We got married(after dating 2 yrs)six months ago, the week afterward he lost his job, three months later we lost our apartment.We've been living off my income and my credit cards-before I was married I had zero debt and now I have about...30,000? So-we moved(from CO to CT)in with my parents because i thought maybe he would have more luck out here finding a job.I was right, but after a week he got fired for being late 5 times. Now it's been 3 more mos (6 mos unemployment) and he is just happy as a clam, playing video games, and I totally blame him. I don't even want to look at him, forget about talk to him. I have told him that I feel resentment towards him for getting "accidentally on purpose" fired and I blame him for us still living here and he just blew up in my face. He is always trying to kiss me and snuggle and it makes me so angry. He's going to a job fair this week and is supposed to find a job. Even If he finds one I don't know if I'll be able to forgive him. What can I do?
2007-03-05 09:23:32 · 19 answers · asked by hmm 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I'm getting my ekg certificate so that in a couple mos I can find work that WILL support both of us because living here is driving me nuts. I asked him last night how he could possibly not be bothered by living here and he says "what's the point? I've been through worse in the Navy." He is fine! just fine! It's hard for me to comprehend. I'm so disappointed and angry. The men in my family all bust their butt, and have never been unemployed for more than a few days, which makes me feel even worse about this.
2007-03-05 09:27:37 · update #1
He is a good person underneath, believe it or not, and I don't know if I have it in me (yet) to get a divorce. I'm sure if things continue in this way that that is what I will need to do. How does one work up the courage? aaaah!!!!
2007-03-05 09:36:31 · update #2
You can tell him that as long as he's not looking for work, he can look over the divorce papers you give him and start figuring out where he's going to live after you and your parents kick him out.
It may or may not be his fault that he lost his job a week after the wedding, it's certainly possible that it's poor timing (although I would be hard pressed to imagine a compassionate employer firing a worker that soon after such a legal and financial commitment). Whatever, I don't necessarily blame him for that.
But what strikes me as the highest red flag was that after you two made a huge decision to move 2,000 miles across the country in order to make it easier for him to find work, he got fired after a week for being late 5 times. Now he's happy sitting around playing video games?
You've married a child who wants to accept no responsibility for his actions and feels no obligation for begin a life with you. He hasn't taken anything seriously for 6 months now, including his marriage; the only way he's going to start is when he is finally forced to take care of himself and stop relying on others to bail him out.
If he goes to the job fair and cleans up his act, the next step should be to immediately move out of your parents' house and get your own place together. Think about giving him that chance, but lay it all out on the line for him if you're fed up with his behavior.
2007-03-05 09:42:28 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
If you continue like this you will feel SO much more resentment and anger! At this point you guys really need counseling. You need to be able to go somewhere nuetral and let out your feelings. Then he will be asked, why he lost his 1st job, and what made him late so many times that he lost his 2nd job? The video games should be disconnected. If he does get another job (while you are looking for counseling) I suggest setting up the clocks in the home at least 10 minutes ahead. This will destroy your marriage whether you get a better job that pays more. Because you both are a team and should be working as a team. If in the meantime of him waiting to hear about a job, he can be running the errands that need to be done while you are out trying to move forward. He can clean, cook, make any appointments that have to be made and so on. If he doesn't want to talk write it down and before you leave the house make sure you leave that letter in his hands. Remind him of how the both of you decided to get married and some good times, tell him how you feel about what's going on now and what you fear for the future. It's hard there is no other way to put it. It can be done if you BOTH put some effort in and you have been doing that. If this or anything else doesn't work continue getting counseling once you get it. So that you can go forward. My prayers are with you and I truly hope that you guys can work this out. One more thing to take in consideration he could be depressed and keeping quiet about it. Also feeling insecure and/or inadequate so consider that too. That's why I say to seek counseling. It can help you both.
2007-03-05 18:03:54 · answer #2 · answered by rencar32002 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It is so hard to believe that he was in the navy and is acting that way. they usually have determination and got responsibility.
If it where me i would kick him out (dont divorce him). Make him do it on his own. Why should he worry he has you to fall back on right now. He must view you as his mom and will only get worse when you are making more money. It will probably be hard for you to ask him to go on his own for a while but it is the best for both of you and if it all works out great but if not then all well it was a good run and find someone who respects you and loves you. I tell ya if i lost my job the last thing i would do is play frickin video games. If it is that hard to find a job for him then he should be reading something to educate him on something better to do not just shoot bad guys or whatever.
e-mail me if you want anymore advice.
2007-03-05 17:58:40 · answer #3 · answered by Jake K 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Use divorce as a last resort here. Yes you are angry but calm down a minute, you said youre not quite ready for the anguish of a divorce, ok. Now is the time for some tough loveas you have nothing to lose but a whole lot to gain, like your sanity. Give him the ultimate option; get his sh.t together and make something of his life or youve had enough of his sh.t and youre not taking it anymore. Youre tired of supporting his sorry a.s and paying for everything. Youve got dreams and want and will reach them with or without him. The choice is his. Tell him to forget the false hopes and lies and any hesitations, you want straight answers now or youre prepared to leave him and move on. Enough is enough. Tell him talk is cheap and you want to see actions. Tell himthis is his one and only wake-up call so he better get going. His romantic actions are his tempt to impress you. You ignoring him is probably the best thing you can do, but you need to add a little more, so tell him. Dont give him any space or time to think about it, hes had enough. Dont feel sorry for him as he will probably try telling you what you want to hear and not do a thing. Hopefully hes not beyond the point of no return so youll be able to get him back into reality. Good luck and be prepared to move on
2007-03-05 18:29:46 · answer #4 · answered by Arthur W 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
The worst thing you can possible do is keep supporting him. It sounds like he really enjoys not working. Believe me I know how you feel because I went throught the same thing. I supported my husband for years until one day he woke up and realized that we wouldn't get any where unless he worked. I didn't want to have him touch me either. You have to hold strong on the fact that he has to have a job and help pay bills. You will be able to forgive him in time. I did. Good Luck!!!
2007-03-05 18:33:59 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Get divorced and declare bankruptcy. He is out of touch with reality.
I've been unemployed a few times and I know my wife resented my sitting on my *** all day, though there's only so much job hunting I can do in one day. Still, I didn't run up a crazy debt. Nor did I get fired for being irresponsible.
2007-03-05 17:30:12 · answer #6 · answered by Martin Pedersen 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I know for sure that it will end in divorce if he doesn't pick up very soon. My brother did the same to his ex-wife. They were married for only 5 years and with one child. She just couldn't take it anymore so she left him. And that was 8 years ago. They learned their lesson are both very happy with their separate lives. I doubt it very much that he will change, especially since you've already voiced your anger and concerns to him. I think you should just leave him......see how well you can cope without him. It will take some time but it will also get better....good luck!
2007-03-05 17:55:01 · answer #7 · answered by LT 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Give him an ultimatum. He needs to find and keep a job within a certain period of time, or you will stop supporting his lazy butt. In the meantime, he should have to do housework since he is home all day. I know you are in your parents house, but get them to back you up and insist he do laundry, vacuum, dust, prepare meals, do grocery shopping, etc. to earn his keep while he looks for work. And if he doesn't do what he should-give him a reality check-kick him out.
2007-03-05 17:50:21 · answer #8 · answered by n2mama 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Get ri d of the bum. Before anyone can go out and look for a job they have to have a will. If they don't have that (which it sounds like) he just as well stay in bed all day while you go out and bust your butt. Please don't be an @sshole and really think about this. Good Luck.
2007-03-05 18:47:45 · answer #9 · answered by seahorse 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I would be getting a divorce. The fact that this person is a loser would outweigh the fact that he might be a "good person underneath". I don't know about you - I personally would only consider being a breadwinner if my husband could give birth to children; until then it'll be HIS primarily responsibility to provide for the family, and mine to have kids and to take care of them. Don't waste any more time, find a person who takes his committments seriously.
2007-03-05 17:48:45 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋