive writing training is this: instruct do no longer tell. of course each and every little thing in a inventive writing class, each and every little thing in language is meant to be broken, yet instruct do no longer tell, is extremely solid suggestion. permit me provide an occasion, that's telling: He replaced into an previous guy. that's exhibiting: He replaced into wrinkled and hunched over. exhibiting is concrete, telling is precis. exhibiting supplies the reader a sparkling photograph. ok, sufficient. Now approximately your poems, i think of all of them have considerate and poignant subject concerns. the 1st one is with the help of a techniques the suitable. the 1st one exhibits, it would not tell like something of them. talk is often exhibiting. i think of that poem is extremely solid, in simple terms rewrite the final 2 strains or delete them. i think of it could be extra effective to end with intense college is.... and you fill in that sparkling. case in point, intense college is a canine whose caught its tail. the different poems have a techniques too plenty telling, i won't be able to fairly see what you're writing. Make me SEE. besides, to your opposition bypass with poem extensive variety a million and study it slowly.

Answer 3

Wow - it's good... especially like the naught but a purr line!!

Answer 4

"People say his last words were naught but a purr." is naught supposed to be not? jw.

It was great! I loved it! Hope you win something.

Answer 5

Well you need to talk to someone. Angry much? Also your poem has no conclusion.

Answer 6

This is great stuff. Better than what I can do for sure!

Answer 7

its a good poem and funny! finish it and email me the rest. [e-mail]

Answer 8

i would be careful posting ur poetry online..anyone cant take it and write it as their own..