What can I do to avoid being "forced" into marriage?

Question

Hi ! I'm a 23 yr old guy, my fiancee is soon to be 30. I find myself in a rather weird situation. We both love each other and want to get married eventually but I don't feel quite ready and also, maybe more important, we're quite broke financially, being both immigrants (uk) on low wages. I've finished Uni this year (homecountry) but hard to find job according to studies. Thing is she wants to enroll in a christian college on a ministry course and she says we can't live together if she gets admited, which would mean the only solution would be either a quick marriage or expensive - living in separate places(london-prices are HUUUge) which I dont even kno if we'll be able to afford. I haven't moved there yet, we've been in kinda of a long dist relat till now, plan to go there from my country this summer. SO what can I do ? I really hoped to save and get married in a wedding in Florida, were we first met(we were both working there short-term) ???

Just wanted to add that do kno I love her and if I had the finances, I'd go right ahead and marry her right now, I don't think I'm too young or anything....It's just I don't want to regret later on I've had to do it in this superficial manner. I've thought maybe finding a place, sleep in separate beds or something coz this is very important to her, so I don't want any "foolin' around" 'till we get married properly, I really wanna do this 4 her...

RESPONSE TO Hayde_kat : I am moving to london to be with my gf, to be able to be with her. Plus , my country sucks, biiigtime, no opportunities there !!

Ahh, maaaan. Arthur W.: U've got that big diploma up your wall and you STILL think money is the key to happiness and joy. I'm surprised at you people. U kno, maybe some of you are right, a small , informal wedding, just the two of us and God maybe, should do it. What you need to be with somebody is love, not money, that's of little importance. My father made about 100$ equivalent in the country I live in in early 90's and we lived and we were happy. U people in USA, UK, forgot how it's like to just enjoy life for what it is and love for it's greatest worth. Money can never save a relationship, but love will. I'm sure I'll make it work somehow, thanks for "motivational" comments, I think it'll help a bit :| :| :|

Answer 1

If you are truly ready to get married if you had the finances, you could always get married now, and take a delayed honeymoon in Florida when you get straightened out...

Answer 2

Ok wake up to reality. Dating an older woman requires an extreme mature man who is emotionally and financially stable,especially if you want to marry her. At 30 she probably is ready to move into her next level of life which includes a family and youre far from supporting yourself lone less a wife and family. This is a guaranteed recipe for marital disaster. Im not saying seperate completely but postpone, if shes willing, the marriage for awhile til things are better. The only problem is you have the extra time but she doesnt. You need to get your feet on solid ground real quick if you wish to keep this relationship. She probably has feelings for you but I suspect the minstry is only an excuse to distant herself from you, but is actually afraid to tell you in person. If you got married right now I doubt if it would last 1 year if youre lucky. You two just need to face facts here, no matter how painful or unwanted, and decide your best movement now for now but leave the future open. Life can and will change in a heart beat so tomorrow may bring a whole new light. Sorry if I was a little rough here but you really dont want to end up in divorce court the first thing. Wish you the best of luck in whatever you two decide

Answer 3

This is only what I believe you should do. I would suggest holding off on a marriage until both of you are set in your careers, and have set aside a pretty good amount of money. You want to financially secure when you get married. You cannot imagine the stress and hardship the two of you will have, if you are constantly having to watch every dime, and worry about how you are going to pay this bill, and if I pay this bill, then we cant afford to eat. Your marriage will not survive this type of stress. If the 2 of you have lasted this long being apart, then a little longer will not hurt. You need to find you a job, a good place to live, and save what you can, because you are going to have to begin paying back your loans. She needs to finish school, and get established in a job herself, and save her money too....your average wedding will cost from $25,000 and up.

Plz wait to marry ..... your marriage will be much better not having the stress of all those bills. Best of luck to the both of you
for your futures.

Answer 4

In defense to Arthur W. that diploma he has on his wall says alot his at a level you most likely never reach, because you will be to busy being broke and having babies and believe me not being financially stable could damage a relationship yes love is most important but it doesn't pay the bills or bring food to the table, you asked a question "What can I do to avoid being "forced" into marriage? and yet you get angry at the responses that are given you.

You are obviously very immature and etremely naive and confused, way too young to vows of marriage, listen to Arthur he knows what he is talking about and what he says his clearly going to happen to you if you don't realize it now.

One other thing the age gap with your girlfriend is quiet big, women tend to massure faster and in five to ten years you might not find the same attraction you do know, you will be attracted to women your age or younger and you will feel that she has taken your youth.

Think about it twice and take the responses in consideration your young inexperienced I suggest you give it a five year engagement before taking the big step. Good luck

Answer 5

well, you seem to have your heart made up on marrying her, however, your reasons on delaying to marry right now, I am sorry to say they are flimsy. First, be honest to yourself, then everything else will be possible to handle. Marriage does not mean expensive outlay of funds, with a big bash wedding ceremony. Nope, you can make it simple and formal with a few invited friends. However, if you are not so sure what exactly is not ready within you, maybe you feel like if you do a quick small wedding service you would have will feel like your youth have been stolen from you, which is a feeling you might develop later if you go on with the marriage with unresolved foreboding in your heart.
Best thing to do is to analyze your self closely. You this thing called "love" seems to elude us men sometimes. Just don't confuse our love for her with feeling obligated to marry her/commitment.

Answer 6

It sounds like you both truly love and care about each other. It doesn't cost alot to just get married unless you are wanting to have a BIG Wedding! And as far as your living arrangements are concerned, if she's already enrolled in this college, you will have to decide if you are willing to relocate, so you can be near her and do what it takes to accomplish that! Long distance relationships are very hard to work out!If you really believe that she's "The One", then don't let her go and do what it takes to work this problem out! Also don't do this for her do it for each other if you really love her! But don't do it cause you feel forced, thats not a way to start a marriage!

Answer 7

Stop and rethink this whole thing. Right now your head is in the clouds. You are 23 and she is 30, OK not all that bad, however, at a future date she will look at you as being in-experienced about life and responsibilities, she will start acting like your mother and that is not going to be a lover's relationship.

I hate to break this to you, but in your and her culture, a woman of thirty is almost passed the age where she would be desirable, she may be setting you up to compensate for that. Okay if you don't see it that way, then go for it. . . .and without a decent job to support a married life, I do not want to be in your shoes. Life is going to be full of ups and downs.

Answer 8

The fact that you are willing to live with her even if you guys are in seperate beds tells me that you are dead serious about her. There shouldn't be a problem of you guys living together under terms you both agree on. Then when you guys are financially stable and can get married the way you both want, going for it. I think it can work. Good luck!

Answer 9

Living in seperate beds wont help, you will both still be aroused looking at each other, especially cos you both have already been intimate. Can't you both just have a quickie marriage for now (just between you and her) and renew your vows with family later when you can afford it? No one would know the difference. I know cos I have been in your situation and did it like that and everybody was happy.

Answer 10

Wow, you should never get marry out of convenience.

Try the newspaper and see if anyone is looking for a roommate.

Why are you moving to London if you can't afford it and haven't found a job yet?