Is this a good poem?

Question

She stood there on the bridge looking at the vast expanse of ice
She had worked the dirty streets of this dirty town and in turn she became dirty
Her father never was around and there were no warm memories of her mother
At the age of 14 when she was hungry and the quarterback had thrown her five bucks for some fun
She had determined her fate
You see no one stopped to ask her why she was doing what she was doing
They just sneered
But it was either some humiliation or food and her human nature never let her choose
But now she was on this bridge looking out and wondering why
She had already gotten every disease she could possibly get from this life
So when she knew she was going to die anyway prolong it?
No she would make it clean simple not on a hospital cot with tubes poking out of her
And so she jumped feeling the air rush past her
And for the first time in over 20 years of her long hateful life she smiled
The ice was so pretty she thought
And then she met it
(Improve

Answer 1

break it up some, you've got really long lines that need some sort of break to add emphasis. you also have lots of words, lol. you can get rid of some of the but's, and's, so's etc.
this is just what i did quickly my comments are in ()

She stood on the bridge
looking at the vast expanse of ice. (end for breath)
She had worked the dirty streets, of this dirty town
and in turn she had become dirty. (more emphasis with ,'s had's parallel structure)
Her father never was around
and there were no warm memories of her mother.
At the age of 14 she was hungry
the quarterback threw her five bucks for some fun.
She had determined her fate (maybe add "made her choice")
No one stopped to ask her why?
Why she was doing what she was doing (i added the Why)
They sneered at her
it was either humiliation or food
and she never made the choice, (i kinda chopped this up)
human nature made it for her.
Now she was on this bridge
looking out and wondering why? ( you need to break there or its like wonder why she had already gotten.....)
She'd contracted every disease possible this life (more severe and i like "this life" rather than "her life"
she knew she was going to die
but again she'd make her choice ( i dont know what to do with the prolong thing i like it yet i dont)
she would make it clean, simple
no hospital cots with tubes coming from her body connected to a machine
she flew, feeling the air rush past her (i like it better than jumped)
first time in 20 long hateful years of life
she smiled. ( i didnt like the end of the ice is pretty she met it, it takes away from the poetry.

this still needs gramar and capitalization but as far as structure and diction, that's just what i would do. its your poem not mine. you may use everything i did, you may use nothing. It's your choice

Answer 2

I liked this very much. There are just one or two things I might change. The quarterback I would change to a stranger. I would delete the you see....too wordy. After they just sneered I would lose the but on the next two lines. It should have the word why as in why prolong it? Of course if you don't want a critique or to change it don't and it is still a great poem. But when you asked I thought a few suggestions wouldn't hurt.

Answer 3

Very nice start. It involves the reader and makes him want to keep reading. Some decent images here and there. But the back story is too long, too vague: needs more concrete images, less generalities. Try telling the same story (i.e., her history) with maybe four lines, each one a separate image. Don't tell the reader what the images mean, as in 'She determined her fate.' Also try to imagine specific scenes and use words that vividly depict them in their uniqueness.

Good luck. You have talent; keep it up.

Answer 4

This is terrific. You should take your gift and write books, poetry and many other things. You only took about 30 minutes to write this, you should be proud of yourself. I give you an applaud.

Answer 5

I think the basic idea is good....You could polish it up some and it would be alot better. I would like to see how you improve it.

Answer 6

...weird...