Would someone take a peek at my cover letter (first draft)?

Question

I want as MUCH feedback as possible. There are holes from where information could give away my name or compromise the possibility of employment.

Things to know:

1) It's a nonprofit job for the American Stroke Association.
2) I am a new grad.
3) I do have a completed cover letter, meaning there is more to it than what is included here. I know how to format, open, and close a letter. What is more important to me is to make this cover letter the best it can be.

Your advertisement posted at the Council on Philanthropy web site for the American Stroke Associate for the position of <> seems to perfectly match by background and experience in nonprofit work. My resume is attached for your review and consideration, and I believe that you will find me well qualified for this position. Please allow me to highlight a portion of my skills as they relate to your stated requirements.

▪ Was a successful intern for Special Olympics <>. Fundraised, assisted in organizing, and promoted
the 2006 Polar Plunge and Strut and the First Annual Schlotzsky’s Bun Run.

▪ Fundraised, organized, and promoted a raffle to benefit the Douglas County AIDS Project. Assisted in leading a group of 5 college students to help make the event a success.

▪ B.A. from <>. Graduated *** laude in less than 4 years with a degree in Communications. Awarded many academic and scholastic awards including the Leadership/Community Service

▪ From layout editor of a student newspaper to treasurer of the Whole Earth Club at <>, I
have the leadership and maturity to assist in the development of the American Stroke Association.

Along with previous experience in non-profit fundraising, I believe that I have the maturity, drive and passion to further the mission of the American Stroke Associate as the Development Associate.

I would greatly appreciate the opportunity to discuss this position in a personal interview. I would be delighted to share my portfolio with you to further demonstrate my expertise in fundraising and promotions as well as my unique sense of creativity.

I apologize for the length; it was obviously longer than one post for Y!A. Also, thanks to the swear filter of Y!A, that is c.um laude.

Answer 1

It seems all right, but a bit clinical.

You're just restating what you should have in your resume... you're not really telling me (or the employer) what you did, or the highlighted results from each of those endeavours.

For example:

▪ Was a successful intern for Special Olympics <>. Fundraised, assisted in organizing, and promoted
the 2006 Polar Plunge and Strut and the First Annual Schlotzsky’s Bun Run.

You might want to talk about the results of it, and some concrete numbers, like:

As a sucessful intern for the Special Olympics, I utilized project management skills to organize and promote an event, consisting of 20,000 participants, and my fundraising efforts contributed to raising $10,000 dollars for the 2006 Polar Plunge and $12,000 for the Schlotzsky's Bun Run.

It's more impactful to really describe what you've done, and the results/impact, rather than just listing what you've done.

If you need more help, email me ([e-mail])... :) I'd love to go over it and really help you out..