How should I deal with a racist friend?

Question

I am Black and one of my best friends is Asian American. We have been close friends for over 10 years but when I starting dating an Indian guy (he's originally from India) she made racist remarks about Indians! She says things like "don't trust them" and makes fun of Indian culture. It really hurts me because she has been a good friend for so long and I totally love my boyfriend. I don't know what to do. Help!

Answer 1

I would say the best is to sit and talk to her...explain to her that you really cherish your friendship, and that you wished she didn't judge so much on your bf. Trust is between you and your bf...nothing to do with her. Ask her to still be her and that you need her as a friend, but that you also want to date whomever you wish also.

Answer 2

Looks like you're going to have to choose between your best friend and your boyfriend. Or you'll all just have to find a way to get along.

Look. Racism is typically NOT a big deal. I'm not talking about organized racism, like that you'll find with the KKK, or about religious racism, such as that which Muslims have towards the Jews. But your every day, run of the mill racism is, again, NOT a big deal.

Why? Because EVERYBODY is at least a little bit prejudiced. It's just a part of the human condition. And it's usually based on stereotypes (which are stereotypes for a reason) and personal preference (and everyone is entitled to their own opinion).

Despite these attitudes, it's not impossible for people to learn to get along with each other, learn about each other, and even overcome those racist attitudes and learn to appreciate the people that they once disliked or feared.

But in order for people to get along, they've got to get to know each other. And they're not going to want to hang out if you keep bringing up the "Racist!" label. Ironically, hypersensitivity about racism is actually dividing Americans even more, and that makes race relations even more problematic.

Curiously, if you think your Asian friend is racist, have you met your Indian boyfriend's parents? Indians--the ones raised in India, anyway--are some of the most racist people on the planet. The traditional caste system still holds such power over there that some Indians refuse to sit in a chair that was recently occupied by another Indian of a lower caste, and treat the servant classes as "invisibles", meaning they don't look at them or acknowledge their presence or their service.

Or, wait a second...did you mean Native Americans? If that's the case, damn girl, but that's RACIST. American "Indians" only got that designation because some white sailor got lost and thought he'd landed in India. They were here first, so they're either Native Americans or Indigenous American People. Where do you get off calling them "Indians"?

See how it is?

Learn to tolerate a bit of racism in other people, and concentrate instead on bringing people together. You've got a great opportunity to change some attitudes here. Don't blow it by being too sensitive.

Answer 3

You sound like a really caring person. The only reason your friend is expressing these comments is because she's ignorant. She needs to be educated and I think your just the one to help her.
1st - Go to the library and get some good books on your boyfriends Indian Culture Dr.Deepak Chopra is from India and is quite brilliant on the practices of Meditation and Ayurveda Medicine. There are many books you could check out.

2nd - Set a boundary with her simply state " On a go forward basis I do not want to hear any racist comments from you at all."
If you choose not to respect this it will be difficult for me to be close to you. You may have to distance yourself from her.

3rd - Celebrate the lovely boyfriend you have and congratulate yourself for being the wise, caring and honest person you are!

Answer 4

Friends should come over bf's or gf's for that matter but in this situation. It sounds like someone in her past that wasnt of her culture made fun of her and was racist towards her or her family or friends......it could be anything. I would sit down and talk with her about it. & ask what is so wrong with you dating an indian guy? Just sit down and talk and you dont have to leave your bf for a friend, that is just a myth. I know. Been there and done that. Just if she doesnt come around about it, just let her know that if she doesnt change her attitude towards your bf who is indian then you wont talk to her or you wont call her or anything that friends do even if it means breaking up friendship......sounds like she is still inmature for that **** to be said about other people. Sounds like she has no respect for other people as well except for you and her race.

Answer 5

I was once engaged to an east-Asian man. Then some Indians moved into his apartment complex and he made the most horrible racist comments about them! It really surprised me! My family genealogy is fuzzy, and it looks like our family might have Indian blood that a lot of people worked hard to hide, so that made it especially hard. In fact, it really contributed to the end of our relationship. That's a really hard situation. Maybe your friend will eventually warm up to the idea of meeting and spending a little time with both you and your bf. Maybe then she'll realize her prejudice didn't really make sense.

Answer 6

I know this might seem harsh but.... if your "friend" makes mean remarks about your boyfriend she isn't a really good friend and she should be told to knock it off or hitch a ride with another friend because your not gonna stand for it. I had a friend for 10 years too but when she started getting into other things I didn't believe in I said we couldn't be friends anymore but now I'm happy I didn't that. It might be hard but do the right thing.. tell her to lay off and if she doesn't ,well, tell her the truth and how you fell and if she doesn't care well I would drop her!
P.S. Jealosy might also be the culprit!
Good LUCK (:

Answer 7

You need to sit her down and tell her that when she says things like that, she's hurting your feelings because you care about him. Point out his good qualities, and then point out that there are some terrible things that can be said about Asians, too, and those things aren't necessarily true, either. You can't change the way she thinks about him, but maybe if she spends some time with him and gets to know him better she'll get over some of her prejudices. Good luck!

Answer 8

That's really got to be uncomfortable for you. Maybe your friend is saying the things for other reasons, like she's jealous of your new relationship, she's scared that he is coming in between you two, or something within herself. Racism stems from fear. Maybe you could start by telling her how bad it bothers you (sometimes just saying that will make someone shut up) and then try to find what is really bothering her and address it from there.

Hope this situation gets better for you...

Answer 9

I THINK YOUR FRIEN IS KIND OF JEALOUS BUT SHE DOES NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE RACIST NOR WITH YOUR DATE OR ANYONE ELSE. TELL HER HOW MUCH YOU LIKE HER BUT SHE IS HURTING YOUR FEELINGS AND MAKING HERSELF LOOK VERY MUCH IGNORANT. SHE NEEDS TO DATE YOUR INDIAN GUY BEST FRIEND SO SHE WILL LEARN WHAT A WONDERFUL CULTURE SHE IS MISSING OUT. ..ENJOY YOUR DATE AND GIVE YOUR FRIEND A BREAK.

Answer 10

A true friend would respect your decision on who you want to love. Stand up for your man and talk to her about her actions. I have a racist friend as well, so I know where you are coming from.