Does my husband even want me anymore?

Question

I'm 28, he's 26. Married almost 3 years, together over 5, have an almost 2yr old. Before getting married, things were pretty good in the bedroom, then I got pregnant and hormones and all, but after healing after having my daughter things went back to mostly normal. I got back down to my pre-baby body and then some, I look like I did when we got married. I'm not as attracted to him, but I think that's because I feel like his parent sometimes, too. I know he loves me but whenever I approach him about sex he rejects me. Then he complains about not getting any and says I never start anything. Basically this means we haven't "been together" in almost 3 weeks, and this is becoming a pattern. He isn't cheating, I know other people find me attractive, otherwise we get along fine, he's not too tired (he can stay up playing video games for hours or go out with his friends), there's no medical reason. I know I can still get him "excited", but why doesn't he want to be with me anymore?

I should mention I'm the one always wanting to try new things, he likes the good old missionary... He turns me down whenever I start doing stuff, it's not like I just sit there waiting for it.

I'm on the pill, but he actually wants me to get pregnant again, he talks about it all the time (maybe I never explained well enough how babies are made). Even when I take charge....nothing...

Yes, we've talked about it like reasonable adults outside the bedroom, no he won't go to counselling, he doesn't think we have any problems. He thinks it's just me.

Answer 1

He's one of the guys, who's satified, once he knows he has you. Cut him off? And see if it shakes things up. It won't do any worse? and you may get a whole new outlook out of him. Good Luck!

Answer 2

There are a lot of things that can lead to this temporary "moving away emotionally". My wife and I have gone through many ebbs and flows and space is sometimes needed by one when the other really is uncomfortable giving it. Sex changes over time, also. How busy are you? How busy is he? How is the parenting going? The stress a two year old brings on each parent is tremendous. And now, when he needs a break from being a parent, which is totally healthy, he may need a break from all family all together. Because you are his real, loving wife, you are not an escape from reality like video games. I recently sold my XBox to get have some money for clothes, thinking, OK this will make me be more productive in my life, and I truly regret it, as it was an escape from life. . . which we all need. Remember, its OK to talk about things, if both you and your husband present an attitude that doesn't put the other on the defensive. If you talk about it, remember to state "I feel" or "I am feeling" and not "You are . . ." keep to your own feelings, don't place blame, because then you will not get to the bottom of what the true reason he is taking a break from intimacy. Believe me, hun, three weeks is not a long time for a lot of people. My wife and I have gone a couple of months, and when we realized how much we missed it, we enjoyed it that much more. I am amazed sometimes at how much leash my wife has given me in the past. But the bottom line was that she trusted me, and very rarely did she present insecurity, but she did have to remind me that she was my wife and needed to go out on a date with me, when it had been a while. Do make sure he knows your feelings, without putting too much pressure on him. Bottom line is, he loves you, and he will want to make you happy -- he just is currently having a hard time showing it for whatever reason. Good luck! - Ashley

Answer 3

You are not the only one in this situation. It happens to a lot of married couples. Initially, sex had one purpose only: the survival of the species. The modern man turned it into an industry and encouraged us to have lots of sex for only one reason: so some of us can make more money. Sex always sells. Now, we are trapped between the instinct (we are parents, we accomplished our mission, we take it easy in as far as our sexual life is concerned) and the image of a "healthy couple", which implies lots of sex. You too are under the influence of this cliche, but I'd say that three weeks is a little bit too much.
Advice (you can ignore it): be happy when you are around him, without faking it. Put on some clothes that are make you attractive in a decent way (and in the way that you know he'll be attracted by). Look relaxed, confident, independent, full of life, young and ready to fulfill his fantasies in the bedroom. If you do it properly, he'll fall in love with you again and you can even start a new sex life, more beautiful and full of satisfactions. We, men, also like to feel that we have a strong, healthy, confident woman as our partner for life.

Answer 4

You are dealing with a couple problems. You guys have gone from carefree teens to young, married, parents. Try to relax. You guys are just a little bit crazy right now. Happens to every parent. Also, your husband is dealing with not being a kid any more. It's a shock to realize you are a grown up. He also may be having trouble with the idea that his hot girlfriend is now a mother. But, if you guys are not having sex for weeks at a time, the problems are more serious. You need to work on this NOW!!!!! It's just not normal or reasonable. At this stage of your lives, it's supposed to be the baby that makes it difficult to have sex, not disinterest.

Answer 5

Sounds to me as if your both misunderstanding each other. He says you don't initiate anything, and you say you do.. My point here is I'm thinking you are initiating when he is in the midst of a video game, and he's not paying attention to your moves. Then when he comes to bed your tired or almost asleep and you two aren't connecting because of the mis-communication.
Next point is how do you know he isn't cheating? Are you sure he is just with friends? Don't want to plant a seed in your head, but that definitely is something I would check into, before I would assume he isn't cheating. If he's definitely not, then he sounds as if he is just too interested in Video games and other forms of entertainment than sex. Which you two need to talk about, and work out between you.

Answer 6

Sounds like my life story. Your husband doesn't want you to give him the green light for sex, he wants you to run right through his red light. Next time he's playing video games (and the baby is sleeping) surprise him by playing with his ears or neck or whatever and then just throw him down on the floor and go to town. (make sure he is not close to winning the game or anything like that - timing you know). But I am telling you, in your situation it sounds to me like he wants you to take complete control and that will add much needed excitement (with the whole you are the mother of his child thing going on in his mind)

Oral sex or something where there is no chance you can get pregnant might also help. After you do that a few times he should be very appreciative and start paying you back. I wouldn't give it more than 3 or 4 times though.

Answer 7

When a man don't want it or turns it down means about 2 things,cheating or his male hormone level is really down,and you said you can still get him excited means no medical problem so most likely he is cheating and you need to look at his pattern of what he is doing.Is he working later or going in to work early is he on the phone more does he go out more than he did,saying he is going with the guys,If he has made big changes he must be cheating.

Answer 8

he is a child to you and he doesn't mind very much. he is comfortable. you are taking care of things and he is playing games on the computer. i bet he doesn't act like a traditional father and provider. you have lost some respect that cannot be restored. that party is over. it isn't anything to do with banging in the bed. you cannot respect what he has become. before it was fun and sex. now it is responsibility too. but you have assume all the responsibility and he contributes little. you are in denial about you care for him. you have lost respect. what can you do? first, face the facts and decide if you can live with the truth. It is a tough dilemma. You want somebody now and he really isn't the one. Cheat? Endure and suffer in silence? You have plenty of time to decide before you make a final decision.

Answer 9

I think that you have to give the guy some credit he is well overwhelmed now because he now has a family to care for and provide for. As for the bedroom scene I think that Time is what is needed maybe he is afraid he will get you preggers again. that is a huge responsibility to take on. as for his dis-interest in you. talk to him be honest NOT angry but mild in your body language and voice and demeanor.. be humble, that way he will not feel threatened,Smile and sing and dance to your own beat cause he will need to see your back to being the Young woman that he fell in love with. I hope the best for you.

Answer 10

Your husband really needs to get a clue you are hot and love your man and are willing to try new things!What guy doesn't want this?I if were you i would just tel him what's what and let him know that if he doesn't start doing his part in the bedroom you might just have to get some of those numbers off those guys that were checking you out the other day right?
i mean guys always think they are the one s who decide when they want some loving well he needs to take it when it's there to or what does he really expect? you have needs to and missionary can get boring make him experiment.

Answer 11

Some priority shifts have taken place.

Check into a home church. When you both feel comfortable, see if they have any couple's retreats. This is Biblical approaching marriage the way that God (not society) designs marriage to be - reciprocation of many things that help to build each other up - develop greater bonding between you two.

Check into it. He needs good men to mentor him in the right direction and you need women to mentor you, as well.

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