my friend was abused...?

Question

sexually, physically, and verbally when she was younger by her aprents and uncles and mom's many boyfriends. the police took her away from her parents and placed her in a shelter where the treatment she got was not much different. since then she's been adopted and is now in a loving family. she's been raped numerous times and beaten without mercy. her mom was a prostitute and her dad a druggie. now she's in a nice loving family and we are friends and sometimes she tells me what she feels inside and how much she hurts. she hears the rumors about how abused kids become abusive parents, and she's scared about when she gets older and when she has kids of her own, and she's also scared of boys and wonders if any man will ever want her. we are both 15. when she asks me questions like these, i really don't know what to say, what should i tell her?

also, she says that people look on her as being trashy and easy, even though she's not. She is the most modest teeenage girl i have ever met. others have called her stupid and she's in the 11th grade (so smart she skipped a grade) and she is the most beautiful red headed girl in the world, but she feels ugly becuase of what her parents have pounded into her head most of her life. but she's an honest loyal friend and i love her to death. she insecure o fherself sometimes, and i don't know how to help her. help?

Answer 1

Reassure her that she is smart beautiful and loved. If she has good adoptive parents I'm sure they are doing their best to help her insecurities. Maybe it would be a good idea to sit down with them privately and let them know how she's feeling so they can do more to help her. Also she really needs to be seeing a doctor or therapist who can help her learn to deal constuctively with everything she's gone through. And assure her it's not always the case that an abused child will abuse their own children. There have been exceptions. Do everything you can to be there for her and tell her not to give in. She's been hurt long enough. Now it's time to be happy. Give her the series of books to read starting with "A Boy Called It". They're very inspiring coming from someone whose been there and didn't repeat the cycle. God Bless you both.

Answer 2

First, I think you're a great friend.

You don't mention it, but I would hope her adoptive parents would have her in therapy to help her sort through all the trash she had banged into her head from the time she was little. A lot of people think that only crazy people go see shrinks. In reality, this girl needs to have a professional who understands her emotions but also knows how to work through them help her.

Let your friend know that the very fact that she's that worried about becoming a statistic regarding the abused becoming the abuser theory shows that she'll probably be okay, but she'll probably need help, too. Since she was never shown the RIGHT way to treat a small child, she might want to consider parenting classes or something. Once again, this isn't insulting or stupid, it's just that she needs to make up for what she didn't learn through experience regarding how to care for a child. At the very least, being proactive about it could help her feel like she's taking steps to make sure her own children don't have the kind of childhood hell she did.

I read once that it takes seven positives to counteract one negative. If someone says "You're stupid", it takes seven people saying "You're smart" or "Great job" or "I believe in you" to counteract the one mean comment. Your friend was told, either verbally or through the cruel actions of adults in her life, that she was stupid/ugly/worthless so many times in her early years that she could never catch up.

As far as her fear of men goes, don't pressure her to be interested. With the way 15-year-old girls talk/think about boys, she could feel alienated because she doesn't feel the same way. Strive to keep from pressuring her to see boys that way until she can on her own.

The thing is, she does need to see a professional. Ask her if you want to join her to talk to her adoptive parents about talking to someone, if she isn't already.

Answer 3

Tell your friend she isn't alone. There are a lot of children who have been abused as children and be great parents. Tell your friend that she should very cautious in disclosing her abusive past to some suitors and because they can turn and use that against her. I was sexually molested from age 6 -17 years old by my uncle and father. I never told anyone except for my husband . I told him when we first got together and that's been almost 14 yrs and now. I am 29 yrs old as of tomorrow. We were young but he was really supportive of it and took things slow. Your friend needs to talk to someone that can help her work through those feelings and start to understand and heal from her abuse. I have been exactly were she is at and I know how she feels and it can eat away at you but she needs to hold her head up high and remember she is a survivor and it wasn't her fault . You are a good friend keep listening and being there for her and keep encouraging her and tell her she is going to be okay!!!!! Tell her to check out Rainn and Boys-town . Tell her she will be a great parent and there is someone out there who will love her for her despite what she has been though.

Answer 4

I wish everyone had a friend like you. I think your friend could also do with talking to a proffessional counsellor. It helped me overcome so many fears. You can talk to a counsellor about things you can't to even a fantastic friend like you. She may be scared to tell you some of her thoughts and experiences incase you desert her too. Most of the abused people who become abusers do so because they were never taken away fronm the abuse and told that it was wrong. They do it because it was 'normal' to them and think it's what happens to everyone. Your friend knows that what happened to her was not normal and I doubt very much if she will ever put anyone through the torment she suffered. Of course she will be scared of men. It's her mind and bodies way of protecting her from further harm. It will get easier as she learns to trust again. You are helping her to start to trust others. As for the nasty, spiteful people saying stuff about her, ignore them. People can see that what they are saying is rubbish and, sooner or later, they will find another victim. She can hold her head high and know that she has one hell of a friend. Please give her my best wishes and tell her that there are other survivors out there, she's not alone.

Answer 5

if her adopted parents knew about this they should take her to a therapist. She was brain washed into believing the way she does. There's not much you can do other than telling her you love you and offer support. Since she has seen the ugly side of people she knows how not to be, because she's now with a loving family. When she cries about this, just hold her hand or hug her. Whatever you do just be there for her. You are welcomed to email me if you need to discuss something more. my email's my screen name.

Answer 6

It is so nice that you care so much about your friend...she really needs to have you in her life. She should have some therapy to get these awful feelings that she is having inside out in the open so that she can put that awful past behind her. She knows how bad she felt about how she was treated so I find it highly unlikely that she will abuse her own children. As for what other people say, she needs to stand tall because she knows how she is. She really should look into talking to someone about her feelings though, I did and it was a tremendous help for me. Good luck!

Answer 7

wow she has been trough a lot, i really suggest she go to a private counselor, pshycology that is an expert on this type of abused so she can get help she need profecional help i know you said she already had but maybe she hasent been with the right one. You try to tell her veryday the wonderfull person she is and maybe bit by bit one day she will know it too.

Answer 8

I honestly think this is a lie, from the looks of your other questions and you have posted this same question about 10 diffrent times in the past few days

Answer 9

that is so sad! i think you should tell her not to care what others may say about her bcuz they only kno what happened to her they dont kno her. i think you are a good friend for asking help about her situation. you should tell her that she is special and that when she finds the right guy (which she will) he will not care about what others say and he will love her and make sure nothing will happen to her or their children. well i hope i've helped some

Answer 10

She does not have to put up with anything she does not want to. She has rights and it can be stopped by taking the right measures. Let her know that there are people out there that do not want her to be hurt.