can somoene help me edit my college essay? HONEST responses please.......?

Question

How has your family history, culture, or environment influenced who you are?......................

My family’s history and culture has influenced me in many ways. Part of what makes me who I am today is because of what my family has gone through and the way they strive for me to do my best. .................

The way my family’s history influenced me was how they struggled to make a living being immigrants in the United States. I come from a Haitian family, where in Haiti, going to college isn’t really seen as important or necessary as it is in the United States. Because of that mentality (particularly in my mother’s case), finding a job later in in life was always a struggle. Due to the hardships of finding a job, My mother, sister and I were forced to move multiple times, forcing us to have a very unstable life, which took a huge toll on my younger sister and me. The way my mother had struggled motivated me me to be a stronger person and never to make the same choices as

as she had made.That’s why I choose to go to college. I know that if I go to college and become a nurse, that I will hopefully never suffer any economic hardships.

My family pushes me to be the best that I can be because of their lack of education. If I were to go to college, I would be one of the first in my family to do so. This reasoning alone motivates me to succeed as the future generation. I hope to have a secure future, financially and stability wise, so my children will never have to go through the same things that my family and I has gone through.

I am very thankful for how my family has made me into the young woman that I am today. If It wasn’t for the way I have seen life from my family’s perspective, I honestly don’t know how my mentality would be today.

Answer 1

Was Karl Marx on the reading list? It sounds like a question he posed. Other philosophers had ideas on how the environment affects you.

I think you need to compare your situation to others, perhaps people who stayed in Haiti, or Americans without education of other ethnic groups. It's not just about your personal experience, but how these things changed you...

Concrete examples of other Americans. I don't think going to college is necessary in the USA. Among white collar WASP and Asian community it may be, but I know many successful Italian Americans who did alright.

Also, there's the single mother case. That isn't because of your Haitian heritage. My mother was divorced, educated, and born in the USA, and we were still broke growing up.

You can find statistics for other Haitian Americans, what the median income and the education level is (evidence of what your culture really is). Compare this to African Americans, who will look similar but have a different cultural perspective. (and African Americans of different social classes, in different cities etc).

Find out more about your culture and environment. How rich were your neighbors. How educated. What culture. Were you an outsider, or were there other Haitian Americans from single mother backgrounds.

I hope this helps.

Answer 2

Its hard to edit it on here, but I used capitol letters to show you where i would make changes, and ** were the changes are. All the spelling is correct, and there are a couple repeated words, a comma that can be left out, and some minor changes. Overall, I think its a great essay =)



My family’s history and culture has influenced me in many ways. Part of what makes me who I am today is because of what my family has gone through and the way they strive for me to do my best. .................

The way my family’s history influenced me was how they struggled to make a living being immigrants in the United States. I come from a Haitian family, where in Haiti, going to college isn’t really seen as important or necessary as it is in the United States. Because of that mentality (particularly in my mother’s case), finding a job later in **DELETE THIS IN*in** life was always a struggle. Due to the hardships of finding a job, **LOWERCASE M*~~>M*y mother, sister and I were forced to move multiple times.**RUN ON SENTENCE** This led us to have a very unstable life, which took a huge toll on my younger sister and me. The way my mother had struggled motivated me **DELETE SECOND ME**me* to be a stronger person and never to make the same choices as she **DELETE ‘HAD’**had
** made. That’s why I choose to go to college. I know that if I go to college and become a nurse **I will hopefully never suffer any economic hardships.

My family pushes me to be the best that I can be because of their lack of education. If I were to go to college **DELETE COMMA*,* I would be one of the first in my family to do so. This reasoning alone motivates me to succeed as the future generation. I hope to have a secure future, financially and stability wise, so my children will never have to go through the same things that my family and I **MADE HAS INTO HAVE*has* gone through.

I am very thankful for how my family has made me into the young woman that I am today. If **it** wasn’t for the way I have seen life from my family’s perspective, I honestly don’t know how my mentality would be today.

Answer 3

There are a few grammatical errors here, and word choices I would not have made. Even so, the meat of the essay seems pretty strong. The comment above mine has a lot of great suggestions and you really should explore those. The prompt does say history and CULTURE so make sure you add the necessary points about Haiti.

Also, the details of your struggles (or your mothers) need to be added. You say that you saw her struggles and choices she made had a huge impact on you, but you never really state what they were. I'm sure you could go on all day, but maybe pick one situation in particular and describe it-- how it made you feel at the time, how you feel about it now, and how it shaped you....

At the end you say that you don't want to have the same problems in life as your mother, and that is why you want to study to become a nurse. Make sure you make it concrete; that you refuse to struggle, and you will succeed in your goals. Colleges want to see that you have the drive and determination and those things only come from within. Only you can push yourself to succeed.

You are on a great track! Keep going and post your final so we can see it... :o) Good luck!!!!

Answer 4

That is good as it is, truthful, descriptive and easy to read - well done

Answer 5

I think its great i also got into reading it and i hate reading so it must be good. i hope you do well!!!!