I've been trying to end an affair for three years with no luck. I need help!?

Question

I am married and have been in an emotional affair for several years. There has been very little physical contact but a lot of talk about it. I hate that I do this and really want to get out, but I feel like a drug addict...I won't talk to him for 6 months but he'll contact me and all of a sudden we're caught up in the same thing. I feel like I need a therapist or something but I don't know what to do. HELP! I hate myself for doing this and just want to be strong enough to end it permanently.

Answer 1

I feel so sorry for your husband, he deserves better!

Answer 2

It's clear that you haven't been able to do this on your own, so:

1. Do what you need to in order to end communication. Block phone numbers, change email address, whatever.
2. Work on the issues with your spouse or make a decision to end your marriage. then do it. Before stepping into another situation, you should figure out what you were compelled to get emotional support from someone else.
3. Find a therapist that can help you rebuild your marriage if you choose to stay married, or help you with your individual needs if you end your marriage.
4. You already know what to do; if you are sincere about wanting to end it, you can. Stop giving yourself excuses about why you've put it off.

It's a difficult situation, but you have too many options. If you really want to bring it to an end, than do it. If you don't, then you have to accept the consequences that result from staying involved. There's no way to sugarcoat it; you are responsible for you.

Answer 3

I am a firm believer that people do what they want. If they wanna quit smoking they'll quit, if they want to quit drinking they'll quit, if they want to quit eating soooooooooooo much they'll quit. It's as simple as that. I am guessing that you have lost that spark in your marriage and you are enjoying the attention and excitement of this relationship.
If you really wanted to end this affair you would. I think you like it, which is sad for your husband. You need to come clean one way or the other. Leave your husband or leave your lover. It's as simple as that. Don't answer his calls or change your number. Tell him it is over, unless you don't want it to be.
You only need a therapist to talk to. A therapist can't make you do anything. You have to do it.
If you love your husband, let go of the other guy and end it. Put forth the effort into your marriage that you are putting into the affair. Sometimes we think the person we are with is boring when in reality, we are the boring people. Work hard to bring excitement into your marital bedroom, that way neither of you will have reason to stray!!!! Good Luck!!!!!!

Answer 4

Until last year I didn't think that therapist were worth spit. However, after some issues with a family member of mine, I found that (although I didn't agree with everything she said) it did help to just talk about the problem with an objective person. I found that I had to many personal issues that prevented me from seeing what was truly causing my depression.

Try and see a therapist. Talk to your doctor, you may be clinically depresses (you said you "hate yourself"). You will never be able to end this "emotional affair" until you address what is causing you to go back to this person.

Answer 5

You wouldn't do it unless you were getting a pay-off for it. You need to figure out exactly what it is you are getting from the "emotional affair" and figure out how you could get it from your husband instead. A lot of times we get caught up in the "what-ifs" and then can't see reality anymore, you need a reality check. You are escaping for some reason, figure out what you are missing in your marriage, and then either create it yourself, or get a divorce. When he calls, you know what the outcome is going to be, so don't answer. It doesn't take strength for that, just count to three, think of your family, and how bad you feel right now....and don't answer.

Answer 6

It is addictive just like a drug, I do not think you can stop on your own. You get the emotional high from it, it boost your ego. I have been in the same situation and it is something that requires counseling. A lot of will power and you have to tell yourself you love your spouse more than that.

Answer 7

If someone really wants to do something people have a way of finding a way. This is true in many difficult things so dumping the 'pther guy' should be easy in comparison.
I doubt if you seriously wish to end it otherwise you would have.

I suggest therapy for your denial for if you have no self control about this then your problems run deeper.
I know many drug addicts that do not lie or sneak around.

Answer 8

i really hope you don't have children. My father did what you are doing and it really hurt, hurts still and I'm 31 now. Reading your question makes me queasy....it's all about you isn't it? About what you need, what makes you excited, also what a victim you are, how you cant stop, it's a disease, how you are suffering. Once you get off that self pity train you can start to mend what you are about to break. At least I can credit my father for eventually coming clean, it meant my family breaking apart.....but it taught me to value honesty more than anything else. You have to come clean and deal with the consequences and atone to those who you broke their hearts, if you have kids include them as well. Accepting fault in our lives is a lesson we all have to learn, we dont want to move on to the afterlife with these things weighing us down. Your family might not accept your apologies but you will have a clear conscience, and accept the consequences of your actions with grace and bravery.

Answer 9

I myself was at one time in your position, for 9 yrs. I know exactly what you are going thru. You listen to the lies of how they are going to leave thier wives (if they are married-which he was). You are on the other end. But after going back and forth so many times, I finally realised that it was going nowhere, and called it off for good. If you are not happy, and he is single, then my advise to you is to get out of your current marriage. But make sure that is what you really want. There won't be any going back. I still miss him every day, but I have stuck to my guns.

Answer 10

then go to a therapist and end it with the guy. Work on your relationship with your husband and let him be the person there for you emotionally. If your issues are with him them you can talk to therapist about that too and also try to rekindle things with your husband that may have been lost or taken for granted.

Answer 11

First, do you really want to end it, or are you just thinking about ending it because you think it's wrong? If you really truly want to end it, then you have to make sure the other guy knows that. Get rid of all his numbers and other contact info. Block his emails from your account and block his number if your phone has that function.