I've done a terrible thing. What should I do now?

Question

About a year ago I used my mother in a lie that I told my ex-husband as ruse to get out of town to try to make arrangements to leave him and move to the other town. I told him that my mother was very ill and that I needed to visit her in the hospital for a few days. The long and short of it is that he ended up calling her and the two of them found out that I had lied. I told my ex the truth when he found out and left, getting a divorce a few months later. My mom, on the other hand, was furious with me for using her that way and we haven't spoken since. Christmas, birthdays and anniversaries have all come and gone and my dad's birthday is tomorrow. My kids haven't seen their grandparents either - or spoken to them. My mom did send christmas presents and birthday presents for the kids, but they all went unackowleged. I have since met a wonderful man that I'm going to marry. He has obviously not met my parents either.

My problem is how do I save my relationship........

with my parents?

I'm not a kid - I'm 41 years old and my children are teenagers. My mom knew some of the facts surrounding my very bad 18-year marriage and always wanted me to divorce him, but I couldn't do it because I knew that he was sick and I tried to work things out. He was very very abusive and I was afraid that if he knew beforehand that I was going to leave him, he would have hurt me in some way or punished me financially. He was the one who called me on the phone and told me my mom was furious and thought I was an idiot and he says that she appologized to him for my stupidity. I don't know now how much of that was true, but I sure miss my mom and dad and I've had a hard year getting everything almost straight again. I have other things to appologize for too and I'm wondering if I should write a long letter or call. I'm a little afraid that she may not understand and may even give my current address to my ex - which would be horrible for me.

Answer 1

wow, I'd say your first step would be to let your mother know you realize that you did something horrible and give her a very humble apology... she might not know you even care about saving the relationship.. you could start by sending cards for birthdays and stuff to let them know you still think about them.. they might have pent up anger about the issue, so if your mom explodes at you, you need to just take it and admit you were wrong.. that is if you want to save the relationship.. you had no right to do that, so your mother is justified in being angry with you.. you can't try to justify it to her.. your only hope is admitting you made a mistake and letting her know you learned your lesson..

update: if I may psychoanalyze you a little, from what you wrote under "additional details" it seems as though you are still trying to justify what you did to some extent. I really think that before you can repair the relationship with your mom, you have to come to terms with the fact that what you did was 100% wrong and inexcusable. There is no justifying a lie of that calibur. If abuse was going on, there were much better ways you could've delt with it. I don't blame your mom for apologizing to your ex. It sounds as though your mother is a woman of integrity.

Answer 2

First of all, unless it was a dangerous situation, you shouldn't have used you mother as an excuse or you could have at least told her that you were going to do it and why. If this guys was the father to your children, you could have at least respected them by being more honest with him and ensuring a healthy relationship between the two of you for their sake.

As for your mother, I would try to call her and tell her how very sorry you are and how you realize now what a mistake it was for you to do that and that you want your children to have their grandparents and that you yourself would like to have your parents. Like it or not, your parents will not always be around and you will regret it forever if you don't do the best that you can to mend fences. Your kids need to know that they should always fight for the things in life that they want or they may pickup an attitude of apathy towards certain things in life, all the while feeling helplessly lost in a whirlwind "why couldn't I"s and "how come"s. Apologize to your mother again for letting things go for so long and that you want her in your life to share the happiness that you've found with your children and with this man. Make her feel privileged, remind her of her grandchildren and how much they love and miss her too. No grandma could pass that up.

Keep trying and appeal to your father for some assistance if you can. Good luck.

Answer 3

I'm disappointed that you waited until you were in a good relationship and getting married to finally try to save this relationship, but atl east you're trying now. Call your Mom. Tell her you are sorry you used her to lie to your ex-husband and that you will never do anything devious like that again. Apologize for not acknowledging (or having the children acknowledge) their gifts. Tell her that you love her and want her and your dad in your life. Your dad's birthday is a good reason to make that phone call today. I wouldn't bring up the engagement until you've made progress on the rest. Good luck and I hope you can mend this. Your kids need grandma and grandpa. You do too.

Answer 4

Write your mom a letter explaining how wrong you were to use her in the lie, and that you would like to put it past you. Ask her what you could do to make it up to her other than apologize? Tell her your plans for the future and that you hope she will be a part of them. Oh and good luck some people hold grudges for a very long time. Just keep trying as long as you see some hope there.

Answer 5

Go to your mom and apologize and explain to her that you felt trapped and alone.
You should have acknowledged the presents though, that sent the wrong message....
Life is too short, contact your parents and apologize and accept the lecture they have for you...
Don't waste alot of time though, time could harden them and you and you need to fix this now.
She is your mom and should find a way to forgive you.
What you did wasnt right, but people make mistakes all the time, just be willing to say you're sorry.

Answer 6

The only thing you can do is ask sorry to your mother, tell her that u want to marry another man and try to make her understand your purposes when you did that. You should have done this much time ago. You shouldn't have waited so long to do what I'm saying. You better do this as fast as you can.

Answer 7

The first step is acknowledging your mistake...good for you...the second step is to apologize...if you have done that...good for you...now comes the humbling part....going to your mother with a open heart ready to take any hurt she wants to dish out and humbly ask for forgiveness again...the wedge you put between you and your mother needs to be removed and only your open and humble heart can heal those wounds. You are only human, you did what you thought would be best at the time...now you see the wrong in it and the hurt it caused...so, only you can suck the poison out of the wound. Just love her...reach out to her...assure her you have grown and changed because of the tragedy. She is your mother and dispite what you think she may be thinking right now...she still loves you...nothing can break that bond.....but hurt can damage it....so, go...go to your mother with open arms and a humble heart....Don't let any more time pass...because the gap will only get bigger. Look at your children....that love you have in your heart for them is also in your mothers heart for you!! LOVE is the answer!!

Answer 8

You will save your relationship by admitting what you did was wrong. By begging for forgiveness and being persistent. If your apology is truthfully sincere and meaningful then you will receive there forgiveness. Not only that but tell them that they we are letting one small mistake ruin the family bond that the grandchildren are the ones being punished.

Answer 9

tell your mother you were unhappy in the marriage and you know you could have handled it better tell her that you should have discussed the problem with her but you were not thinking strait ask her to forgive you. tell her next time you have a problem you will go to her rather than lie. do not get mad if she reprimands you. take it like a trooper and agree with every thing she says. say i know i was wrong and please forgive me. if she does not want to see you write her.