moms and daughters... question?

Question

I am the oldest of 4 kids and my mom spends so much time with them that i hardly feel like a daughter to her. the last time me and her actually had some mom and daughter time alone withought my sisters was a year ago. when i got a good report card, she just said, "good" and signed it. when my brother got all a's and even some bad comment from the principal, she practically threw him a party. whenever we have relatives over, or we see them, she goes on and on about my siblings and how amazing my brother is at baseball, but never talks about me. the funny thing is, he is rude and disrespectful, but nobody cares about that because to them he's perfect. i don't want to be the center of attention, but is it wrong to want to acually be noticed? whenever my mom asks for help, she just yells at me for doing it wrong and doesn't even thank me. plus, my mom has no idea who i am. she doesn't even try to get to know me. am i being rude? what should i do about it?

i am 12 years old

Answer 1

Oh boy. I am going to answer this from the Mom's point of view. My daughter and I had exactly this same problem. She was the oldest of 5. I didn't get to spend as much time with her as I wanted to, or needed to, because I was so busy just trying to get through the day. There was always someone with an appointment, or homework, or sports schedule. I relied on her WAY too much, to help me with the other kids.

My daughter did fantastic in school. All A's, all the time. She never needed help with homework, and she never even seemed to need me. When her younger brother got an A, we would get really excited because he wasn't as smart, and he had to work REALLY hard to get that A. It was wrong of me to assume she didn't deserve the same excitement over her A's. I was just trying to build his self esteem because he got tired of her always being so "perfect". He could never live up to what she did.

So do this. Write your Mom a little note and leave it on her pillow or nightstand where she'll find it when she isn't on the phone or trying to cook supper. Tell her you really would like to spend a little one on one time, just the two of you, whenever she can fit it in, and tell her how much you love her. You can even suggest some things you would like to do, like go out for icecream, or to the mall, or to a movie. Tell her you want to make a "date" with her. She may just see you as being so grown up that she doesn't see that you still need your Mom's attention. It doesn't really matter how old we get though, we always need our mom's.

In your note, don't tell her she's a bad mom or accuse her of loving your brother more. She will only get defensive. My daughter did that a couple of times and it just made me angry that she refused to see how much I loved her. I always thought she was just trying to start a arguement. (which she often did with me, because it was the only way she could get my attention.) I ended up reacting wrong, and basically told her she was dumb for thinking such a thing. She doesn't love him more anyway, honestly. All mom's love all their kids. They just love them in different ways. You probably have no idea how proud she is of you too. Sometimes Mom's have a hard time expressing how proud they are of you, and sometimes they just don't even realize it until later. Mom's make LOTS of mistakes too, so try to forgive her for being human. She is extra hard on you, because she relies on you to help her so much. No, it's not fair. It's just sometimes what happens to the oldest girl. Mom's tend to take their frustration out on the oldest, when the younger ones mess up. Even my mom did it. Thankfully, I wasn't the oldest!

I know it doesn't help you right now, but my daughter is married now, and she and I are really good friends. Someday, your mom will be one of your best friends too.

Answer 2

Many mothers and daughters do not see eye-to-eye while the daughter is a teen. I've seen it many times, and even experienced it myself. My mom and I had it bad! We fought, and screamed, and said hateful things to eachother. I was the only girl out of 6 kids. I had to do all the chores, take care of my little brother 3 days a week, etc. My older brothers got to hang out with friends, party and everything. I was horribly jealous, and bitter that I was the good child, yet I got the least priveleges. But I survived, and learned a lot of valuable lessons. After I got married and our daughter was born, my mom and I's relationship changed immediately. She is now one of my best friends. I never thought I would say that, considering how bad things got between us while I was pregnant. I honestly thought we would never speak again. Having a teen daughter can be VERY stressful for a mom, and not all of them handle it well. She is probably terrified that you will do the things that she did at her age, etc. And she has no idea how to communicate with you. Try to be the calm one, and get through it. It will probably get better some day. In the meantime, keep in mind. You can either let your "bad" experiences drag you down and use them as an excuse for being a pathetic person, OR... you can learn from them, grow from them, and let them make you stronger. A great life lesson is to not only learn from YOUR mistakes, but learn from other peoples mistakes too. Good luck!

PS: being a parent does not mean that as soon as your first child is born you become a perfect person. your mom is a human being, with weaknesses and down falls just like anyone else. No one can be a perfect parent, and just because its wrong to have favorites, doesnt mean that it doesnt happen. Dont put your mom up on a pedestal. Obviously, you have learned that she falls off. She may not be the greatest mom, but she is your mom. If there are things about her that you dont like, keep them in mind for when you become a mom, so you dont repeat her mistakes.

Answer 3

I'm sorry you feel ignored. I'm a middle child which sometimes isn't the best either. You should ask your mom if you can talk to her about something important when she has a minute. That way the ball is in her court. When she comes to you take her to a private, quiet place so you can tell her exactly how you feel. Let her know in a calm voice, try not to be aggressive. Your going to be upset but try breathing when you find yourself raising your voice. Don't diss your siblings because you'll probably just make her mad.
Say, mom I know things are hectic around here and you hardly have time for yourself but I'm really needing some me and you time. I want to tell you what is going on in my life, I really need you.
Don't forget, even though your mom doesn't brag about you doesn't mean she doesn't love you. Maybe she thinks you have a good head on your shoulders and she doesn't need to worry about you. But you're right, sometimes a little one on one makes a person feel loved, in the family. Try it out. Remember the key is to stay calm and mature about the conversation. If it doesn't work, talk to your dad an aunt or even a counselor at school and maybe she'll listen to one of them. I hope she'll listen to you. I assume your a young teen which means your pretty rare to even ask someone what you should do. Usually teens turn to bad things just to get attention period. Kudos to you, and good luck.

Answer 4

Hello my Dear, you had made me realize how hard we can be with our kids, how much damage and pain we as parents can make you feel. I am a mother of 3, my oldest one just turned 6, the middle one is 3 1\2 and the youngest one 1 1\2. So as you can see my hands are full, just like your mothers, well, almost.
We as parents, some times feel that the little ones need more attention and protection, witch is a mistake. We try to do so many things at a time, that when they do not come out right we just download our fustration on others, is it stupid or what? We can be so dumb and egoist with our children. I hope i don't make the same mistake with my kids thanks to your question, you have given parents a lesson.
But, here is the big but, i think you sould find the time to talk to your mother and let her know about your feelings, tell her that you love her and that you look up to her, and now that you are a young lady, you would like to have better relationship with her not like friends but like mother and daughter who trust each other. If you dont find the guts, or you feel that you are going to forget all of it and you are going to get confussed, print all of the responses and do a letter putting your heart on it. I am sure that the day you do that, she is going to realize that she has a young adult at home and she is going to treat you like that, but, be sure that you act like a young adult. Always remember that she is your mother, and that she loves you more than any thing in the world, and that nobody in this world will give her life for yours in a second with out a doubt.
If you need anything you can contact me by clicking in my avatar.
The best of luck and don't waste any time, let your mom get to know her beautiful daugther.

Answer 5

Hey, I totally know what you're going through. I'm in my early teens, and am the oldest of 9 kids. Me and my mom had a closed communication for a while, and then I couldn't take it anymore, had a meltdown, and just asked to talk with her. Hop in the car and go to the grocery store with her, or to pick up your brother from practice, and just talk with her. It doesn't necessarily have to be about you, but let her know you want a relationship with her. Or go in, and help make dinner. Some of me and my mom's conversations are better when making a meal. Or multi-tasking. Or, just go in one day and if she happens to be just sitting there, talk with her. Ask her how she's doing, and stuff like that. Or pretend she's a girl you want to meet at school, and just start a conversation, giving the impression that you're a really friendly person, but instead with your mom, let her know you want a relationship. Keep it going. And once it's started, everything falls into place from there.

Best of Luck!

Answer 6

OMG i totally know how you feel. but i am the youngest child out of 3. i used to have a wonderful relationship with my mom, untill my dad died. now my mom hates me and never even talks to me. my brother is her world. she also gets mad about everything. even her favors...i mean i tell her if she wants it to be done right, do it yourself. anyways, i really cant take the abuse i had as a kid from my mother and her ignoring me. sweety, your not being rude. i think its just the way your mom is, maybe she has stress problems or like maybe its a sexist thing going on here, i mean usually the guys out of the family get the most attention and i hate that. trust me, if i were you, i would just get out of that house before things get worse. i am planning on moving and starting a BRAND NEW life as I am older. but if you want to settle this, talk to your mom, and tell her how you feel straight up. just let it all out. you will feel much better after that. whats going on with you is wrong, and you should be treated with love and care and not like some emotional punching bag. i hope you the best of luck. xx

Answer 7

KitKat,

Just asking that question shows that you want to try to get your mother to notice you. Here is a number of options:
1. Write her a letter explaining how you feel.

2. Fix a time on the calendar that is scheduled just for you and her to have time together.. Go do things that you think she would like to do and then do something you like to do. This will give her a chance to get to know you also.

3. Fix her breakfast in bed and sit down with her and tell her how you feel. Also see when she would like to spend time with just you.

I wish you the best!

Answer 8

You may want to try to talk to her about it. If she continues to act like this you may just have to accept that it is like that sometimes. It isn't right and it isn't fair, but unfortunately it is sometimes a fact of life. My mother has always favored my brother, always will...he is very much like her (I am like my dad and their divorce wasn't pleasant so just being me I tend to get under her skin). I am a parent now and have children your age...my mom doesn't know me so I do understand. I try to make a point to give time to all my children and tell them all the wonderful things I love about them.

Answer 9

Just talk to her and tell her what you just told us. I'm 13 and get jealous of my parents easily. My dad's girlfriend has 2 daughters and so I get jealous when they all spend time together with out me. My mom's boyfriend has 6 daughters so yeah I get jaelous there too. I found that telling them what's going threw our pretty little teenage minds is better than bottling it all up inside. Just get together and tell her what's an your mind. She'll understand.

Best of Luck

= )

Answer 10

i have this same problem with my mom. she favores my sister and lets her get away with murder. its pointless me telling my mother how i feel cause of the type of relationship we have and everything so what i can tell u to try is just as u wrote and told us ur problem write how u feel and leave in he bed room or something. i tried this when i had a problem with my dad and it got his attention so try it and see if it gets her attention. good luck. i'm 15 going on 16 and i had this problem with commuication with my parents since i was about ur age. maybe things might be different for you and u wont have to grow up with this issue.